ASK MR. LOVER MAN

DATING HURDLES

2012-02-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a successful black woman and I am having trouble finding a good black man that appreciates my success. I always hear that men of color envy us successful black women and that’s probably why I am having a hard time dating. Can you tell me what’s the issue with these men? “Strong Black Queen”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Strong Black Queen”,

The issue is probably you as a person. Your ignorance of these men is so visible that you probably turn them off on the initial conversation. For the record, men are not intimidated by the education and successes of women. Women are more in college than men, we know this and we don’t mind it at all. A man wants an educated and successful woman or one working on her successes. The ones that don’t are the ones that usually lack self-confidence and are a bit more immature than others. If those are the only men you are attracting then you need to re-evaluate that. Too often it is misunderstood that of black men is that "black men are intimidated by successful black women." The success isn't what disconnects men and women it's the perceived attitude that comes with the education and success. If two people make each other feel valued and appreciated, then the relationship will work despite educational or professional successes. It is great to be happy with one has done but that isn’t everything about a person. Give people to learn more about to you from within. Date without wearing stereotypes on your eyes and you will see things better. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a tall woman. I stand at 6 feet 2 inches and I am always having trouble with finding someone to date. One time these two guys approached my friend and I and both were very interested in me until I stood up. I saw the look in their faces and saw the amount of attention I was receiving fade away. I don’t know what to do. It gets depressing because I don’t know what to do about it. Help me please. “Tall But Fun”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Tall But Fun”,

There are men that are shorter and are not comfortable with dating taller women because they are more concerned with how it “looks” to other people. Those types of people you do not need directly in your life because they are a headache waiting to happen. I will say this, being that so many narrow minded people over look you (no pun intended) the ones that do show interest are more likely to be open minded individuals and a better catch than the ones who are too superficial and narrow minded. You can appreciate the person for who they are minus the concerns of height differences.
Listen, the fact of the matter is whether you wear heels or flats, you are going to be tall. Embrace it and don’t feel any shame from it. Men love confident women, tall or short. Utilize your gifts and be a better person from within. If any guy doesn’t you due to your height, that’s fine because someone will probably not want them for being too short. Continue to focus on the better you and I promise you that you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong with dating. I'm letting my guard down and am going to spill my guts. First and foremost I have a lot to offer. I'm a good person, confident, and successful. I was in the service for 9 years traveled and continued my education. I'm far from needy or insecure but it’s come to a point where I feel like any person I've taken any sort of interest for seems to leave and for what appears to me as no reason at all. I currently coach a swim team, volunteer, run marathons, run 3 offices for a successful company, have my own money, own life, own home and a great family. I love to laugh am fit very sarcastic into all sorts of music activities and sports. I have a good head on my shoulder and I have no problem with men approaching me. I don't want to sound conceited but I've worked hard for what I've got. I'm not a gold digger or rude by any means.

Anyways, I've been back in the dating scene for two years and haven't passed a 3rd date. It’s so frustrating. Yes, sometimes it’s my fault because I realized the person wasn't for me but for example the most recent guy... I really enjoyed his company. We met online, spoke for a couple months and had a date early Dec. It was more my fault then his because of both of our schedules we had to plan in advance. Keep in mind both of us have busy schedules and children. From the get go we never spoke or text daily but would randomly have conversations anywhere from weekly to bi weekly. We finally met up and had a great night. Following the date he informed me he had a great time and would like to take me for dinner again. A week or 2 passed we exchanged Christmas cards (I sent one first) it was simple and humorous. Anyways, I received tickets to an event and asked if he'd like to join me. He replied I’d love to. We had our 2nd date for Jan. 14th. We continued talking after and then he cancelled. The day prior he sent me several messages and I quote, “Hey, Hope u are doing good. I did some sledding of my own with the kids tonight. Pretty cold out there but lots of fun. Definitely not warm like Dallas was. Can't complain though, we've had it easy so far this winter. You are going to HATE me, but I'm going to have to cancel for tomorrow. I'm so sorry and sad that I can't make it. I don't want to give u a lame excuse over text so let me know if u can chat tonight or tomorrow. I'm so sorry, I feel terrible about it especially the short notice. I'll pay u for the tickets if u had to purchase them, I'm serious. Blue man would have been fun, but hanging out and seeing u again is what I was really looking forward too! It sucks." Okay so at first I was hurt and disappointed but I'm not going to say that. So I responded the next day with: I’m disappointed you can't make it but I understand things happen. The following morning I sent him a text, “I had a great time last night! Wish you could have made it. Don’t feel bad either, save that for when the packers win today!"

Guy. I'm glad u had a great time last night. Again, I'm so sorry. Because I feel terrible for canceling on you, I'll wish your packers well today. .. and the fact that they are down 10 points late in the game has nothing to do with it.

Me... Ha-ha funny guy, can I ask you something?

Guy: Sure

(next day)

Me: Good morning! Sorry, my phone died last night. I was just reading some refinance offer from the bank for some of our properties yesterday and there was one thing I didn’t understand. I was going to "take advantage of you" ;) and ask for a better explanation since you are well-versed in that sort of thing but I’m meeting with our attorneys at 10 today so I’ll just bother them. Lol Thank you anyways, have a great day!

This was last Monday the last contact I've had with him. What happened? I don't want to initiate contact more than him. I'm not sure where I went wrong??? If he wouldn't have contacted me after the first date I would have assumes he wasn't interested and let go. I don't know if he's just that busy he has contacted (I know he had the kids this weekend) or was this his polite hint to me that he's not interested. Usually not hearing from him in a week I wouldn't think anything of it but since he canceled I can't help but wonder. Should I let him make the next step or should I reach out to him? If I reach out I'm worried he's just so nice maybe he'd reply anyways??? I don't know anymore please help!!! Thanks PS I know I sound crazy but I can assure you I'm not! Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

In you mentioning all the good things about yourself, I wonder if you are overlooking your flaws. We all have them and maybe your inability to acknowledge them or address them is something that is working against you. There are some males who are intimidated by the successes of a good woman; those males are not needed in your circle. There are also men who wish to see beyond the successes of a woman and maybe they only see the successes. There could be a few things going on here for the overall dealings with different dates. The one particular example you mention, I would say that there is no need to dwell on any person who doesn’t wish to keep you in their world. If only for educational purposes, then I understand, other than that, it’s pointless. He could have very well been slowly pulling away from you and saw a window when you phone battery died. Also, the lack of contact (bi-weekly or weekly) probably made him think there wasn’t going to be much growth or room for it. There could be a dozen reasons, but I do know one thing, you will never know by playing the contact/no contact game. Pride is senseless in cases like this because if you reach out and speak straight up seeking a direction and he opts out, at least you know. The most mature person usually reaches out and asks for the direction of the situation. Don’t be concerned with the games or the response. Play your part by asking honestly and seeing if the interest is enough to continue communication. If not, move forward. As for the general sense of the dating world, it isn’t about anything other than learning people. As long as you take time to learn the other person at a respectful pace and give the least you can about you unless asked, then you will be fine. Acknowledge your flaws and make no excuses for them, they are who you are as well as all those things you mentioned about yourself earlier. Good luck and keep me posted.

COMBATING THE MIXED MESSAGES.

2012-01-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I've been seeing this guy for 7 months now. We see each other about once a week or once every other week. He isn't ready for something serious, but has been there for me when I've needed him. Sometimes I feel like I would like something more with him, but he shuts down when I bring it up. I know he's going through some financial hardship and things are unstable for him. I have also noticed when I'm out he seems insecure about it. I get pursued by other men all the time. I'm not ready to move on to the dating scene just yet. What would you suggest? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

There are things here that could possibly be happening that haven’t been communicated. The societal stigma that because one is male, one must be a huge financial supporter could be weighing heavily on him. The mention of his financial hardship rang a bell with me. There are times that men are hesitant in engaging in exclusivity due to financial hardships because let’s face it; it does cost to be in a relationship. Even if both parties bring to the table, it is still a societal stigma for the male to bring more. Now I do not and never will agree with this foolish rule but maybe he does. Communicate with him and find out what it is that he wants. Don’t bring up anything that you want in the beginning. Allow him to express what it is that he wants pressure free. His insecurity about you going out can mean one of numerous things. He may actually want more and is unable to feel he can (due to financial reasons). He may have been though something in the past he has not gotten over and you’re going out triggers that moment. Clear things with him; communicate effectively and with consideration of his feelings. Should his unwillingness to step forward for be much clearer, then you have to accept and make a decision. Should you wish exclusivity and to settle and he doesn’t, then you will need to invest elsewhere. You need to be happy and do not need mixed signals nor do you need to hold onto something that will never be. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I’m dating this girl who is giving me mixed messages. When we are alone, she lets off this incredible attentive aura that shows me where we are headed. When we are out in a group setting, she always mentions how she isn’t ready to settle down with anyone. It’s very contradictory to everything we discuss or how we act when we are alone. I don’t even know if I have the right to address this because I guess we aren’t solely seeing each other according to her words when we are with friends. What should I do? Thanks in advance. “John Dough”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “John Dough”,

This entire situation wreaks “immaturity” on her part. This is just one of those people that ae still impressing their friends or the general public without realizing the things they lose in doing so. This is such a classic childish act. However, you have the absolute right to question the position you both play in each other’s lives. Do not feel that her contradictory expression amongst friends removes your position. You have the right to know where you stand and what the expectations are of this position. The lack of exclusivity doesn’t remove the fact that you are investing time. Communicate how you feel and what you wish for. Should you both be on two completely different wavelengths, then you need to consider making a decision on whether you will hang around (which isn’t the best at times), dating others or just completely moving forward in a different direction from hers altogether. Whatever it is that keeps her from wanting more is something she has t tackle and not something you mislead yourself into thinking you can “cure”. Seek truth and accept it. After accepting the truth, make a choice. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My situation is confusing. I’m with this guy that treats me like a Queen but I can’t get him to commit. It’s like every time I speak about taking it to the next level of just us dating; he tells me he isn’t ready. Why would he treat me so well if he wasn’t ready? His actions make me think he is ready but his words are strong in saying no. Should I even wait until he changes his mind or should I date other people too? What do you think? “Female That’s Ready”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Female That’s Ready”,

This could very well be a typical situation of a male who is not just treating you this way but others. It’s not hard to do so and this could be his way of suspicion being minimal or non-existent. The thing here is that he is not ready because he could be elsewhere. The key here is to communicate your expectations, should you have any and to find out his. Be clear as to whether you guy are expected to date others as well and what are the willing possibilities. I never believe in hanging on to something that won’t be. I’m a firm believer in communication as an effective tool/weapon and its constant utilization throughout the process and not just when relationships hit a wall. You make your next steps in accordance to where this one moves. Should this relationship be exactly where its ever going to be then you need to make a decision. If there is more coming, then give more as it comes. Good luck and keep me posted.

ON THE BRINK OF AN AFFAIR

2011-12-27T20:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been married for ten years and unhappy for the last six years. My wife & I haven’t had sex in the last two years and we pretty much continue this relationship because of our two children. I find myself wanting the companionship I am missing in my marriage. I want to kiss, hold and make love to someone and my wife isn’t an option. I have a friend that I have been spending a little time wife and she is in a marriage that is not providing what we need. Spending time with her has opened my eyes to what I am missing and although it is not sexual, the tension exists and our interests in exploring something more is common. I think about her all the time and I find myself wondering if I would be having an affair and that is something I do not want to do. I want to move forward but I know I am still married, help me please. From: Anonymously Unhappy

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymously Unhappy”,

Your length of time of unhappiness is quite lengthy and I am wondering how the communication is at home. I understand the conflict within but in order for you to feel great about whichever direction you choose to go, think about a few things. The first thing is, how effective of a communicator have you been lately? Are you clear that this marriage is over and is it beyond repair? The reason you need to know is because you can not make these decisions for you wife and you should always close one door before opening another. Should there be hope of making your marriage work, are you willing to do your part? When you address these questions and if you find yourself in a situation that directs you to move forward, you need clarity on where this women will stand in your world as opposed to her marriage. Do not give up your marriage for a woman that may never exit hers. Communication is your answer and until you answered these questions clearly, do not make the decision to abandon your marriage just yet. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am on the brink of having an affair and I am in need of help because I really love my husband. I have a male friend who makes me feel more alive and more passionate about myself than I have felt in quite a while. Our friendship is relatively new, about a year and a half and I really enjoy his company. He is in a relationship of his own but our flirting grows over time. I know I probably shouldn’t be doing it but it feels good when we are flirting. It makes me realize the thing missing at home. Give me some words here because I really am ready to make a move and I know I shouldn’t. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
I always have a problem with these “friends” who claim to be a friend but have ulterior motives and the person in the relationship which knows better but engages in it anyway. First thing, he is not you friend if he knows very well that you are married and is trying to have his way with you outside of the friendship. Real fiends would not do so, especially that you have not claimed you had issues at home and were open about you really loving your husband. I think that the things you realize you are claiming to be missing at home should be worked on before you venture to try to find it elsewhere. You have to try and remember that your home is where you must work on always. The love exists but does the willingness to respect this love exist? Who are you in your relationship and are you willing to lose your home relationship to be a side-piece to a friend who is obviously only friending you for a piece of sex. All too often I have seen these situations where the person actually engages and either ruins the home relationship and/or realizes they risked something great only to be revealed as a quick piece of sex. The smart choice is to work on things at home, to communicate and to make sure you don’t just respect your relationship at home but when you are not home as well. You being on the brink of an affair isn’t so much about your friend, but more so about who you are. I hope you are better than that. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My marriage has lost its spark, it has been on the decline for quite a while and I don’t think either of us has had the guts to admit it out loud. My wife spends more time in a separate room and no longer embraces me as I walk in from work. The little things are gone and I find myself interested in other women at work. I get hit on quite often and have always been professional but I feel lonely in my own home. I feel like I need to seek love somewhere, as my wife has not shown me any. Thank you for your time. “Steven”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Steven”,
I think before you take this cop-out of an excuse, you need to exercise all options in your marriage. Have you tried counseling? Doesn’t sound like you have. Have you decided that it would be smarter to communicate out loud as opposed to assumptions and doing something stupid? The little things that have diminished have part of your responsibility on it. The fact that you felt this occurring and have not maturely addressed this shows that you played a part in its demise. Could this be saved? Of course it can, do you really want that? You do not need to seek love anywhere but home and should this mutually come to an end, then and only then should you seek love elsewhere. You are in a vowed marriage and for better or worse, you must stand by your promise to try and make this work and exercise all options. Good luck and let me know how this unfolds.

STEP-PARENTS: WHEN IS IT TIME?

2011-12-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am in a great relationship that hits a snag. This snag is my girlfriend’s 7 year old son. The child is a good, well behaved child but does not warm up to me. I tried extending myself in a manner that I felt was safe and somewhat warming but this child does not even talk to me. I really do not know what to do. I found myself pulling away and not knowing what to say when I visit them. I really want this to work, please help me.

Signed respectfully, “A good man”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “A good man”,

This is such a common situation and I want to take this time to applaud you for your attempts and your position and where you want this to go. It is not easy for a child to warm up to the man who has just imposed into his world and has snatched attention from the most important person in his life. I’m not sure if the child has a strong bond with his biological father but that can also play a role. It will take time and in this time, try to find out all the little things that he likes. Go out as a trio and see his favorite movies, plays, game halls, etc., and you will slowly see the ice melt. He needs to feel safe and can’t feel second in his mom’s world. He needs to often be reassured that you are not coming in to make things difficult. A child cannot be expected to have the same clear understanding of the situation as the adults present in the situation. It is your job to ask yourself how much do you want this and should it be more yes than no, then you have to allow patience to be your best friend. I have seen the successes in these stories and would love to know that yours is also one. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

How do you know if you can bring someone around your child? I have been dating this loving man for four months and we have been in such awe of one another. I am seemingly falling in love and he has expressed similar feelings but a little a bit stronger. He has expressed interest in meeting my daughter and I have never let any man meet my daughter because I am very protective. Will this ruin the relationship if I wait too long and when will I know I can trust him? Thank you so much Mr. Lover Man, from Momma Bear.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Momma Bear”,

It is great to protect our children and that is something that all parents should pride selves in. Your situation is one that many parents dating ask themselves. You should engage in conversation with you daughter and set up dialogue. Allow her chance to prepare for the moment when she meets someone new. Remind her of her position and how this is an addition and not substitute.

As for your boyfriend, you will know when the time is right when you start to daydream of moments of you three co-existing in such a wonderful manner. Those moments that you can visualize how great it can be because of how great he is to you and when you stop that thought and you feel you miss it although it hasn’t happened, then you will know it is the right time. Make sure you have a deep detailed talk about this, fully understand how he feels and do not irrationally impose expectations on him that is not fair. Your daughter is first but she is not only, you have to remember that this is new for everyone and you will be the facilitator, so to speak.

As for your concern about the waiting process being a negative, well it can be. Not definitely but one may wonder the level of seriousness if one can never fully enter his partner’s world. I have a feeling that is not the issue here but in conversation, reassurance and a request of patience is reasonable. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I never had a good relationship with my step-dad. He was real military and not emotional. He really was nice to my mom and was a complete heel to me and my brother. Ok, so here we are up to date, my girlfriend has a child and she knows I had nothing but bad memories with my step-dad because I told her. Now she thinks I may not have the ability to be a good step parent if the time comes to meet her son. I am not a bad person and I don’t think that it’s a picture that should be painted about me. How can I change her from thinking this way? It’s not fair for me. Thanks. “Anonymous”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,

Your yesterday should not ever be held over your head, especially when you are too far ahead into today. You have to remind her of who you are and tell her that because of your experiences that you actually know what it feels like and could never inflict upon another. Your story of yesterday can’t change who you are and your willingness to share is commendable. Make sure you communicate, not in a defensive manner, but in the honest way that you can. You must continue to present who you are and respect her position to take precaution to protect her son as any honorable parent would. She didn’t break up which clearly means that she is still on board. Have patience and communicate. Never shy from being you and allow her time to see once again how great you are. Good luck and keep me posted.

SLEEPING WITH THE BOSS & THE RESPECT YOU DO NOT GET

2011-12-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I need your help like yesterday. I am married but I got caught up into a relationship at work with a supervisor and now it’s beginning to affect my relationship at home. My supervisor doesn’t want more than sex but he is somewhat reckless with his communication and my husband is beginning to catch on. How can I ease my way out of the one at work & fix my relationship at home without ruining my chances of productivity at work? Respectfully Mrs. Rock & a Hard Place

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mrs. Rock & a Hard Place”,

First thing is that in you search to slide your way out of sleeping with a supervisor, you neglect the disrespect and lack of regard to your husband. Your decision to cheat and lie has placed you in a situation with a supervisor who does not respect you as his actions show with his clear disrespect to your marriage at home as his form of communication is reckless. He does not care about whether you get caught or not because he has power over you and you are too weak to confront it. You rather risk hurting you husband who probably is supportive and loving than confront your supervisor about his blatant disrespect of your home. You are a weasel of the worst kind, however, there is a way to change this position you are in.

First thing you have to do is let your supervisor know the importance of your marriage (if that truly exists) and why the situation you have with him can no longer exists and anything outside of professionalism is on zero tolerance. If this is not something the supervisor will accept, any conversation further than that should be recorded without his knowledge. You will need to cover yourself as all too often, when the female the boss is screwing gets boring or wants to return home, it has been reported to not settle well with the power mongering boss.

Do something amazing for your husband, as a matter of fact, be amazing for you husband, more so for yourself and focus all the extra marital sex on your husband. You need to grow up and make mature decisions. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I feel played and humiliated at work. My boss is a dog and I fell into his chauvinistic ways. Here is my story: My boss came across as a charming man, someone respectful and always complimenting me. I really thought he was different and after a month of relations it seems like he is doing the same exact thing he did with me to the new girl and I am beyond livid. I can already sense how others are looking at me and I am humiliated. I want to confront him, no, I want to rip his head off and key his car but I can’t afford to lose my job. Please help me. Thank you, “Used”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Used”,

There is not much that can be done other than embrace the fact that he played you so now focus on moving forward. It’s not easy and I understand how humiliated you feel but ultimately you have to work in that environment and you need to do what you must to further educate yourself to qualify for a higher position and be the example for change. You can use your experience to help others; you can take what you have learned and move forward. Unfortunately this is too common at the workplace and something that will not just simply stop as the power given with title is abused in many ways. You will have to learn to protect yourself from further advances from males at the workplace as once it is known, usually others hone in to try and take advantage of what can be labeled the “easy girl”. You need to focus on why you were hired and what it is you have to do at work. Don’t try to be anything other than a hard worker.

It is known that 17% of women have slept with their bosses and only about 30% felt any type of benefit. Most of the time it is the boss using the position as a degrading means to sex whomever they feel will fall for it. You need to focus more on the best you and do not allow this dirtbag to determine your worth. Do not run from the topic and do not give him any other attention outside of the professionalism to co-exist. Other than that, never lose sight that he is a scum bag who is not in the department of change. You need to focus on being in that department. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am the President of a particular company and I find myself fantasizing about the secretary. I do not wish to be labeled as one of those with power who use this power to sleep around. I am a respectable man whom has taken strong pride in working my way up by sweat and lack of sleep. I am influenced to remain shy of engaging with those lower on the hierarchy of the work ladder by my peers. I am not one that has been known to become easily swayed by others but I can see how this looks. Is there anyway to approach this without being labeled and without causing a stir? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,

No, there is absolutely no way to avoid this and anyone who thinks otherwise is so far removed from reality, you should give them crayons to dram their next steps in life. The truth is that the labels are there, a secretary sleeping with the boss is never equal and never respectable. As long as one person possesses power over the other whether status or genuine power, there is no equality, which is why Doctors or Lawyers should never sleep with their patients/clients. One person has entered the relationship with more power over the other and this will forever remain as such. I don’t know what type of relationship you are seeking but do not mislead yourself or her. Should you choose to pursue this, do so for reasons genuine to self and never lose sight of who you are. Remain the President of the company that sweated profusely and slept little to hold a position to make a difference. Do not allow a situation like a work fling to destroy that. Good luck and please keep me posted.

MR. LOVER MAN ADDS:

Sleeping with the boss is something that has been age old. Far less has truly benefitted and often those that have, in some form or fashion has been labeled accordingly (ex: Monica Lewinsky). The best way to succeed is to earn it and never compromise who you are for a short cut that could end by keeping you labeled and forcing higher ups to never respect you enough to give you a chance for growth at work. Be the best you at all times because your work fling is not a secret, men at work talk more than women at work and that’s often because men at work feel they can. More men are at power and hold status in this world than women and that’s by a huge margin. 60& of men and 70% of women lose respect for you in that situation. Much blessings to all and earn yours off your back. Much respect.

IS YOUR SEX HEALTHY?

2011-11-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I love your blog site and I know you will answer straight up. I am trying to figure out if I have a healthy sexual relationship. What would you consider a healthy one? Samantha :)

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Samantha,

Thank you so much for your kindness. A healthy sexual relationship entails of many components, I’ll gladly share with you some. First and foremost, both partners should feel pleased almost equally with the activities that are going on. Neither one should ever feel forced and unable to say “NO” when applicable. There should be a mutual respect before and afterwards where both parties can feel as if they weren’t placed in a situation of disgust. Trust is a strong component of a healthy relationship and both parties should feel safe in the arms of their partner’s sexual history and present activities. There can be an individual component that pleases a couple that they may determine “healthy” but these are general and applies in most instances. Hope this helped you and please keep in touch.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

What can be done to increase the sexual drive in my husband? He has issues with erection and is embarrassed about it. I will not let that make me cheat because he is the man I love and want. I am frustrated but I feel bad more than frustrated. Help us. From “Love without a limit”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Love without a limit”,

It is said by the experts in the field that it isn’t much about the drive per say but whether the drive has ever reached its potential. Each person’s drive is limited and in every relationship differs. There are many factors as to why his drive may have diminished; stress, money issues, eating fried or greasy foods, long term smokers, and all sorts of emotional and physical conditions all play a part in the diminishing. I honor you for not bailing out and for sticking it through. It will get better and you will love it in the future. As treatment or intervention is injected in this situation for whatever the cause may be, the erection difficulty diminishes, the desire increases and a new confidence is formed. Do not pressure him where additional stress forms, only setting him further back. Instead, continue to be the supportive force you are and trust me when I say, when he finds his “mojo” again, he will give to you what no one has. Good luck with everything and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Is cybersex cheating? Is it unhealthy and how can I get my woman to accept it? She is against it and I love it. I think it offers ideas we can use in real life, she thinks only perverts do it and I want her to be more open minded. Thank you, Anonymous.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

Cybersex being labeled cheating is something you have to discuss with your partner. I know many who would say it is and some who would feel it is harmless. I for one consider it cheating but like I said, your partner may not. You should open those lines of communication and respect how your partner feels. The best way to open her up to it is to allow her to experience it with you and walk her through how it turns you on. Tell her what it is you want to do to her and then proceed to doing so. Make it something visual for her to see what she will feel later on. It’s not impossible to get her to be more open but do not force it upon he, she is entitled how she feels as well. Importantly, it is a known statistic that spending 11 plus hours in a week on internet sex sites is a clear sign of psychological distress. At this rate online sex interferes with real sex and other avenues of life which can increase a strong risk of dependence to this cybersex world. Be moderate with you activities and never allow it to replace what you have. Good luck, keep me posted.

RELATIONSHIPS: THE WRONG STUFF

2011-10-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

Hi Mr. Lover Man,
How are you? I am not sure if you can help me. My story is like this. I'm 39 yrs old and I know this guy from I was 10 yrs old. I always liked him and we became an item in the 1990's. I was very active in my church and I did not have sex with him and we broke up. I am from a small island and I went back to my country in 1993 and got pregnant from an ex. The guy I'm talking about heard about it and thought I moved on and he moved on and got married. I came back to the U.S in 2004 & we hooked up & one thing led to another and we finally had sex, I got pregnant and have a 6 year old child. His family knows about it, but his wife has no idea he has an outside child. We have been seeing each other for 7 years & we are very active sexually. I really love him and he gives me the impression that he feels the same. But I am so frustrated with this whole situation & I want to leave but it is so hard especially sharing a child together. He has 2 boys with his wife and I have a daughter. I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel bad a lot of times knowing I did this to another woman, but he does not make it easy for me either. Any advice? & what do you think about this person who is keeping this secret (Love child) a secret. You are a Love expert, so I hope you can help me. :)
Anonymous
Thanks

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

Sadly, people will be hurt because of this selfish and immature situation you find yourself in. Knowingly sleeping with a man who is married and without using protection is disgusting and makes me wonder if you were foolish enough to actually believe that something other than your situation would arise? I understand how these situations happen and although I do not personally agree with it, my personal opinion means naught. Let’s work on what’s wisest for the next step. Your frustration will continue to mount and you will continue to be a secret because you have allowed this. Keeping this a secret will hurt you child’s life for the years to come and revealing it will possibly destroy a marriage and ruin the situation you have with him. There is more so than not a chance that hurt is unavoidable. You have to weigh in what’s most important, your sex with this guy and your child remaining a secret (because you will never be anything more in his eyes) or to finally communicate with him that you both have to figure out a way to not take from the relationship the kids deserve to have with one another. Now be mindful, the hurt that will come from this can cause the boys from his marriage to despise you and your secret child but can ease with time. You have asked what do I think about a person who is keeping this secret, well my answer is the same way I think about the other person who allows this. You both have engaged in a selfish act and should consider righting this for the kid’s sake. You need to remove your selfish wants and finally inject the notion of doing the right thing and making the kids a public priority. I feel most sorry for his wife and her children who did not ask for this situation and whose life will forever be altered due to you selfishly disgusting act. I hope you finally decide to do the right thing and remove your sexual wants for what’s best for the child who has been a secret.
Good luck with everything and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am dating someone who has broken up with his girlfriend of three years and he also has a one-year-old son.
They have only been separated for two months and he says she wants him back. I said maybe he should go back to her and try and work things out for the sake of his son, but he said he doesn’t want to because they don’t get along anymore.
He hasn’t told her about us yet properly because it is early in our dating life and he is not sure what will happen between us. At times I think he likes me a lot and then there are other times that I am not sure what’s going on.
I think he speaks about her too much and isn’t giving us a chance to grow.
I am not really sure how to handle the situation. Could you give me some advice?
Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

You are looking into this far more than you should. You guys literally just started dating and too many factors say you are going to rush into a broken heart. If you feel there is enough interest to pursue knowing him better than I say to get to know who he is. However, dating him at this point may be a bit premature in his getting over someone phase. I believe that time always differs for every individual but if he is constantly speaking of her while with you, then those alarms are going off that possibly he needs a little time. I’m not saying to completely dump the guy, but, I am suggesting that you express your concerns and pull back from him. You shouldn’t expect him to make the announcement to his ex about you so quick. That’s something that people make an issue about when it is not of great importance this early. The only time that would be of any importance is if you are taking a role in his child’s life. The territorial stance that people wish to pose by letting an ex know about their existence is childish and should not be a concern of yours at this stage what so ever. Focus on just getting to know him safely and do not move too fast. This situation may not be the right one right now if ever. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

It's been almost two years since my ex and I broke up. I am feeling lonely.

Recently I have been going through a very difficult time and all I want is to talk to him. I sit at home and think about my past and I just want to call him. We haven't talked to each other for a while now but the urge is really strong. I think that I am able to forgive him for cheating.
What should I do? Help me please, Anonymous.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

Never allow loneliness to make decisions that a clear mind wouldn’t make. One of the bigger reasons for entering the wrong relationship is loneliness and your email screams this. I understand that going through a difficult time can muster up old emotions and mislead self into thinking things that normally one wouldn’t but do not let this moment walk you into a world of repeated hurt. Remain focused on yourself and work on altering your thought process by reminding yourself why it is you are having these thoughts and how you deserve better. You haven’t been in contact with him in so long that you have no idea if this individual has progressed from being the cheater he was while with you. I think you should not engage with him in any form and chalk this up to those lonely thoughts and not some emotional connection brewing like out of some cheesy B rated movie. Please keep me posted, good luck.

TIME TO COME CLEAN

2011-09-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am in a peculiar situation that I am sure I have not read on the previous posts but I feel that you will give it to me with honesty. Here is the thing, I am in love with someone that I probably should not be in love with. I am 19 and so is she. We were raised right next to each other and our parents gew up together. They always say we are cousins but we are not related by blood at all. Our parents are our God-Parents and they would be upset if they knew that we have been involved for a year. Here is where the situation gets harder. She is 4 months pregnant and we have been hiding it very well. I know that there will be a time we cant hide it but I dont even know how to tell my parents or her parents without breaking their hearts. Please guide me through this.We are in love deeply. Thank you from *John Doe*

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "John Doe",

Situations like this may not be an everyday affair but they happen. I will say that there is no way to convey this message to the families without any person feeling a certain way, however, the message can be delivered to make sure that your point is felt. One thing you want to do is admit your feelings in a way that is not only showing your mature security in the relationship but flatters the parents that they know you love their daughter because she is a great person from a great family. How could you not love her? Remind them of the closeness, the years of knowing one another in detail and how it evolved fom a friendhsip like no other. Admit your fears in expression but stand strong in confidence. Will this ease everyones heart 100%? Maybe not but it will ease many. You really want to open them up to the perspective of you guys and ultimately the happiness of your independent relationship matters most but I can clearly see its important to have everyone on board. Follow what I said and I think it will lead you to where you want it to be. Keep me posted. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Please help me. I am doing something that you might think is wrong and a part of me does too but it just happened. I am sleeping with one of my friend's boyfriend on the side. I did not want to but it just happened and now I feel bad. To make things worse, I think I might be pregnant. I dont want to be with him or have his baby and I dont want to lose my friend.I read your blog alot and seen you help people with worse situations. Can you please help me. Thank you. *Anonymous*

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonymous",

The term "friend" has been disrespected by your blatant disrespect. The very same term has been disrespected by your unwillingness to value such a term by opening your legs easily to one of the few off limits people in a friendship. So in your mention of worst situations, thats not for me to say but as you try to convicne yourself of this, know that you are wrong in every form here. Now your friends boyfriend is a piece of trash as well but he did not ask me for my words so i wont say much on him. We could safely transer what I say to you to him. You need to test for pregnancy and decide your next steps in that world. If you should be pregnant, you and him are going to have to finally act mature and come to decisions. As fo your friendship, you do not deserve it but that can be decided by your friend as I hope you allow maturity toassist in you coming clean. Your friend deserves an honest friend and an honest relationship with a man who is more than just a male. You have to walk her through it in your eyes. This rarely eases the blow but can make the possibilty of a continued friendship exist. The "it just happened" line is loaded with bull and should not be used here. You have to be honest and stop looking to be the victim, you are not. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am sleeping with my sisters best friend. My sister would hate me for it but we are in love and we are tired of hiding it. It has been 17 months and its annoying because when we all hang out (which is rare as a group), my sister talks about other guys and my girl feels like she has to entertain this and I am not comfortable. Should we just tell her? This is too much. Thanks for the advice beforehand. *Anonymous Male*

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonynous Male",

I have this feeling that by this point, your sister may feel a slight form of betrayal from one o both of you and that may not be avoidable. You have to be able to remain honest and stong. Tell your sister how it begun and its emotional evolution. Tell her how important she is to you both and how it matters how she feels. She doesnt want to feel removed or as if she isnt the best friend to her and the sister to you. In past experiences I have heard from, the sister can feel detached or like a third fiddle, as if she no longer holds the exact role of importance and you want to make sure she doesnt. Dont be afraid to tell her however, be very aware of her feelings. As for your discomfort when your sister has girl talk with your girl, well thats your fault fo hiding this for so long. So park your "Im annoyed" cry and focus on delivering the message of importance. Good luck and keep me posted.

ESTABLISHING CONTACT FOR CLARITY

2011-08-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a woman who has to deal with alot. I have a three year old son and his father is serving in the military. He is a marine. I respect what hes doing but I am lonely without him. This skyping and letters and occasional contact is not fo me but I dont want to come across as insensitive. I find myself needing sex and I feel like he made a decision to be a marine so I shouldnt have to suffer. There are plenty og guys that hit on me in neighborhood who would keep it a secret and I'm thinking about it. Please help me with this decision. Im throbbing. Thank you far in advance. "Ms. in Need"

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Ms. In Need",

I understand that you feel he made some decision that left you alone but you must see the greater good of the decision he made and how there can be so much positivity from this investment of time. You feel lonely and horny and maybe you feel the only way to relieve that is to cheat on the man who risks his life to what Im sure he believes is keeping you and his three year old son safe, but the reality is you can learn to service and try to remember his sacrifice nd risk of his life to make the world of his girlfriend and son a better one. Cheating never has a valid excuse, it isnt the situation that makes you cheat, its who you are and the situation is a pathetic excuse. Weigh the relationship and how much it means to you and communicate that. Focus on greater of the relationship. To even entertain the though of sleeping with locl men (who will NOT keep it a secret) is disgusting. He deserves much more respect than that for his sacrifices and you should remember that a selfish decision can alter the life of your son and his father in you world. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My wife has some behavior that is leading me to believe she is cheating on me with her boss. First thing is that lately he has been purchasing gifts fo her. Some shipped by mail and some she comes home with. He is a married man and I dont understand why he is so invested in my wife. My wife has spent less time at home, saying she is focusing on work but she isnt making more money and she is spending more. I went on her computer and saw posted on her memory aticles pertaining to "Sleeping with my boss". This is very disturbing. She has sent him late night texts and locks the bedroom door when she is on the phone. She has puchased sexy underwear that I have yet to see her wear. Our sex is rushed and she doesnt show any interest. I know im being played and I have done all I can. Help. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

Cheating appears to be the clear action and although I do not believe in assumptions, this one seems like the clear answer. I think you should confront the situation and clearly communicate you concerns and your unwillingness to have this happen. The problem is that the chances of her stopping is slim to none. People who sleep with their bosses (most of the time) do not determine the end of the sexual relationship, the boss does and as long as he has the power of being the boss, this will remain a problem. I think you may have to actually consider another plan of life that may have you both seperating and divorcing. The endless gifts from the boss and the bold disrespect to ship them to your home shows his lack and her lack of respect for you. As long as you accept this, there is no reason for it to end. If the home is in you name, you should consider legal action to have her removed from it. Take this opportunity to think about whats best for you and make decisions pulled away from emoton. I usually opt for reconcilliation and some form of mutual meeting that leads to a civil break or working things out. However, in my experience, when the level of disrespect is this high, it rarely can be reconstructed to a mutual respectful level. I am sorry that you have to face this type of behavior but you have to come to terms with yourself and after you diverse a plan to eithe make this work or make the break, you can sit her down and lay you cards on the table. You come first. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am dating a guy for about 6 weeks and lately he has not been in contact as he was the previous few weeks. Is this his way of telling me indirectly that he is losing interest? Should I pursue or should I let this fizzle out? Your opinion is valued. Thank you. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Im not one to make time the reason for stages in a relationship because I believe in individuality, however, one can make a few things of this. One is that in only 6 weeks, it is hard to make that assumption with certainty. His schedule may not be as free as it was in the very beginning or he may be thinking as you are and is slowly shying away because of the same reason you are almost willing to shy away. In a relationship that is to be successful it takes both parites to pursue. This is not high school where one wits a time period for the guy to call or whatever childishness is out there. You have to establish contact for clarity. Ask him about his honest opinion about where the direction of the relationship should or is going. Let his answer determine the position of the relationship. If he is uncertain then you have to be certain. If he wishes to go further then you have to sure where you stand. Communication will set you free. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man...
i want to breakup with my lover, cuz he dont understand me, and we fight for no reason.. is it right to leave him ? he isnt ready for it..wat am i to do ? I cant continue.. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

A situation like yous depends on the level of extremity in the lack of communication. There are times when people assume others should understand them because they share a relationship but how clear you think youre coming across and how he is receiving you can be two different things. Im not pointing blame here as there are many options to whats wrong but one thing is for sure, before you abandon ship, if you tuly want this to wok then you will have to be the communicator that epresses exactly how you feel. You have to be able to allow him to receive your message, ask for clarity and give him a mature moment to respond. If you dont want it to work then do not drag him any further into a relationship that you ae not involved in. Good luck and keep me posted.

IS IT EVER OK TO CHEAT?

2011-07-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a girl in her late 20s in a long distance relationship for almost a year. I moved to London about a year back to study and my Boyfriend of 5.5 years is still back home. I love him and we have been pretty serious about each other and plan take things to the next level (marriage) eventually. We have always been very sexually active and both of us have a pretty good sex drive. I had planned to go back home in April and see him but I couldn't for various unavoidable reasons. We regularly have cybersex and we talk a lot over phone too. And like every other couple we have fights and disagreements but nothing serious. Overall I am pretty happy with my relationship.
Around 2 months back I met this married man at a club. We were both drunk and so things got a little hot. We didn't kiss or anything but he nibbled on my neck and ear for a few minutes and I enjoyed it, until I came back to senses and pulled away. A month later I bumped into him again (which was totally bizarre) and he apologized for his previous behavior and we danced, this time pretty decently. But ever since that night I couldn't take him off my mind. I started (sexually) fantasizing about him. One day I gave in to my urges and added him on a social networking site. He and I have been chatting and flirting casually (within boundaries) as friends for a month. Recently, we both got really busy and didn't chat for 3 weeks and I was quite happy that the fascination and infatuation had finally died. But yesterday, something weird happened. We started chatting and one thing led to another and before we knew it, a stupid Truth-only game had turned into cybersex. We both were totally aroused and masturbated. He told me how he'd imagined me before and wanted to kiss me. He mentioned that he would like to have sex with me too but he would only dance, kiss and go down on me if I went out with him because those are the only things possible in a club. He says that since I have a boyfriend and he has a wife, there's no way we'd go any further than that. So that way it would be a no-strings-attached 'fun' thing. Apart from the 2 meetings we had, we've never met and haven't planned to meet again yet. We don't even have each other's phone number. None of us actually plan to leave our partners. My boyfriend knows everything except this yesterday's incident. He's been very understanding and patient about my sexual desires. The man's wife doesn't know that I exist.
My problem is that even though I know it would be morally wrong and unfair towards our partners, I am feeling so sexually-deprived that I am actually considering this 'fun' thing. I want to give into this temptation at least once. This married man is everything I want physically right now. I am not at all emotionally attached to this man and do not intend to wreck his home. This man doesn't feel guilty about deceiving his wife so it is up to me to decide whether I want to have a clandestine arrangement with him. Do you think this could work? Have you come across cases where a no-strings-attached arrangement helped people satisfy their sexual needs? What should I do? I somehow haven't been attracted to any single men who approached me in the past year. It's only this man I am so terribly attracted to. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
Could this work? Works meaning have meaningless sex with someone you don’t know who is married and although you are involved, totally disregarding your boyfriend’s feelings to get sexed by some guy you met at a club? Oh, yes, that “can” work but that doesn’t mean it will. Let’s take a mature look at everything here before we walk into a situation one regrets later on. First thing, you have two innocent victims here, one being the wife, whom neither of you can guarantee will never find out about this selfish act nor you can’t guarantee she won’t be hurt. Same goes for your boyfriend, can you guarantee he will never find out? Maybe, he never finds out but this actions is rarely if ever just a onetime thing. There will always be some lame excuse for sex elsewhere as long as one keeps convincing self it’s a valid reason. Getting through it the first time is the hardest but it can become thrilling to the point that one loses the real value of a strong, loyal and loving relationship. You attempt to sex some guy you barely know removes the label loyal from your end of the relationship. People will always find someone they will be attracted to other than the person they are with but acting on it is where lines are crossed. I think you should not engage in such an act but if you choose to do so and then you will have to carefully plan this and remove all contact with this man afterwards. Delete/block him from all social media and make it clear that he is to never contact you again. Then test yourself before you engage in sexual acts with your boyfriend. Good luck with your decision. Keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been married for 10 years and have one beautiful daughter whom I adore, but my wife stopped loving me more than 7 years ago and has been romantically involved with other men for the last four years. You are probably wondering why I have accepted these affairs but I have so for the sake of my daughter's happiness and because my wife and I, despite the lack of physical affection, still enjoy stable friendship. Here’s the thing, I have met another woman. The closeness of this new friendship has only confirmed the distance that is of my marriage. My emotional life is suddenly resurging and I would welcome some advice on how I should deal with the situation. My new friend finds herself, like me, in a marriage that has failed. Although our situation is not, at least yet, sexual, we both are very close from being so. I enjoy spending time with this woman and I can’t stop thinking about her. “Trapped but found freedom”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Trapped but found freedom”,
One of the problems I have is always the one that says “I’m doing this for my child”. Ultimately one must be happy to be a better person for their child. It seems that you and your wife can have a very civil conversation about what is a good arrangement for your daughter and both of you in divorce. You child would have liked to grow up knowing both her parents are happy with life. If you are only with your wife to keep your daughter happy, I understand and am here to say, you don’t have to play husband to be a great father. Nonetheless, you are in a situation that has riled up some emotion and I think that before you engage fully, be 100% sure that this new woman isn’t temporary as the hope of your once happy marriage returns to being so. If you have absolutely zero doubts that the marriage with your wife is over other than parenting, then you need to make sure when taking the next step with this new woman that she is fully aware of your situation and you are completely honest with everyone.
My concern is that you asking me for advice on what you should do are telling me that you aren’t 100% sure you are done with your wife. Think of everyone involved and their feelings think of what you really want. Don’t lose sight of the fact that you deserve to be happy and you need to invest in that. As long as you are clear with how you feel and honest with yourself and the others directly in the situation, then go with what makes you happier. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am in an unhappy marriage and am dating outside of my marriage. My boyfriend is also in an unhappy marriage and we have been friends for about three years prior to our dating. The problem is that we both are bothered by the situation of returning home and having to be sexual with our married partners. What can we do to ease these feelings? Thank you in advance. “Unhappily Married”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unhappily Married”,
Aren’t we the selfish type? I understand when sex and emotions are involved that sometimes a moment of irrationalities can occur. However, let’s be honest with ourselves here, you are cheating, the other man is cheating and instead of being honest and mature about the situation, you are concerned with him sleeping with his wife? He is concerned with you sleeping with your husband? Two disloyal cheaters and two unwilling victims and you have the audacity to be concerned about married people sleeping together? Let me tell you that there is a strain in living a secret life and it can cause more stress than joy. If you aren’t ready to move on from your husband and him from his wife, then you should consider the heartache that will be cause if this secret is uncovered. I see your determination to have this affair outside of your marriage and being that you will continue to do so, understand that at the end of it, this could have possibly brought you more harm than pleasure. As for you easing the worry and feelings in relation to you guys sleeping with your married partners, well that doesn’t come easy. The fact is, you guys are not in a committed relationship to either of your partners and must draw lines of concern where it deems fit. If you aren’t exclusive then accept the fact that he is on a nightly basis having passionate sex, doing the things he does with you, with her. Not a good feeling huh? Neither is it to know your wife is cheating on you, especially with her friend that I’m sure he trusts you with. Make the mature decision. Good luck.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR...

2011-06-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been married for 4yrs been with my husband for a total of 10yrs, we have a son that is 4yrs old. We got married when I was 7mths pregnant; it was the right thing to do. I knew that this man wasn't my soul mate, but he was/is very good father and a very good man. Starting two years ago I got very close with a man from work, which is also married. He pursed me till he finally got what he wanted, between all that times we fell in love, he left his wife twice and I finally gave in and asked my husband to move out. We have such a great connection and we are alike in so many ways. Things got a little crazy when his wife found out. She threaten him with his son, so after my husband moved out we kept on being with each other, until eventually his family found out about us, made him feel guilty about breaking up my family. To make a long story short, he went back to his wife, my husband never found out; I was very much depressed after his decision that I ended up 3 months after he left me to move in with my husband. It’s very complicated because we still work together, and we have tried to stay away from each other but didn't work. He still wants to be friends we haven't done anything sexual in 5months but just kiss and stuff at work. How do I separate myself from him? How do I let go? “Lost”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Before I get into the heart of your question, I am under the impression that you felt getting married because you were pregnant was the right thing to do and it is not. Marriage and pregnancy are not related. The union of marriage is between two people that parenting doesn’t share. Knowing he wasn’t your soul mate and still getting married was a clear sign that someone (you most likely) would stray elsewhere, risking breaking the heart of innocent people (your husband/his wife). To add in that the type of man that pursues another married woman while being married doesn’t really say soul mate to me, but, I have heard of weirder things.
With that being said, I will address your question… Letting go is not always easy for many and an emotional affair is not a simple case of “goodbye, I’m over it” as some people believe that we maintain problems because they give us identity. You can start by identifying with what that relationship has given you, one being alone and depressed. He will not choose you over his family and his actions made that clear. Just because friendship sounds cute, doesn’t make it necessary. Would a friendship with him benefit you in any degree? Probably not and that’s what you should focus on when your mind swivels doubt in your head. You should learn to un-romanticize the way you view him and realize you are worth more. The fact is that someone out there (possibly your legal husband) will be the one you were meant to settle with. Take whatever good you can and walk forward and look at the heartbreaking & depressing points as tools of education on how to not accept or engage in future situations. You may have to be forward in communication and express that it is best that you both do not engage any matters that are not professional and not alone. Always remember that letting go is love (for self) and hanging on is clingy attachment. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I met this guy and I know he has a reputation for dating quite a few women but something about our connection when we are in each other’s presence that felt so real. My friends warned me of him but I have to make my own decisions and I went to pursue him. He was such a gentleman until I gave up the goodies to him and all of a sudden he started to act somewhat distant. Could he be looking somewhere else or is it something I did? I really am into him but he isn’t letting me get the chance to really know him and him to know me and see that I am a great woman. What should I do? Thank you Mr. Lover Man, “Hopeful”.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Hopeful”,
First thing I want to say is that you clearly got exactly what you asked for. Now I am not saying bad should happen to anyone, what I am saying here is that you knew what type of person he was, you did not give yourself any time to learn who he was other than him bedding many women and now you got confirmation on that part. You have to learn people before you invite them between your legs. As for if this is him looking elsewhere or something you did, I’ll say both is a strong possibility of co-existing as reasons. You gave him nothing to remain for as you gave up the sex as a short term goal way too quick. He doesn’t know you enough to remain interested in learning you because the initial physical attraction was conquered. You have to offer more to keep a man around. It is his fault because he is not ready for one woman. He continues to go on these sexual conquests and women like yourself or even the unsuspecting ones sadly fall into his clutch. I don’t see how you are really into him when you really do not even know him. You need to stop misleading yourself. There is absolutely no reason to try and pursue this issue long enough and you need to learn from this and move forward. Good luck and please move forward.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
What makes a man realize he has a good woman and changes his ways? This man I have been seeing for a while was separated from his wife. He told me they were going through a rocky situation and he needed to focus on him. We ended up seeing each other as I noticed he was not giving his wife time, I felt this was a way for me to step it up and give him the care he needs. Things were going good and all of a sudden he decides that he is going to try to make it work with his wife. Where does that leave me? Why doesn’t he see that I am a good woman and would not do him wrong? Answer this please. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There are things here you do not seem to get. Please have a seat. You question the man’s ability to see whether he has a good woman or not but what if he has and that’s why he is working it out with his wife. I’m not questioning whether you are a good woman or not but just saying you are not the only one. You entered a situation with the most common line that some males use when they are either cheating on their wives or whether they are separated but only wish to return to their wives. Going “through a rocky situation and needed to focus on him” had nothing to do with plans of you. You slowly misled yourself (without communication) into this situation assuming there was more. You needed to be a better communicator and in reality, you needed to avoid this situation until he was sure where he stood. Nonetheless, this is a learning experience for you and I hope that if you are faced with this situation ever again, you can look back and run. He is not the one for you and you are not the one for him. Good luck.

CAN SOCIAL MEDIA STRAIN A RELATIONSHIP?

2011-06-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Here it is, my girlfriend is always upset when I’m on Facebook. She doesn’t see me doing anything wrong but is always upset assuming someone wants me. How can I get her to see that I am just connecting with old friends I haven’t seen in years and that it is not what she thinks? P.S. I do not get upset when she is online at all. Thanks from: A guy punching keys.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “A guy punching keys”,
There are some things to consider here, one being the amount of time taken from your relationship being spent on social media. This is something that may cause trouble and is increasingly an issue in today’s relationships. Now what you and your girlfriend determine too much and enough time is something you both should come to terms with. If you are neglecting your girlfriend for social media then you need to re-evaluate that. However, she may be the jealous, insecure type and there are ways to show her that her suspicions are completely wrong. Have you or are you planning to meet any of these old friends? If so, you should plan a bigger gathering for a few of these long lost friends and ask that they bring their partners for a semi night out/reunion type of thing and you bring your girlfriend. This can and usually does ease a lot when not only they see the woman you chose but your woman sees that they have chosen elsewhere as well.
This is not a fool proof remedy but it has worked before. You have to communicate to your girlfriend in an honest and effective manner her position in your world and the position these friends are in. It is nice to re-connect and we all know friendships are important. There should be a compromise on that but you must in all of your best efforts try to understand how your girlfriend feels and she should be considerate to your feelings as well. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My boyfriend and I clearly both have trust issues because of our past. We both admitted that we've been cheated on and have very hurtful ex relationships but we're committed to each other, until I made a small mistake. A hiccup I want to call it. My ex boyfriend requested me on Facebook. Stupid me, I accepted it on a whim but took all but 5 minutes to realize what I did wasn't right. I unfriended him right away. But in that 5 minutes, it popped up on my boyfriends news feed just as he was browsing the site during his lunch break. He mentioned it to me the weekend it happened and we spoke of it briefly. 2 weeks later, a night together felt distant with him and when we started to talk about it, he mentioned that the incident has been on his mind ever since. Basically, he told me he trusted me before, but now that this happened, he said we should slow down and take it day by day. I told him I would never go back to my ex or communicate with him because I am very happy with my current boyfriend. I got so emotional to a point where I opened up a lot, cried then continued to tell him that not only was I cheated on, my ex got another woman pregnant and he used me for money and car rides. My boyfriend became emotional as well and cried. 3 days later, I feel distant from him but I'm told by friends I need to give him space. I'm scared to lose him and I'm scared it will be because of something as small as Facebook. I'm going through millions of thoughts and I'm just so confused. Give him space or keep telling him how much I care about him? Help! Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation is not a complete disaster. There has to be steps taken, things will not solve itself overnight and you have to be an effective communicator. I don’t think space is required unless it is something he is adamant about. It is important that you express how you feel without constantly running your story about your ex to the ground. Men really don’t want to hear that when you guys are going through things. Sometimes women think by bad mouthing or talking up the bad things of the ex, that it will somehow ease the situation but it doesn’t. Men view it as you not being able to let go. This situation is not usually a deal breaker and if you guys are really involved, I believe you can work through this. Be honest and determined to expressed your feelings for your man as opposed to your disdain for your ex, it isn’t related and shouldn’t be brought up together.
He has insecurities and trust issues and no matter what he said about him trusting you, it isn’t met by action. You guys need to really talk about where you stand and how badly this has dented his perception. The world of social media at times can be intrusive if allowed and can be harmless in the same light. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My man always have bitch fits like he gets mad over petty shit and it’s like he can do stuff and I can't like. Check this out, on twitter an individual had this thing on there about big girl appreciation day and that he would retweet (re-post) the best looking girl so I told my boyfriend about it and told him I submitted and the individual retweeted (re-posted) my picture and he just got upset and said “see that's what I'm talking about” and then there was silence the whole night and the next day which is today still haven't talked to him. What should I do? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There seems to be a big wave in effects as to how upset people are getting due to the injecting of social media activities in one’s life. There was a time when it was all fun and games and now there seems to be a huge seriousness to it. I think that what has happened with social media in general is that it has become a large medium for advertising, dating and so forth. So much that every year people are leaning more and more too online dating and there are more commercials on the internet than your very own television. With that being said, there is a subconscious seriousness to social media and even though so many people say things like “It’s just Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, etc” that isn’t really an overall vote. In your situation there needs to be a sit down and both sides need to express communication as to the level of importance in your actions. Many men do not find comfort in his woman voluntarily submitting photos to some random individual you do not have a personal friendly relationship with. Many times it is perceived as reaching for attention or offering of self. Now, I’m not saying that is the matter here but it is how many men perceive it. Many times individuals who pose these social media “acts” are just looking for means to exploit women on social media and either makes fun of or brag about the pictures they collect. Rarely is it to give props or show a high level of respect to the woman submitting the photo and these are the thoughts that some men allow to be injected into their minds and it gives them that attitude you complained about.
Now this may not be a big deal to you but in a relationship it isn’t only about you, it’s about you both and you need to hear him out and find out exactly what it is that’s going on in his head. Effective communication is always key and when at times people do get into those fits of silence, timing is very relevant. You can always ask to discuss his and your feelings but even if both of your positions are completely different with perception on social media, you have to both respect each other. Good luck, let me know what happens.

HAVE THEY CHANGED OR HAVE THEY REVEALED THEIR TRUE SELF?

2011-05-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been with this guy for 3 months and things have already changed. At first he was into me, chasing me and once we became intimate, he hasn’t shown the same interest. Is it something I did wrong? Is my performance something I should be concerned with or is he cheating?
Please give me something I can work with. Thank you “Myra”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Myra”,
This sudden change may have actually been a gradual change you chose to subconsciously ignore. Often it is gradual, and even in situations when it is “all of a sudden”, the reasons are not clear at first. What is missing here is any indication that there was an attempt to communicate and walk through the relationship. There will be no answers without communication. Instead of speculating and trying to mislead self into putting pieces together that may not fit, you must address him and honestly impress upon him your position. It is imperative that he knows how you feel in a mature manner.
Nonetheless, the problem appears to have to do with the lust stage. He kicked in with lust leading as he chased the prize until he achieved his goal. Men are visual creatures and often walk forward with their eyes leading and that may have been what made him chase you, however, you must give him something worth more than what his eyes see, and that is YOU. If this is going to work, you both are going to have to sit down and make it clear what both of your positions are in this relationship and express how the neglect and sudden change is making you feel. He may be going through something he is uncomfortable talking about. Never make assumptions without communication. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How genuine are compliments men make? It seems that as time continues, they stop complimenting. Is it that it was game or are they not caring enough? This is why women cheat. There will be another man who will compliment women with no problem. What causes these changes?
Thank you. “It is what it is”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “It is what it is”,
Every situation should be looked at as an individual situation. I don’t know how genuine your man or men you dealt with are as I do not know them personally but I’ll say something that should shed some light. Men stop complimenting because they have either been conditioned to do so by being with women that did not address this and/or because of the idiotic belief that it is not important as it once was because you are together, so that should say something.
Life happens as relationships evolve; it is great to set a tone by giving compliments as well and or asking for his opinion to how certain things look on you. Communicate with him and ask him about the disintegrating compliments that once were. Many times men do not intentionally decide to not compliment you, but they are known to fall into this way of being. It can change with communication. You can also make a game out of it. With every time he compliments you, show your appreciation, sot of like a treat. You can whisper something sexual in his ear in appreciation or you can express how much it means to you. This is not a lost cause and a great way to make it happen is to say something about it. As for this being a reason to cheat, that’s just plain stupid and idiotic. There is no valid reason to cheat, if you feel the urge to unfaithfully open your legs, be an adult and leave the present situation. People who make excuses to cheat are really searching for reason to cheat because at some point, that’s who they are. For the record, if someone else complimenting you opens your legs, you have just expressed your self-value. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Sorry this is so long!!!! I am going through a missed miscarriage and right now if hell really is a place then that is where I am. My husband has left me for another woman but says it’s not just that reason, it’s because he feels we can't fix us & he had become unhappy but didn't say anything!!! Now I have miscarried our baby!
I'll start from the beginning..... I'm 28 & my husband is 29 (with a huge issue about being 30!! which I just don't get) But Xmas just gone my husband of 2 years and partner of 6 cheated on me with someone from his work, I worked with him many years ago, we got together about a yr after I left but I know of this other person and she has done this many times before and doesn't mind hurting others around her to get a man she wants!!!
When I found out which was by me guessing as he was acting differently, I forgave him as I could see we had drifted apart and he isn't one for talking about his feelings (what man is!) plus he has always been a bit insecure about how much I love him (another reason I love him!!)
He had made a very stupid drunken mistake and was so sad and truly sorry for it, plus they did stuff but didn't have sex at this time and still to this day I believe him. But even if they had I still would have forgiven him as it was a wakeup call to work at our marriage.
After this, things were back on track with us & we carried on planning our lives together, talking about the day we have kids! I had no concerns that we weren't getting stronger. But at the beginning of March he said he needed space and went back to his mum and dad’s, I tried really hard to give him this but panic set in and I would leave it a day or two and then one of us would text, normally him to me but once or twice I made the first move or I would reply pretty much straight away. Anyway when we would meet up to talk he kept saying he couldn't come back as he couldn't see us working and I would try so hard to convince him that we could if only he gave me the chance to show him but he just wouldn't give in!
I found this very bizarre as I know I've always been his world and something didn't add up. This went on for weeks like this and at the end of March we broke up, I couldn't accept it but had no choice, he would have let me think it was due to me being selfish and us drifting apart but I knew there was something else and then came the truth....
He'd been seeing this work colleague that he'd cheated on me at xmas with!!! I think in his head he believes his lie that the reason we didn't work was because we drifted and that’s how he kind of lives and does what he is doing as cheating has always been against his believes! He comes from a very strong Christian up-bringing. But he said he was convinced I didn't love him anymore!!!!
His now started to get feelings for this person, thinks he loves her (after 6 or 7 weeks) personally I believe this is lust and that’s all and because everyone is telling him to step away from the situation he won't. So it seems he jumped from married to me to with her and was not stopping!! What hurts the most is the fact that he isn't and hasn't ever been this kinda guy! 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, it wasn't how I had planned being pregnant in my head but if we hadn't of broken up it would have all been perfect, as it was also our 2 year wedding anniversary (what better present to give my husband, our first baby)
I was happy, I kept it to myself for the first 2 weeks, as it was all mine! Even though my heart was breaking, part of me still felt happy! I told my husband the news & he cried & said this was the last situation he wanted to be in, but it changed everything! Not quite how I'd imagined the response when I had planned this moment in my head a 1000 times, over the past 2 years.
I said me being pregnant made no difference to us, he had decided he didn't want to be with me and I would never stop him seeing or being there for our baby. I went away for a long weekend that we were due to go on together for our 2nd wedding anniversary but I went with my sister and when I returned I found out he had been away with this other person!! On our wedding anniversary!!! I'd asked him before not to spend it with her, but he did!!! He said he booked to go away before I'd said I was pregnant (but it was still our wedding anniversary!) it’s like he is doing as much damage as possible to push me away but then says he doesn't want me to hate him!!!
When I returned I saw him and we chatted and I felt a little strong and he said he wanted his wife back!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing, he said that he loved me & didn't want to run anymore into this false life he had created and he sobbed for many hours about the bad thing he had done, he said he was in a bubble and felt safe and it wasn't a real life but he had convinced himself we couldn't get us back after what he did as he had broken us. But he saw how much I loved him and was willing to give it a go. He said he would do whatever it took. We spoke for hours and even laughed at how he had been so foolish and that we would get through this and he seemed strong and like the person I know and everyone else knows. He went home told his mum and dad and then saw this other woman and told her but I spoke to him that night on the phone and he sounded exhausted!!! I had my doubts he had told her!!

I was correct to think that and the next day he text asking to see me to Talk!!!! I thought, surely he can't change his mind!!! BUT yes he could, he came in and said I don’t think I can do this, we spoke for about 5 minutes, I was obviously angry and upset and he hates seeing me like that and feels like that is why he doesn’t want to talk to me when I’m like that.
I hammered him for about 2 minutes just saying why are you doing this, is it only because I’m pregnant and he seemed upset again, then I said this is because you don't think I should forgive you and that you hate yourself and think everyone else should hate you, I then pushed this and he said how can I forgive him for what his done, it’s so bad and then I said you feel your worthless and this goes back way before me and then he just sat there and cried. I looked him in the eyes and said tell me all what you said yesterday was untrue and that you don't love me.... he cried and said you know it was the truth and I said why, why are you doing this then and he just cried and seemed broken.
It broke my heart to see him so hurt, confused and broken. No one deserves that, not even him! I know your probably thinking I am some raving loon but I'm not and I’m not in some kind of denial either. I just care about him, his my best friend and has been for about 10 years but I know that was the person everyone knows. We spoke for many hours again and he seemed more convinced this time that he did want this and said he would leave his job and we sat there discussed things that we can do to make us happy.
That night he stayed till really late just holding me, kissing my head and saying how very sorry he was and was tearful. I know in my heart we can get through this and yes he has mucked up a few times but over 6 years his proven to me he is a good person, so I will hang on to that and not the mistakes his made over the last few months!!!
I said I really hoped he woke up the next morning and still wanted all this and he promised that he would (as sometimes I feel like he sleeps and changes over night!!) next day, he called in sick as he couldn't face work and was so tired. He saw his dad and told him how we were gonna make a go of it and this was what he wanted with a shadow of a doubt and he txt his mum, as she was away and said the same to her and asked for help as he couldn't do it on his own.
Then he saw this other woman again to tell her he was making a go of it with me, it broke my heart that he had told her I was pregnant as it wasn't for her to know and made me feel sick that another woman would say she was ok with me being pregnant but still wanted him!! But least she knew the full truth. I dunno what was said between them, he saw her for a few hours then came over to see me.....
By this point he now seemed distant again and like a stranger, it’s like there is 2 people! The man we all know which I would trust with my life and this other person who's had an affair that no-one recognizes anymore. He said he couldn't do it and felt he had feelings for her and was falling in love with her!!! I got upset as I could not believe what I was hearing; he was only saying all what he did as I was pregnant!! which even now, I do not believe as if that was the reason for him coming back he would of been talking about it but all he was talking about was happy memory’s we had and what we can do to get us back to being happy!!!! Never mentioned the baby just all the things we used to love doing and that we were going to do
I wasn't in denial but I do know him and said I don't believe him, I think he was scared that we won't get back to happiness and she had a hold on him but by now the wall he has built was back up!! Because we spoke till so late into the night, I stayed at our house with him, it wasn't ideal but I am so glad I did. I asked him to lay on the bed with me, he was very reluctant to do this but part of me hated him for doing this and another part of me loves him so much and wanted to hold him as he seemed so scared and confused!
I don't really think he knows what he wants and who he is anymore as he would never want to do what he has (his always been one of the good guys) I said my tummy hurt and he rubbed my back as I tried to sleep but I pulled his arm round to my tummy and said do you realize you have your wife carrying your child in your arms right now and then I fell asleep.
In the morning I was angry and he was distant again, as I couldn't deal with the fact he was carrying on seeing this other person and she was allowing him to, knowing all the facts... what kind of woman does that and says stay with me! I said to my husband that we will talk in a few weeks but I will keep him updated with all my appts for the baby so he can be there as that’s what he wanted and I would never take it away from him. I went to work and can only have been there and I went to work tired and upset.
I went to make a cup of tea and a pain went through my body like never before and was not stopping, I called my doctor who said go straight to A&E. When I got there they rushed me through and put me into a room on my own, a friend had called my husband at work and told him what had happened, he rushed to be with me but the hospital said he could come through later as they needed to see what was happening with me and the baby, but after 6 hours of waiting, scans and many blood tests they told me there was no heart beat and the baby had died! I can't even describe what I felt at that point, they said this does happen and explained to me all about how this happens.
I then had to tell my husband I had lost our baby, he was very sad and feels to blame, and I said the doctor said it wasn't down to him but it's a sad & cruel thing that happens in this world. I didn't really want to him and was pretty nasty to him, so I didn't explain to him what to expect with a missed miscarriage. I wanted him to stay with me through the night just for the next few nights as I'm scared and it hurts! But he said to me he can't, he said he can be there for me but only so much!!! And would be back the next day for my hospital appt!
He had told the other woman I'd lost our baby which made me so angry as I explained to him she would have been glad that we had lost our baby and that’s makes me sick! When he left me that night I called him and got upset and asked if he thought it was some kind of betrayal to her I he stayed and he said YES!!!! I then txt him saying if he ever cared or was a man he would have stayed even if he couldn't lie on a bed with the woman who was carrying his child then he would sleep downstairs as this out ways EVERYTHING! He txt me saying he wanted to be there but not through the night as I would cling to this!! I could tell this isn't him talking as it's not his words.
I saw him the next day and I just went on about how he could do this and I did go on quite a lot but I still working off my emotions of being hurt and betrayed again I guess and still having pregnant hormones! In the end he left and went to his parents to tell them the news that I miscarried our baby. I spoke to him that night and asked him NOT to go to this other woman’s house in honor to our baby but he did and it makes me feel proper sick that he would do that while leaving me to grieve. Then Friday I got a txt saying how am I, and sorry for being off with me on the phone, I replied saying I wasn't good and how was he but heard nothing back!
later that evening I txt and said is he not going to call or see me and he said he couldn't see me at the moment and sorry if i think that’s harsh!!!! I find it sick and harsh but I can only count all of this down to grieving or guilt or his having some kind of breakdown but I can't seem to pull him through this and while he destroys himself his taking me down with him and I can't step away as my heart won't let me!!! We move out of our house at the end of next week and then I have NO connection with him anymore and I don't know what to do!!
His mum told the night he went there he broke down and sobbed for hours and said how very sorry he was for what he has done and how he has hurt them, how he blames himself for what has happened, which I don’t want as it’s not. His mum said he was broken, he said he couldn’t convince me that we were over but his mum tried to explain he can't because he hasn't and still isn't dealing with his marriage but is carrying on.
Now I have told you everything and you have probably nodded off or feel you have lost the will to even reply but please Mr. Lover Man give me some advice other than... walk away as I deserve better, he has to make his mind up, he has always been a little insecure and questioned that his a somebody in this life but I feel he doesn't realize we make ourselves a somebody, no one else does that for us!! It’s not just that when you get with someone they make you feel untouchable and amazing; we can all do that on our own!
Imagine your closest best friend in the world who is not nasty in any way but all of a sudden just changes but you know this isn't who they are.... what can I do??? I can't give up on him or my marriage as I love him too much and something is telling me to stick this out!!!
I look forward to hearing from you “The girl who believes in Love”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The girl who believes in Love”,
My answer will not match the length of your situation but I hope it delivers some well needed truth. I am very sorry for your lost and wish you a healthy future and hoping you recover well. Sadly, you have misled yourself much more so than he has. Through your entire email, you have continuously expressed what you felt he thought or you think he is like or how he really isn’t any of the things he continuously shows that he is. I wish I can offer up a magic elixir to make this the way you want but the reality is that I can’t. At this point (maybe not originally) you are as much to blame for your new heartache as he is.
He continues to sleep around and professes on more than one occasion his falling in love with another woman, which in a very insecure fashion, you immediately inject that you know its lust and not love. This said to comfort yourself and hold on to someone that does not want to be held on by you. You have continued to mislead yourself and it is not healthy for you. You do not wish to move on, you may think you do not know how to but everyone can move on. You don’t want to.
It takes two people to make a marriage work and you can’t fight for someone that does not wish to be fought for. He has chosen where he wants to be. People change as life happens and you wishing him to be exactly as he was or the situation was years ago will not happen. You have to come to terms with present day events and understand that he is not the happy go lucky nice guy you want him to always be. He has slept around and even given his heart to another. He has repeatedly gone back and forth and when you needed him most, he couldn’t give his all. He even expressed he couldn’t and yet, you mislead yourself to believe in something that isn’t and you need to let this one go.
You should consider seeking professional help as this has taken a toll on you and it will help in your transition in life. I can’t give you the response you want but only what I feel is the response you need. You have lost too much and this has taken a toll on you. This is the time to put yourself first and step forward for you. He cannot do that with you because he has chosen not to, you need to stand up and step forward without turning around. I wish you the best; please consider reaching out to a professional that can help with the transition. Good luck and please keep me posted.

THE ATTRACTION TO THE MARRIED MAN/WOMAN

2011-05-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My best friend seems to only date men that are attached. What’s her deal? She says she doesn’t mind being the one on the side but isn’t that sort of like stepping backwards? What is your take on this? She knows I’m sending this so please answer. Thank you from Janice.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Janice”,
There are many issues with this type of behavior and it could be one of many or a few of many. People tend to venture out to the “forbidden” property to boost their already low esteem. At times this is a false sense of accomplishment and other times, a bad breakup which brings fear to settle but still a need to be touched or feeling alone has rendered the individual to accept being an object of sex and nothing more. In many reasons it is an action that equals how they subconsciously feel about themselves. There are people that do it because they are greedy and selfish and are never satisfied with what they have and only seem to seek out for what others have and that spills into other people’s relationships as well.
Like a said, there could be a series of reasons, however, none are good and none are justified. If you wish to only deal with someone for sex, do it with single people. It is wrong and disrespectful to someone’s partner for you to inject your easily spread goods (or not so goods) because of one of the previously mentioned reasons. There comes a time in life when people need to be mature enough to think about others. This would be one of those times. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Mr. Lover Man what makes a man only seek married or attached women? Then act like a 2 year old when the married or attached women won’t be his beck and call? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
As people our common flaw is at one point we have all been attracted to someone or something we cannot have. If we go as far back as the story of Adam and Eve, you clearly see how Eve did what she shouldn’t, to have what wasn’t hers. It’s a common story throughout the course of time. I do admit that I can understand but do not promote. I do advocate monogamy, however, to each is own. Promise and commitment deserves respect in any form of life, most importantly in a relationship. The man you speak about has issues, and there could be many reasons why he seeks out the married woman. There is a perverted sense of accomplishment that the man feels when he engages sexually with the married woman. The reason they may act childish when rejected is because they are childish. Some men (people in general) tend to share this sentiment when it comes to rejection. People value the moment too much and do not realize that one moment is just that, one moment. You can appreciate it but live to make more of them. They hold on too much to rejection and it is pathetic. There could be various reasons but I’m sure they lie above. Thank you for the question.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I met this girl and I’m really feeling her. The problem is I’m not used to settling down. I always did the married woman thing and also did the next man’s girl thing. I’m used to that player life, you feel me? And now I met this one girl that kinda got me ready to step up but it’s hard to stop having fun. What would you do? Thanks. Player P.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Player P”,
Asking me what I would do makes no sense in this question because I’m not a “player” of any sort. However, I’ll speak on the surrounding issues here. I want to begin by saying that your reluctance to settle is a huge sign that you are not ready to move forward. Take your time. There is someone else’s emotion on the line and you have no right to play games with it. As for your proud “player” moment, I think you need to learn to search more of yourself as an individual. Your fear or unwillingness to settle down should be addressed. I’m not saying you should go settle down, but I am saying that you should search as to what causes this feeling to stay away from that. You may have thoughts of settling down because she is different in some fashion but if you met her under the “she belongs to someone else” thing, you really need to think that out before you get played “player”. I don’t promote your lifestyle and the way you glorify it is almost disheartening. If you feel you don’t want to settle down, then deal with someone who mutually only wants to engage on the same level without a third party victim who shouldn’t be living this unwillingly. You have to take a step forward in the maturity factor. Start with time seeking within. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a college student and my major is social work and in almost every class that brings up the subject of relationship, there is always numbers about married couples cheating. If I get married, how can I guarantee myself to prevent being one of those numbers? Sincerely, College Girl.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “College Girl”,
There are no guarantees. I know that is not the answer you wanted and anyone that says different is full of themselves to even pretend they can guarantee it. One can enhance ones chances on keeping a mutually respected and loyal relationship by communication, trust and honesty. The other components follow but those three are the most vital in any relationship, especially a marriage. Numbers are good in school and in postings but in real life, it’s about the individual. You have to be the best you and encourage your partner to be the best them. You must lead by example but be willing to also be a student at times. Life is not about those numbers. If you let them consume you, they can become your reality, you choose to be an individual and you are already ahead of the pack. Good luck and keep me posted.

MOTHERS DAY IS LOVE

2011-05-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

Once a year men and women alike take a moment to do something celebratory and honor mothers abroad. Even some of the most despicable men & women park their lameness to the side for a day, then Monday comes.. We all jump in saying “Mothers Day should be everyday” but never act like it is. People post pictures of their mom and promise to always make her proud and yet, they forget that by Tuesday. You know your mother wants the best for you, so why not honor her by doing the absolute best you can in your world and be the greatest success you possibly can? Oh wait, that can’t be done in only one day a year..

I see you standing there on the grocery line with a child in your hands, a stroller in the other and about to find a way to carry bags. A feat often overlooked and before I offer help, I can only admire and honor such strength. I see you walking past hecklers and lames that have the audacity to try to hit on you while engaging with your child.

I see your tears before they fall and I see the smiles that children place on your face and although I don’t know you, I smile to let you know that I honor you. I see the hard work and the way some men’s lack of progression has challenged you. I honor how you accept the challenge and overcome.

I look back at old pictures and wonder… could there ever been a woman more beautiful. I think not. Some stories are never told and some have a deeper meaning. I know of the adversity you faced, the unfair treatment you received from those close to you, yet you never let that interfere with how you mothered us. Your smile was unmatched and every picture we are in, you somehow make me feel like the star of it when in reality, I am a star because you are the universe that birthed me.

I could not imagine life without you. The walks through parks, the smiles, the way you interacted with me during cartoons made me forget the age difference. The days you held me and those times you said you were proud of me, secretly, I lived for those moments.

Differences injected in our worlds as different phases of life came and I felt like I stopped making you proud, yet, you never took a single step away from me and at that time I couldn’t understand why. I became a nightmare, running amok, fist fights, late nights and women. Yet, you never took a step away.

"When I was unspoken, denied words

You remained by my side
A mother’s love not unheard
When backs was turned
Your hand touched mine
Reminded me of a time
When I was no older then 9
I needed your hand
To be your little man
To be loved
Distance couldn’t take the place
You gave with grace"

Only then did I begin to appreciate and learn love on a higher level. When so many disappeared, you never turned away, not even for a second and I then second guessed who I was. I wondered where I was headed and why did it take so much for me to figure it out, yet, you still remained, arms open as if nothing was wrong and everything would be alright.

Change only happens if the individual is willing to make those changes for the self and Lord knows I wanted these changes for me, but it would be a lie if I didn’t admit it was also for you. I long for moments lost in phases but I can no longer be 7 years old. I continue to be a great man, the best Dad and most loving partner I can and this is rooted from you and Dad. I remember every detail and even when I slipped away, I never let go.

Thankfully I am a great man; I have done what so many in my shoes couldn’t. I have defied odds that were told to be impossible and have made love infectious in my world. I am a father unlike any, I have denied the stereotype and the societal norm to raise my son and have allowed him to be expressive. I am better because of my childhood and he will be better because of it too.

Times have changed and we have settled into a new situation. We are all adults with our own opinions and life experiences and when people from yesterday ask me about or commend me for the accomplishments I have made, I can’t help but think of you and Dad. The root is what made me and it is what will make my son great.
Everything I am comes from everything you are, I honor and love you Mom and all mothers abroad.

"The wind blows

As the breeze gives serenity
So does your smile
Just the same as a spring day
Ice cream cones are pale
To the cheek touches from your finger tips
Mommy’s little boy"

BOY MEETS GIRL, BOY KISSES GIRL, BOY LEAVES GIRL CONFUSED

2011-04-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I had my eye on this guy for quite some time. He is a looker. Every time I laid eyes on him I wanted to throw myself at him. One day I sucked it all in and approached him, we spoke and he was such a gentleman. I felt like he was preoccupied at times but when he looked at me, I felt so beautiful. I gave myself to him and all of a sudden he is too busy and hardly returns my calls. What’s up with that? Why are men so inconsiderate and uncaring?
From Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
First thing, if you think men are so inconsiderate and uncaring, maybe you should ask yourself why is that you attract those types of men. You walked into this situation acting like he was water and you were stranded on a desert. In the very beginning there was an indication that something may be wrong with him being preoccupied and instead of trusting instinct, you walked with your eyes. One thing I wonder is when he looked at you did you feel beautiful because this guy you were lusting after looked at you are because you misled yourself to think it would be more? This often happens and then people place all the blame on the other person. You gave yourself up sexually in what probably is not his respectable viewing timeline and he probably was a scumbag who took what you offered and was no longer interested. As cruel as that may sound, it is real life and you need to carry yourself a bit more respectable and learn someone before you let them dive into the ocean. Verbal and non verbal body languages are key in knowing where he would have stood. You can’t blind yourself to the point that you compromise the better you for a moment. You can try to communicate how you feel and what it is you wish but you have to be honest with yourself and prepared to accept his truths. In actuality, at this point, his silence has spoken volumes. Good luck, keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My friends think there is something wrong with me because I wear my heart on my sleeve. Is that really a bad thing? I mean I know I haven’t been doing exactly the best when it comes to meeting guys. I give too much too fast and then they lose interest. How do I change that? Lots of thanks, Melissa

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Melissa,
Giving your all isn’t a weakness, but the timing can be. It’s good that you are a good person but one thing is that when you are in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, you have to always be cautious. You have to embrace this as the “learning phase” and not the “what can I do for you phase”. A key is to not go too far from who you are and where your life is for another. Stay in your comfort zone, don’t enter his just yet. Make him earn that with displayed interest. Being caring isn’t something I expect you to turn off, but the steps to allowing someone in your world can be altered. Life is yours, make it that way. If he has interest, he will allow himself to be paced respectfully. You have a made a life without the next guy, don’t abandon that to try and make him smile. Your world should be part of why he smiles. Be smart, learn him. Good luck, keep me posted on your next endeavor.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How can I get a man to open up from the beginning? I feel like by the time I do, he is ready to walk. What is it men want besides sex? I meet men and it never lasts and I’m going to be in my 30’s soon and I would like to find the right one. Thanks for the help. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Comfort brings comfort and in trying to seek that you just have to be yourself and if he isn’t comfortable with you being you then it’s on to the next one. As for what men want outside of sex, the first thing is an open minded woman that knows that a real man doesn’t want just sex. Another thing that isn’t so known is that men focus on the activity that produces emotions instead of emotions that produce activity and that’s why it seems men are into only sex. Men want women that know what they want and are independent without being bitter. Men want a confident woman who isn’t trying to challenge his manhood but empowered by her womanhood. Men want a partner and not a constant instigator or interrogator. Being competitive is cute but men don’t want to always compete, they prefer support emotionally and a partner. Men can confuse intensity with intimacy at times and good men aren’t afraid to lead when needed, but will also take charge at other moments. As for your age issue, do NOT ever compromise because you feel a clock is running out. You are still very young and as a young adult, you have time to seek within and see more of yourself to surface that will attract good men. These other guys you can’t keep cant only be their fault and you need to self analyze before you go men shopping. The key to finding Mr. Right is by being yourself and being the best you, which is Mrs. Right. Good luck and keep me posted.

BREAKING UP: IS THERE AN EASY WAY?

2011-04-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

How do I break up with my boyfriend without hurting him so much? I am not interested any longer in this and it isn’t like he is a bad person, I just don’t want to force myself to stay when I’m not happy. HELP ME PLEASE.
Anonymous Jane.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous Jane”,
Is there a way to break up with someone in a relationship where emotions are invested and no one gets hurt? Absolutely not, however, you have to not wear the responsibility of another’s feelings and come to terms with the fact that you are being honest with yourself and the other. With that being said, do not be childish about it, be gentle, be honest and be humane. There is an emotional investment, so do this with grace and remember that you’re soon to be ex boyfriends feelings are in part from his belief system, you have your own and he has his. This helps ease the guilt of hurting another. The fact of the matter is, someone will be hurt, but you cannot wear that all the time. You need to find your inner peace with moving on and gently ease out with respect because he has feelings too. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My man just broke up with me and I’m really hurting from this. I feel like if he heard me out he would change his mind and see that I’m the one for him. Why don’t guys listen when you telling them things they need to hear? From Broken Heart

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Broken Heart”,
Break-ups are not the easiest thing to deal with but they are not impossible either. The problem here is that it isn’t the guys that aren’t listening to the things they “need to hear”, it’s you that isn’t listening to what is needed to hear and that’s the fact that your ex is not willing to be with you any longer. Sometimes the one you want is not the one for you and when you are hurt, things aren’t as clear as when your emotions settle down. Do not take this relationship like a reflection of self worth because just because two people are not compatible doesn’t mean one is worth less. Utilize your time, take this time to work on doing things you have wanted to and just never got around to doing. Sometimes these breaks in life is a transition phase, testing one to enhance strength and giving the ability to invite something new in one’s life. Take advantage. Be mature about how the world of relationships work and you will see that not all last but as long as you got something to carry forward from it, it was a success in education. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a position where the only option is breaking up with my woman. I know she is going to be upset and I don’t want it to be that way but I have been unhappy for a long time and I am taking from my life being with her. I don’t want to be like other guys that broke her heart but I’m not happy. I care and want to do it the easiest way possible. How do I do it? Mr. Sunday Morning

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mr. Sunday Morning”,
Despite the name, this is not easy like Sunday morning (Lionel Richie if you didn’t know). Ok, back on track, there is no way to do this without eliminating hurt, especially if this is a pattern for her. However, it is not your job to place blame at all or to make her feel diminished in her life position. I appreciate you wanting to ease the pain and often the best way is to be caring and honest, however, not brutal to the sense that you become accusatory and place blame. You can say something like “The connection between us is no longer there” as opposed to “You don’t make me happy”. Be a gentleman about things and often people say “Just tell me straight up” and when you do, things fall apart. The reality is you are being straight up; you’re just not being an asshole about it. You are considering her feelings and only letting the reasons it isn’t going to work without placing blame be known. Good luck and let me know how it turns out.

Mr. Lover Man,
My girlfriend left me and we were together for almost three years. I was down for about three or four days and I thought I would be down a lot longer but I’m not. Is that normal? From: Luis

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Luis”,
Some people believe that the time one is together is an automatic rule for length in getting over a break-up and that is never true. Each person and individual is different. A lot of this arises from need or unfulfilled needs in childhood and how clingy people become and the level of attachment in an individual. You getting over it fast don’t make you other than normal nor does it mean that you valued it less; it simply is about the character within and the life factors that have contributed to this. I wouldn’t kick myself in the rear about this, now had it been reversed and you were down in an extensive period, then I would recommend seeking help about that. Luis, live your life and be the best you always. Good luck.

UNWANTED: THE EX.. $0 REWARD.

2011-03-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My girlfriend gives me signs that she isn’t completely over her ex. She talks about him when we are watching movies. She will bring him up and say “Oh we did this before” and she still texts/calls him daily. She claims they are friends but this is everyday and I’m very uncomfortable and losing feelings. What should be my next move? Thank you for your advice “John”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “John”,
This is where communication and true expression of your feelings are a must. Sit her down, do not wait until it happens again but sit her down and express your feelings about the situation. I never see the relevance of calling and texting an ex daily. That is a clear sign that there still exists feelings that can threaten your relationship, however, this also shows that your partner may not be ready to be in a committed relationship. These are things you have to clearly express. You should not be subjected to having to “live with” her ex every day of your relationship. That’s not fair and it is not healthy for the progress of your relationship.
The thing that gets me about these situations is that you have went on quietly without expressing yourself that it is almost like you indirectly condoned the actions. Do not forget to tell her what this is doing to your feelings in this relationship. You both have to make a mature decision about where you both stand. Maybe she feels it is ok and will not budge on the topic. If that is the case then you need to make a decision that will make you happy. Weigh out the options but never compromise your happiness. The ex is the ex and you are the current. I think it is nice if people can break up and remain friends but daily calls and texts are absurd. That isn’t healthy at all. Stand firm but caring in your stance. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am not feeling good about the situation I’m in. My man and his ex are hanging out once a week and always chatting it up on Facebook and whatever else they are doing. At first I tried to overlook that because I’m not a jealous type of lady but it’s going too far. When my ex contacted me to be friends, my man was not happy so I cut ties. He won’t even cut his for me and I feel like he still loving his ex. I don’t like this and don’t want to come off like I’m jealous, what do I do? “Anonymous”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
Often when you have a feeling that something is going on, it just might be. When your partner worries about you and your ex being friends, which gives a clear sign that they worry something may happen because of how possible it could happen with him in his situation. You need to stop him in his tracks and talk to him. You have the very right to express your feelings, not in an accusatory manner, but in the matter of concern and to allow your honest feelings to surface. Do not worry about coming off jealous because as long as it is your honest concern and feelings that you are explaining then any civil individual would understand. One of the biggest cancers to a relationship is the relationship of the ex-boy/girlfriend. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m confused about where I want to be. I am starting to have feelings for my ex again. Ever since she reached out to me on FaceBook and we have been chatting, I feel like we can get past the things that broke us up. She has been trying to get with me but I have a girl. I told her this and she really is making changes to make it right. I love my girl but I still love my ex. Now I don’t know who I really want. My question is, how will I know which one is the one I want? “Mr. No Name”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mr. No Name”,
This confusion you claim is entirely your fault. When one of both of these females becomes hurt, it is entirely your fault. The problem with many people (you included) is that they assume that moving on to another relationship is the key to getting over the last one and it is not. You should have either made the final attempt to fix things with your ex or took sufficient time to get over it before you entered another relationship. The notion that you have allowed your ex back in to make these attempts, even though you are involved makes you some off like an inconsiderate asshole. Have you no care for you current partner? One should never allow the chase of another when in a committed relationship. You should have remained as firm as you wished your partner to be in the same situation had the roles been reversed. Now you have to own up to these actions and step forward honestly to your partner and tell her where you stand. You asked how will you know, well you wouldn’t have to ask if you knew, which clearly shows that it is you that isn’t ready for the committed relationship. You may need more time to settle things within before you invite someone into your world for inevitable heartache. You have to be honest first with self and then to the others. This situation is going to hurt someone, it is best to step forward now before the hurt deepens. Good luck, keep me posted.

Signs that your partner isn’t over the ex: One good sign is that they keep mementos to always reminisce out and to always hold on to. It is not healthy if your partner has these mementos posted publicly while in another relationship. Those are definitely red lights going off. Another sign is the increase of contact, which is not something that should be happening, especially while in a relationship with another. There are other signs such as saying their name when speaking to you, over usage of the ex’s stories or the comparison’s of the ex with you or anyone. Someone unwilling to talk about the ex at all is also a sign that they are not over the ex. Some people avoid the discussion people they can’t bear to talk about it without feelings arising.

Do not accuse or assume, instead express concerns of your personal feelings. This can always be worked through if both partners are committed to making it work. This can and will only work with communication. Allow your partner to feel as if this isn’t your feelings against them but instead it is you reaching out to work on this together. Take time to learn the next person as an individual and not as the person the ex is or isn’t. Let time work for you and stop thinking it’s against you. Be cautious and patient, be honest and caring but always be you. Good luck to all and never let the next suffer because of the ex. Learn the individual.

Mr. Lover Man’s words..
The case of the Ex vs. the Next is so old yet so cancerous in too many relationships. People tend to run to another relationship to attempt to ease the heartache of the last one and it only causes confusion and misleads the partner. It is always best to take time to work within and let one’s heart heal before one misleads self and others to thinking the next situation is as purely perceived as it should be.

JEALOUSY & POSSESIVENESS: THE SIBLINGS OF DESTRUCTION

2011-03-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am really having a dilemma, I want to get rid of this very clingy guy but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. How should I go about it? He creeps me out a little bit with the way he goes from sweet to upset in a second over small things. He calls too much asking me too many questions and always wants to take me to places that I have to go. HELP! “Anonymous”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This sounds like there was a progression of possession here. I’m very sure there were signs because there always are. However, what happens is many women tend to think a little jealousy is cute and even goes along way but when you nurture that jealousy just like anything else, it grows, and in this case it grows to creep-ville. The first thing I want you to do is remain calm and honest. That is very important and when confronting this individual about the choices you are making, make sure someone(s) are in the area. Possessive and jealous people have been known to use physical force to attempt to defy the end when their words can no longer do so. His flip flop in emotions can mean many things, could be mental illness but also could be an out of control abuser waiting to be surfaced. Either way, you know you want out and you must stick to that. Now, you do not have to be mean, being firm and honest isn’t equivalent to being mean. If the calls persist and other things grow without him getting the hint, you must contact your local authorities because you can not underestimate someone in a possessive or jealous rage. Please be safe and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am not the type to argue or complain but my man is the only person to have brought it out of me. He never allows me to have a point of view and I am beginning to feel like he is abusive. He never hit me but he over talks my ever idea and no longer lets me live my social life that I always had. I love him but things changed. He really is possessive and I don’t like feeling like a prisoner. Save our relationship Mr. Lover Man. Thank you. “Mary”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mary”’
That is views as a form of abuse. You have the right to feel that way. In any situation in life, when you feel discomfort you MUST mention it and say so in the very beginning. Ignoring or forcing yourself to tolerate is the quiet way of accepting and saying its ok. In this situation it is NOT ok. A possessive partner is not a safe partner. You must remember that you are not his car, sofa or television and that you also have time and emotion invested in this relationship. There is a union and partnership that must be respected, if not, it has failed. You have to express these hurts and you have to express what you miss. Remind him who you are in his life and your position by his side, tell him you are willing to fight enough that you recommend therapy or professional intervention. People can’t turn of jealousy and possessiveness overnight. This is something that has been growing for quite some time and you need to end it asap. You have to tell him the importance of your social life and the importance of him having one as well. You do not want him to be dominating. There is a difference with masculinity and possessive. They do not have anything to do with each other. I need you to be truthful and expressive. If he is unwilling to make accommodations and seek help then you need to consider the harsh realities. One is that there is a great (almost guaranteed) chance that he will always do this, he will end up hitting on you and/or verbally abuse you to the point that he owns you because of diminishing esteem. You need to determine your value, not him. You need to take one final stand for this relationship. If he won’t, then you walk away. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My wife just changed on me like a chameleon. She went from affection and love to jealous and psycho. All I did was put a ring on her finger. Now she acts like she owns me. I have lost my own time because of this. She wants every second of my life. I need a breather, the marriage is worth fighting for and I love my wife but this is pushing me somewhere. Give me some tips so I turn this frog back to my queen. “Rob”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Rob”,
Your wife probably displayed slight hints of this and you may have tolerated it, blinded by the good. It happens too many but now that you are not only bonded by the heart but by law, it makes the sense of urgency a bit more. You need to honestly sit your wife down respectfully and honestly express your feelings about this. Ultimately there has to be ground made and she has to be willing to make changes because your marriage and the happiness that should have accompanied it depend on it. She may not even realize the costs of her actions and you don’t need to throw ultimatums in her face but just honestly express how it is affecting you. Let her express herself and her willingness to make changes, if she isn’t willing to then you have to ask yourself, how much are you willing to take before you walk away for good. Happiness is yours, never throw it away in an unhealthy relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
If my boyfriend loves me why does he talk down to me? I stay at home, I cook, clean and do things a girl should. I don’t understand why he has to treat me like I’m not doing my thing. What should I do to make him understand? “Anonymous”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonymous",
Disgustingly, he does this to criticize so you can feel bad about yourself. This is to destroy your self esteem. The rationale (although pathetic) is that If you don't feel good about yourself then you will believe that no one else truly wants you for you. Then he has opened the forum to remind you how much he loves you or to impress upon you that you are lucky to have him so you never run off. This can turn to fear and a loss for inner self to the point that you end up believing that crap. He wants to dominate and own you; he wants to crack your will and your sense of independence so that you depend on him. You have already accepted the gender roles of what you believe a “girl should do” instead of having a partnership. You need to nip any down talk in the bud and remind him that he is to never speak to you like this. You are not his property, you are his partner and if he chooses to want property, you must remove yourself from this situation. These situations only lead to violence and every form of abuse. When words no longer have an effect, possessive and jealous men result to fist and feet. Please be safe, honest and firm. You are worth more. You must believe that. Please keep me posted. Good luck.

SOME KEYS TO SPOTTING THE POSSESSIVE OR JEALOUS PERSON
If their opinions of how you look are always condescending or in doubt.
Putting you down constantly.
Over excessive calls and/or always asking your whereabouts and the next move you make.
Always injecting self to take you everywhere you have to go.
Lack of esteem or outlook. Always in a bind (often fake) to make you run to his aide.
Angered about minor things way too often.
Doesn't communicate well but chooses to debate or argue instead.

Please be careful and never assume another person's position. Don't assume one day he/she will change, you must demand it and you must make sure you see it, if not you must evacuate the relationship. Good luck. Thank you for reading.

ONLINE DATING: HYPE OR HOPE? KNOW THE RULES.

2011-03-10T15:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'm in an online situation with this guy and he wants me to travel quite some miles to meet him but I'm not comfortable. I really like him and we chat for hours daily, but for some reason this isn't feeling good. WHat do I do? Ms.Travelocity
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Ms. Travelocity,
Your instinct may be picking up something you are ignoring and you should trust your instinct. Have him some to you. I have included with this post a list of must follows for Online Dating that in my opinion not only keeps you safe but also cuts out the unqualified. Good luck and please read further, you will see what I mean. Keep me posted.

DEAR MR. LOVER MAN,
Is it bad that I'm looking for love online? My friends seem to think so. What do you think? Thank you from "Seeking Truth"
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Seeking Truth",
The fact of the matter is that 20% of successful relationships started online. There is a hughe phenomenom with online dating but many things to consider when dealing with this. Not everyone is a pervert but on the flip side not every charming quote is backed by a respectable man. I included some good rules to follow to get you rolling and into a better online situation. Good Luck and please keep me posted.

Mr. Lover Man’s Online Dating Rules for Women to Follow

Post a clear photo without criticizing yourself, men are tired of the need for validation from every guy online. Just post it and say nothing, let them do all the talking. Real men see through the desperate attempt to have tons of men make you feel good.

NEVER reply to opening lines that are clearly hitting on you, these are cheesy, lame attempts often copied and pasted to a series of women. Have some class if you are looking for something other than online chat.

Immediately block someone over sexual, over annoying or over intrusive. Not doing so gives a message to others that it is ok to do so. Set limits, even in the online world, it’s never “Just Twitter, FaceBook, E-Harmony” etc. There are physical people pushing those buttons, take it as such.

Do not offer your real name or real email that you do business or have family involving with. Have an alternative that means nothing but access to social sites.

Do not appear desperate and do not offer self after seeing a picture, chances are you are not the only one and will be treated accordingly.

Do not reply to emails in 5 minutes. Give it some time to reply, take a day or so and think clearly what you want to convey as your message of you. You have time; it isn’t like you are face to face.

Online dating can be as dangerous as picking up a stranger in the club. You do NOT know what you are really getting so act safe in every step. If you do meet someone, please make sure someone(s) knows your plan and if they alter, Call or text someone to let them know.

Never spend hours straight on your social site; it gives a message that you have nothing else going on in your life. Visit often but in shorter spurts, give a little and watch you receive a lot. Women who chase men online appear desperate and only offering sex, do not fall into this stereotype unless it is true; in that case, good luck. If this is not the case, let yourself be chased a little more. Now clearly this is not saying do not go after what you want, just don’t throw your all without even knowing anything other than a picture and a quote. Take time to learn, take time slowly to open up other avenues of communication.

Another lame and I mean super lame thing to do is to talk about how good your sexual performance is publicly or in your profile. No one will ever say “wow I can take her serious”, but will say “I wouldn’t mind trying that for a moment”. Or even just think you are an attention seeking idiot. Avoid that mess at all costs.

Do not settle for the type of men you don’t like because you are just bored and chatting online. Stay true to yourself always; this is you giving you despite it being behind a computer.

If he does not respond to your email after 3 or 4 days, he clearly isn’t as interested in you as you are in him. That’s a sign to evacuate.

Importantly, if you are being humorous, clearly let that be known as in text form, words can be misconstrued.

Do NOT and I repeat, do NOT lie about your size or job function. These are two turnoffs knowing they will find out. Camera angles used to hide your size or other things are tricks to lure people in that you do not think would if you didn’t. That shows your weaker side. Be true always, it doesn’t matter whether online or not, be true always. They will always find out one way or another anyway.

Chatting with a lot of men at once can turn off your Mr. Right. It’s ok to have conversation but once pet names and offers with dozens of men occur, a real man won’t stick around but knows he has someone out there willing to give him more attention.

NEVER risk your safety for the sake of a date. Let it always and I mean always be on your terms and your safe grounds. Do NOT travel miles to a place you never been with a man you never met. Let him come to you, in a hotel, meeting at a public place on your terms ALWAYS.

Please check out dome other interesting blogs I thought would peak your interest.

http://www.onlinedegree.net/10-true-online-dating-horror-stories/

http://www.topdatingsites.com/blog/2011/10-ways-to-prepare-for-chat-roulette/

DATING: THE DO'S AND THE DO NOTS

2011-03-01T09:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I was on a first date with this guy and I felt bad when he slightly checked out other woman. Do I have that right? I mean it’s only the first date.
Thank you from “Eyes Focused”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Eyes Focused”,
You darn right you have the right to feel what you did. People do not realize that you took time out your life schedule to take some time to get to know this guy and if he cannot show the common courtesy but to give you the equal attention then he shown where his interest lies. You need to think real clear if this is the type of individual you may want to pursue more time with. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
When is it right to have sex on a first date? I went on a date with this hot girl and all I could think about was getting between her legs. I can’t even say I can recall most what she said. Had I went for it, would it have been ok? I feel like I missed an opportunity here. Thanks man. Anonymous Male.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous Male”,
You are the poster boy for who a girl should NOT bring home to their mother and the reason many of us men are in the stereotype we are in. Thanks for absolutely nothing. With that being said, I would like to mention that in your immature sexual focus, you could have missed out on key cues and words that could have told you a lot more about this woman in your presence. Not only did you give her the perverse dog side of you but you never let the best you shine. You have most likely limited the chances of probably being with an amazing woman. Your inability to focus for a short period of time on a woman who is giving you the opportunity to learn her and to learn you shows your immaturity levels are in its prime. The focus isn’t always your penis, you need to utilize the other head and offer more of yourself and appreciate the other things women offer. Good luck with growing up and please keep me posted.

HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN GOING ON A DATE

Mr. Lover Man’s Dating Do's

1. Be on time, first impressions are important on both ends. There will times a nice waist and cute face just won’t get you anywhere and testing a man’s patience on the first date is definitely one of them. It shows responsibility and interest into having this first date.

2. Make your appearance one that stands out. This doesn’t mean dress like Cinderella for the ball, but something that shows you took some time and consideration into this moment and take note if he has done the same.

3. Ask questions and pay attention to answers, show that you are paying attention by periodically commenting or later on bringing up a response about his favorite movie or book. It pays off big time.

4. Give information but not too much. This is the first date and you cannot scare him off with stories about the men you slept with or the ex’s who have shattered you or whatever the case. Be interesting and be honest, but, do not and I repeat do not overdue it. That has been known to be a killer in the dating scene.

5. It is nice to compliment your date’s looks, especially if they took time and effort into getting themselves together for this date. It is really a rewarding feeling when acknowledged for the time and energy put into assembling the outfit. (It scores points)

6. Have a positive attitude and only be in environments of comfort. This is the first date and you need to make sure you can enter your zone at any time comfortably and exit respectfully if need be.

7. Importantly, date people who you like more than your friends like. Do not always date your friend’s type, it will breed resentment and ultimately this failed date may be associated with that friend. Date who you like to date because it is you on the date, not your friends.

8. Think ahead about a plan b for the date. The male may or may not have a plan for the date but things can always go wrong against anyone’s will and that’s ok. It happens, but, have a plan b and if appropriate, it’s ok to make suggestions. Or even work together on the suggestion (even though it was your plan all along).

9. Be very honest if the date is not going to lead to another one. The duck and avoid is not only childish but breeds bad karma. You really want to be mature and get into the habit of a more responsible person. Now that is something that men find attractive. Be honest, respectful and be sincere, but do not be mean about it.

10. Think clearly about dating before you do so. Try to be open-minded because often we think we know what Mr. Right is and we don’t. Try to enjoy moments when dating occurs and weigh things out after. You have the right to be happy.

Mr. Lover Man’s Dating Don'ts

1. Being late is a huge negative. I don’t think I can emphasize this enough. In the event of a real situation out of your control then be responsible enough to call and apologize while explaining ahead of time. Being late is just plain rude.

2. Do NOT check out other people on the date. Those that ever told you stupid silly idiotic things like “it’s ok because he isn’t your man anyway” should high five their own faces. First thing, that is just a huge turn-off, it shows no sense of self style and you have removed all notion of any seriousness about yourself that you may have expressed. You should be respectful enough to give enough attention to the person who has volunteered to give their time and attention to you. Trying to be slick can end a date real quick. It is really a date killer. Be courteous.

3. Do not continuously date the same type of people who continuously hurt you or play you for a fool. If you want a bad boy, then remind yourself that you will get bad boy things done to you. (Not generalizing, just making a great example). You have to pull away from the things that lure you into weak traps to receive the same nonsense you always do. Be willing to really invest in finding someone who is compatible when you least expect it.

4. Do not overanalyze! This is a killer on first dates and when one forgets that it is just one date and often they don’t enjoy themselves. Please remember it’s just the first one and you are to have a good time. I know you may be looking for Mr. Right but that process takes time, for now take advantage of a potentially great moment and enjoy it. Laugh, smile, enjoy and learn.

5. Do not lie to your date about events or people in your life. These things ultimately come to surface and then sprinkle doubt on everything you say/have said. How sad it would be to ruin what could be an amazing relationship because of some lie used to try to sound cooler than you think you are when you are more than enough.

6. Do not assume good looks with safety. Do not be lured into any environment or situation you are not comfortable with. Allow yourself to text or call updates periodically with friends while on your bathroom breaks (two breaks are fine). Make sure your phone is charged before the date and carry an extra charger in your bag/purse. You just never know who this is you are on the date with, no matter how attractive he is.

7. If you want to sleep with him, DON’T. That is not negotiable. Unless you are looking for just sex or a one night stand, sleeping on the first date will not give off a message of anything other than that’s what you do and immediately puts him in the position to treat you as such. You can’t have a dating plan that ends with sex on the first date when he doesn’t even know you, so obviously he doesn’t really like you other than what you look like.

8. Do not get drunk. For many obvious reasons but most of all because you need to carry yourself respectfully when getting to know someone as they are getting to know you.

9. Do not give too much personal information on the first date; whatever information was exchanged to set the date up is good enough until you get to know this person better. Do not rush into knowing this person, as rushing can lead to overlooking and that leads to heartache and disappointment.

10. Absolutely, positively NEVER date a married person. That is just absolutely ridiculous and according to statistics you are only going to find a whole bunch of heartache, headache and problems you do not need. If someone is married but separated, you need to know where this separation is leading to. If it’s in doubt then you do not go further. You need someone who can focus on you and not on maybe you and maybe the wife. That’s absurd and shows low esteem, one which the married person will pick up on and utilize against you.

REVENGE FOR THE BROKEN HEART...BUT WHAT ABOUT THE UNHEARD VICTIM..

2011-02-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

How far would you go to avenge your broken heart? How far are you willing to take a situation when the one you claim to love has broken your heart? When is it enough?

Unfortunately in many situations, the end is inevitable and too often there are those that cannot accept the concept of an end to a relationship. In such cases some have keyed cars, have approached new relationships with bitterness and even approached their ex’s new love with rumors and lies to keep him/her as unhappy as the self. What about the unheard victim such as children or family? When is it enough?

One particular story I am aware of finds a man whom is tired of his relationship and wants an end to it. The mother of his 6 year old son has broken the final straw by cheating on him and he is done with her.

This didn’t sit well with her and the thought of her being without him sent her to a state of mind that even her child’s father never thought possible. She has taken the child and disappeared. The father tries to contact her, but, to no avail as she ignores it knowing the hurt he would feel and that it should match what she felt with him leaving her. She ignored the fact that her son has begun to be affected by this psychologically.

After a period of days of no contact and filing a missing persons report only to be told that it is not kidnapping because she is the mother, the father felt exhausted and alone. He turned to the family court system for assistance. In doing so further infuriating his son’s mother, she decided to “up the ante” and called the police on him with a report of abuse and fabrications of past abuse that he allegedly committed onto her person.

She was thinking “This is what he gets for going to court”, unfortunately the man is arrested, held on bail until bailed out and had to fight this court case for about two years before being proven innocent of such horrendous false charges. Now one may think that it is justice that he was proven not guilty but so much has happened in the two yrs and thousands of dollars invested in proving his innocence. The mother did not serve him with a court summons and claimed she did and in doing this, the father never showed to court, granting her an order of protection for her and their son for two years by default because he never showed up.

As she was feeling a victory on her side, she neglected the psychological trauma and hurt being inflicted upon her child. Instead she comforted herself with other men.

She found herself pregnant and unsure of the father so she pinned it on someone she liked most. This man has two kids of his own and she does her best to make the kids like her, neglecting her own in the process. This continues to affect the psyche of the child she carried for 9 months, all in the wrath of avenging a broken heart.

The courts deny him custody, as his criminal case (although proven not guilty) biased the family court judge and only allows him after a year and a half of no contact to see his child every other weekend.

There is considerable damage here to this relationship of father & son but unbeknownst to the mother, her relationship with her son has begun been damaged as well. In her conquest to “show him” a thing or two for leaving her, she forgot to be a mother.

Time passes and the father and son have bonded as strong as before and sadly the son begins to express all the hurt he endures in his setting with two step siblings who constantly pick on him and a half sibling who has taken all the attention. He is not allowed to play sports because no one has time to take him or pick him up from extracurricular activities, he has become sheltered within and is now being bullied in school and only feels safe every two weekends.

The school refuses to intervene as the father pleas to investigate the bullying as they are also biased by the fathers previous order of protection to stay away from his child and mother of his child. Once again the son suffers. So I ask again, when is it enough? And wouldn’t moving on have been not just the smartest choice but the one that displayed the most strength? Taking the evil vengeful way has consequences but unfortunately isn’t thought clearly when one is in heartbreak mode.

What would you have done and when is this type of behavior enough?

I dare and challenge you to comment.

LOST AND CONFUSED.. REPEATING THE CYCLE

2011-02-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My life is in circles and I don’t know where to turn to. I find myself attracted to the wrong people over and over again. I keep dealing with the tough street person knowing they are no good and they end up cheating on me or talking to me any way they feel they can. I love the aggression at times but not directed to me in a negative way. My friends tell me I am better than them but they physically turn me on. I would like a man who is successful but they don’t seem as tough as these street guys and I need my man to be tough. What should I do because constantly ending up hurt and alone isn’t what I want? Thank you. Circles.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Circles”,
The need for a man to be “tough” gives off the a message that you need a protector of some sorts or maybe someone who can deal with you because you may be difficult at times, however, whatever the case, I see that you have limited yourself when looking for any man to fill those shoes. You said successful men do not seem to be tough and I counter with, you obviously do not know many successful men. It takes a level of toughness that many do not have to be successful. Maybe you are attracted to the street person because you feel inferior to the success type. The root of the problem is you for sure and you can’t complain about something you knew would happen, that’s gets old and tiring fast. Often we avoid what we aren’t used to or won’t venture past our comfort zone because the fear of rejection is more possible. When this occurs, failure is almost a guarantee. You have to want more for yourself, enough that you past your comfort zone and venture into new worlds of possibilities. Don’t take this as a date-a-man-athon because that’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that you need to dig within and place yourself in better situations so it can open you to a better opportunity with better men. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I think my husband tries to play me for an idiot. Every time we argue he tries to confuse me by bringing things up that are so off course and I just don’t know what to say so I walk away. It upsets me because I feel like he enjoys these arguments or enjoys trying to win them. Whatever it is it confuses me. What should I do? “Married & Confused”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Married & Confused”,
In a manipulative relationship there is a need of imbalance of power and that usually favors the manipulator. In this case these arguments that often confuse you can be a key to keep power in his grasps. However, you walking away gives you a false sense of control of your action because it was you that stormed off but in reality, he forced that and knew it would happen as it is a repetitive action. The manipulator (your husband) may have you think you have control but it is he who controls that situation. You need to express these concerns to him and before you see the argument arising, immediately inject yourself firmly and eliminate the power by letting him know you know what’s going on and rather talk like mature adults. Showing awareness of this manipulation will often break you free from his manipulating, deceptive ways. This just may be what he is accustomed to as a person, if this continues then this will need to further be addressed with professional help as this can destroy your relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Hi Mr. Lover Man, I need your help please... I met this guy because of we were introduced by our mutual friend. He just vacationed in Indonesia for a few weeks (He’s a Dutch guy). We had a blind date and he said that he likes me and he told me everything about him. That he's a divorced man because of his wife was cheating on him. And the next day we have spent day together...we holding hands, kissing and slept together (but we didn’t having sex). He just too sweet with me. And then a couple days later he went out to Bali for next vacation, he's there for 3 weeks. But we keep contacted each other. But when he's in vacation he said that he's not ready for any relationship because he can't trusted any women due to his last relationship, but he said he like me and he needs time.
And after he's back we just met once. We had dinner and long conversation about some stuff. We're not talking about this relationship because I’m afraid of it and it's too earlier. He still had 4 days before he flies away to Holland but in the end of that day he said that he doesn’t want to see me again. Cause he doesn’t want to make everything difficult for us. He left me but still contacting me until now.
I can see that he had a very, very bad trauma about his wife cheating, and he doesn’t want had any relationship ever. But, unfortunately, I’m in love with him....I know it's weird but I do. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. But I don't know what I should do to make him trust me and at least open his heart for me. He's afraid if he falling in love again he could be hurt again. What should I do now? I just don't know what to do... Thank you Mr. Lover Man. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There a couple things here that stand out and I think you are misleading yourself to avoid. One is that the constant message is that he does not wish to venture into a relationship and that he is not ready. The problem here is you give off the impression as if you think you can make him ready and that is something he has to heal from, not something like a gift that you can offer. He is clear with his message and you should not mislead yourself. If you enjoy his company and wish to continue to have it, you have to be honest with yourself as to what the situation is and embrace that without giving yourself away to something that has the chance of not growing. As far as you making him trust you, there isn’t much you can do than to just be yourself if you are truly a trusting person. There is no tactics and methods, or even an act in order to show that you are a trusting person if that is who you truly are. Just simply be you. At this point, it is ok to express self but not overstepping his position. If things start to get intimate, you have to ask where you guys stand because I know you need to protect your heart as well. None should mislead self or the other. Make communication the reason you guys either healthily move forward or safely move apart. Good luck and please keep in touch.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
3yrs ago today, I told my longtime off and on again Boyfriend that it was over and I haven't been the same since. I consistently keep choosing the wrong man. There are good men for others, but not good for me or even to me. Matter of fact, they have all chosen to give their attention to others while they were with me! Getting to know other women and putting me on the sideline. When I have addressed it with all of them, they tried to make it seem like I was crazy. But yet they are now seeing these women therefore just proving me right.
I know I'm the constant in this situation, but I truly don't know how to address it. I'm tired of talking to my single friends because they are in similar boats (unhealthy relationships). I have also tried talking to my step and god brothers and male friends but that goes nowhere fast since they all tell me the same thing "they are jerks and not worthy of you". But it happens again and again. I've changed where I'm meeting folks, opted for different types and all walks of life. But again, I am the constant! So I have recently deduced that I am not "relationship healthy" and this is now sending all my loved ones into a frenzy. You see, I'm in my 30's, engaged twice but never married and I have no children, alive that is. Which is the other issue. My mom has recently started on the "I want to be a grandmother" kick and it just makes me constantly think of my would have been 19yo daughter (No names). It started when my cousin’s daughter (born after mine) who was also named (no names) found out she was pregnant with her second child. But I digress.
My loved ones are screaming at me telling me that I'm crazy for thinking that it's my fault that these guys are all doing the same thing. But umm hello!!!! I am the Constant!!! Everyone feels that I am giving up. But I feel like I'm choosing to focus on my life, my joy and my happiness. But it's very hard especially when dealing with the fact that I am an only child and I know it hurts my parents that I haven't settled down or had a baby yet. The holidays made it worse with all the family photos reminding me that my lil one isn't here. I've joked and said that I was going to a sperm bank and my mother is now pushing that. But who wants to do it alone? I'm not financially ready to do it alone number one. And do I want to pass on this unhealthy relationship thing that I seem to have? Kids pick up on these things and I would try my best to show them how to be a lady and how to love a lady. But I can't teach them how to be a man or how to love a man. I have a lot of love inside me just dying to come out. I spend most of my time counseling others on their marriages and rekindling the fire. But yet, I'm so lost and I just don't know what to do about my situation. Any suggestions?
Lost

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Understanding you’re the constant is one thing and avoiding addressing the problem is another. You said that every man has given their attention to another, but before this even occurs, something is going on that isn’t mentioned here and that’s what needs to be addressed. The men get with you because obviously there is attraction there but something diverts their attention away and I am NOT saying its right but I’m saying that’s what needs to be addressed. We all have or had something that pushed/pushes others away and unless we address it, it will continue to do so. An easy cop out is “oh then they weren’t meant to be” but in reality we do lose good people by not addressing that. As for your family, I know all too well about the parents that want to be grandparents but this is about you right now. You do not reproduce life because of the need of another. You must know when you are ready and then make sure this is a decision that you will permanently be happy with. There is no return receipt on children. Do not feel lost in these life choices, start with the inner self and take time healing. There may be a need for professional help which I often recommend because the results are favorable. You have the right to be happy in every avenue of life; the best way to achieve that is happiness from within first. Best wishes and please stay in touch.

CHEATING: THE MOMENT THAT HURTS MORE THAN A MOMENT

2011-01-23T20:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am at my wits end. Here’s my story in a nutshell, my wife of 8 years (in a relationship 12) and I have 2 beautiful kids which are 5 and 4 years of age. She has been denying cheating on me for months but I noticed the changes, I noticed the hours changed, down to the damn way she looks at me. I decided to pay someone to follow her, take pics and report back to me, (like the show cheaters) and would you believe that I discovered she is cheating with a friend of mine. Now I’m coming to you because I don’t feel comfortable going to my boys about this, my family thinks my wife is a freaking angel and I’m ready to kill someone. What the heck do I do here because I’m ready to hurt my friend for this? Thanks. Angry Man.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Angry Man”,
I need you to erase the thought of doing something violent. No matter the situation, you must understand that knowing the root of the problem is key in reduction of doing something highly regretful. You have kids to think about and freedom to focus on. This is a price to pay to find out two things, one is that your wife and friend aren’t worthy of you in their lives intimately and two that you can be the better man by gracefully bowing out. I need you to trust me on this and not think of this as a less than approach but as a less is more approach. You have the right to confront and express but do not release aggression. You can be honest, firm and emotional but do not under any circumstances be the aggressor in an ugly situation. Let them know how much they hurt you; let them know that you no longer wish them in your life (other than your wife as your children’s mother). However, this is only assuming that you are ending the marriage. If you are not ending it then you need to come to an agreement after and during some professional intervention. Her willingness to participate will determine her willingness to want to work it out. Whichever it is you choose, you have to express your hurt and be given time to heal. You should look into professional help and put you and your kids first. You also have to go to your family, no matter what they think of her, you need support right now. You need to have an outlet and you need to not be alone. Continue to be a good dad and do not let this cause you to do something to remove you from your children. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Are all men destined to cheat? It’s almost like you can’t find a man who knows what he has long enough to appreciate just one before he finds his wandering eyes elsewhere, then his hands and member somewhere new. I’m with this guy who I thought was a good catch, good looking, and great in bed & have a job, but underneath that, he is a cheating asshole who only thinks about himself. How can I find someone not just into himself? Thank you. Sincerely, “Woman That’s Fed Up”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Woman That’s Fed Up”,
First thing, all men are not destined to cheat, however, all the men you presently attract probably are. You ask how you can find someone who isn’t into himself; well the key is to look beyond your eyes. You names three things that made this guy a good man and in reality, none of those say anything about who he is. He has a job, ok, well so do assholes. He is good in bed, ok, well so can anyone if they work it enough. You said he is good looking, and although that may be true, none of these make him a good man outside of bed and to look at. Before you become the bed buddy, learn your partner. Let communication explore who he really is and give an indication of what you really want. Sex before information usually goes wrong and it seems like maybe that’s where you are. Do things that are enjoyable and place him in different environments to see who he is. Take your time; happiness is a great thing to invest in. Take it as it is and do NOT, I repeat do NOT mislead yourself ever. If the signs are there, take it for what it’s worth and not what you wish they would be. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My situation is probably different than others. I have been married to my husband for about 6 years but after the first two years I suspected he cheated on me and I left him for about a year. In that year I ended up having a baby from another man. This man denied getting me pregnant and wanted nothing to do with me. My husband and I tried working it out and I realized that although I suspected he cheated, I never knew if he did or not and had absolutely no proof if he ever did. So we decided to work it out and he said he would raise the baby with me as if it were his own. I want to say that my husband is such a good man and he really stepped into the role as a real man does. If you though all that was complex, here goes the whammy; through Facebook, my baby’s real dad contacted me and said he is sorry and wants to be in the baby’s life but wants to get things right with me first. I will say that I am in love with my husband and despite what this next man has done, I can’t detach from him. He hasn’t pushed to see the baby but wants to see me. I haven’t seen him but one day left the computer on by mistake and my husband saw these messages back and forth and is filing for divorce. I don’t know what to do at all. Please save my marriage. Thank you, if you can do this I’ll be in debt always. “Lost Without Him”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost Without Him”,
Your husband is indeed a good man, the problem here is that (amongst many things) that I’m not sure he was able to fully heal from the fact that his wife got pregnant from another man. So the contact with this man outside of him seeing his child (which he doesn’t seem to care about) is painful in itself but added to the past pain has pushed him out the door. You needed to be more responsible and mature and you weren’t. The thing is I’m not sure you will just yet because you said you can’t seem to detach from him. Have a backbone here, the guy abandoned you and your child, the guy is only out to have easy sex. First, you need to eliminate all contact with the other guy that is not related to his child. Being that he doesn’t seem to care enough to want contact with the child and then there is absolutely no reason to even contact him. He only wants to contact you because you are the girl he sexed quickly. Sleazy guys always contact women they feel they can sex periodically just for that. If and only if you are able to permanently eliminate all contact from this guy outside of parental duties, then you need to come clean to your husband and explain the messages in a clear manner that doesn’t cover up anything. Let him know your intentions and where you stand. The fact that you haven’t seen the guy is a plus but how long would that have lasted? You need to block the other guy permanently after you only offer him to chance to see his child in the presence of you and your husband (only after speaking to your husband about this). I recommend professional intervention here and you should be the one to introduce it. This will show the seriousness in your trying to fix this. It isn’t hopeless but you need a lot of work here. Let honestly and communication lead this. Now that you know better, do better. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a jam that is not easy to figure out. My boyfriend is in prison, he went to prison for assault for defending me when some man was too touchy with me. I have been visiting him when I can, but he was sentenced to two years and my friends often remind me that I have needs and need to have an affair. I went out with the girls and met this guy in the local club, he is really fine and gave me a lot of attention and yes I slept with him just one time. The thing is that I found out three things, one is that I’m pregnant; the second is that he gave me herpes and the third is he knows my man. I’m fu*king screwed. My boyfriend comes home in two months and I’m two months pregnant and haven’t told him anything. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. I know he gave up a lot to defend me and I just hate what I did. Can this be saved? Please say yes. Thank you, Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This is a lot to digest for you I’m sure, although there is a lot of activity in your moment of cheating, you have to direct your attention on what is happening within you. You have a new life to feed and someone who demands more than a moment. Make sure you have your head straight for that. Then you have a health issue now and that needs your strict attention and you need to wear more responsibility for yourself. I know you want to be with your boyfriend upon his arrival but you need to come clean. Be realistic and ask yourself to reverse the role and without thinking selfishly for once, would you take him back if it was reversed? As you weigh that out, you need to be ready to be totally honest with him about this experience and your stupid friend’s suggestion to cheat on your man. Friends normally want what’s best for their friends, not just to have a partner to go out and sleep with men in clubs. That’s just plain stupid. Nonetheless, it is done and you have to focus on the now, come clean to him and express your heart. I have no idea what he will say but I’m sure he has been waiting about two years to hold you freely and it’s kind of sad that you may have removed that dream from him. The only way to make this work is to come clean and let your heart speak, let your soul guide you into his and allow him to express himself honestly. You made the decision for you; he needs to make it for him. Good luck and keep me posted.

PARK YOUR PRIDE OUTSIDE & LEAVE YOUR EGO AT THE DOOR

2011-01-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Why do men always act like they don’t need help or like they are the sh#t, even when they are down and out. What’s with this whole front like they can’t accept whatever their situation is? How can I get with a man when every time I do, the dude is talking about what he did or going to do? I dated this one guy that kept reliving his high school football days. Like I really want to hear about that. Is there are men out there that doesn’t hide behind their pride or lies? Thank you in advance. Confused Jane Doe

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused Jane Doe”,
I want to start out by saying all men are NOT this way. This may be the type of men you have dealt with and for some reason you attract but this is not the story of all men. Those men or rather, those males you deal with are in the more immature category and you have to ask yourself why they gravitate towards you in particular, while doing so, understand that there are some idiots out there that still believe in this gender separation and go for the Neanderthal way of thinking when it comes to male and female gender roles. One thing about men is that when a man mentions his triumphs, whether past or present, it’s for a reason. The same way it is said that women are more sensitive, at times a man likes his partner to pay attention to what he is saying and would like validation in that. If the roles were reversed and you were telling him something about someone close to you and he shut you down, you wouldn’t be the happiest. Maybe the pride is up because you kick the ego in the sack. This isn’t only about you when you are in a relationship and although I believe pride and ego should be left somewhere, they do exist. Maybe his way of opening communication is thru his most comforting accomplishments. What’s wrong with asking more about them and engaging in his interests for a moment? I’m pretty sure you aren’t always the most entertaining conversationalist or they wouldn’t be bringing these things up. Be fair and do not let the blame fall short of your lap. You play a role.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I feel like I have two boyfriends, one when his boys are there and one when his boys are not there. It’s like they carry his pride and ego with them and he tries to show out when they are around. I am fed up and annoyed and about to leave this situation. What do you think I should because this man has me at the point where I’m about to flip. Thanks. Suzie.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Suzie”,
First thing here is that your boyfriend carries the “boy” part of the title very well. That is something that should have died out after puberty, high school the most. With that being said, the problem exists and running away isn’t the answer if there is true emotion invested in this situation. What has to happen is that there has to be a coming of the minds (If possible with the man child). You have to sit him down and express your honest feelings and what this situation is doing to the relationship. Don’t ask him to be the floating poet around his boys because his relationship with them has probably been that way for years but you can firmly let it be known that you do not wish to accept less from him because they are in the area. He should be able to be his other side with his boys but can find a way to morph the two parts of him where it is healthy in all areas. It isn’t hard to do. He has to feel safe doing so and I’m sure you can assist in that department. Remind him how it hurts and how it frustrates you but you want him to be him all the time. You aren’t trying to change him but you just want a little consistency. In a very civil manner, I can see ground being made. Please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi There, I hope you're well; I acquired your email address at your site, and wondered if you may be able to help me. I'm a 43 year old woman; for the past 2 years I have been seeing a lovely gentleman. Sadly this gentleman is a paraplegic (we met after his injury). He has issues, and hang-ups about himself, which I feel are natural; however I love him, and have told him this. He seems to play what I call mind games, and feels the need to constantly test me. For example, he might send me a text message saying he "would like to leave things be", I go along with his request, and give him reassurance indirectly. Last week I called to wish him a happy new year. He pretended not to know who was calling (even though my no would have displayed on his phone), and he had often played this game I feel to hide his true feelings from me. I said hello and he said Hi, and hung up, I rang him back, and he answered me and then hung up again. I have tried to call him since, however it's as though he's ignoring my calls. I have not tried to contact him constantly, as feel that he has enough to deal with, as he does suffer mood swings and so forth. Please would you advise me on this, as I really do love him, and do not know where to turn to.
Thank you very much for your time, warmest wishes, Roxanne.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Roxanne”,
Sadly he is battling so many things within and I fear that he doesn’t realize the prize that stands before him. It isn’t easy to deal with the issues of esteem or the feeling of pride as if he has to make the call because of fear that you would not be permanent. In that situation, one is always questioning those around them and wondering where people truly lie and there are issues of feeling like a burden to add to that. He probably doesn’t see the full extent of his injected distance and that this time in his life he has a woman who loves him for him. I don’t know what his yesterday was like to make him inject this distance but I can only imagine. I do know that studies support that men have a harder recovery time with rejection and maybe this is his way of protecting self from being rejected again in his life. I think at this point you are going to have to lay all the cards on the table and impose your will one time. Sit beside him and tell him point blank in a caring, honest manner what it is you want in this situation and how much his distance hurts. You can not fall into the game he is playing. These games are usually played because he hasn’t the control in other areas of life and this is where he feels he has. You have to counter that with love, show him that you are real and not some fly by night moment. I tip my hat tip you and honor you and I’m sure when you put it all on the line, so will he. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Do men still deliberately ignore women if he really likes her as a ploy to try and get her to notice him? Because I swear this guy is doing that at work. Thanks. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Playing hard to get is so high school or junior high school. However, from you taking notice, I see it still works. Maybe he really has no interest and you have misled yourself because of your desire for him to want you or your expectation of him to be attracted to you, nonetheless, it does still exists and although it does I do not ever believe in childish antics to express self but to always communicate like adults effectively.

TIPS: Men aren’t the only ones with pride. Thinking it as a gender and stereotypically placing labels on it is the same as men assuming you shouldn’t work and just cook & clean. That’s very prehistoric and idiotic. When your partner is proud about a plan or a past accomplishment, remember that it’s not your moment so don’t be all petty and try to shut them down. Instead, compliment and support that. And try to remember that sometimes pride is mistaken for good old honest confidence. Good luck all.

PROBLEMS: SEX, MONEY & ALCOHOL

2010-12-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My girlfriend and I have been having ups and downs but I don’t think our problems should lead to cheating. She cheated on me saying I don’t spend enough time with her and I’m always tired, so I don’t have sex with her as much as she would like. What she doesn’t understand is that I am the only one working and I work extra shifts to take care of the household. She is saying she has needs and all this other nonsense that I really don’t want to hear. Should I walk away from this girl? Can people recover from cheating or should I just leave? I don’t deserve this, not the way I am working. I got my degree, I got my things together, I work hard, I drive and I don’t have problems with anyone. I love her but I keep getting from my boys to just bounce on her and not return. They say she needs me because she is unemployed and I should kick her out but I do love her. I am stuck, help me. Thank you Mr. Lover Man, “Confused Good Man”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused Good Man”,
Initially when someone finds out their partner is cheating, there comes this devastation within that just doesn’t seem to end. However, infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. In order for infidelities to cease all parties have to analyze their positions in this and this does not take away the irresponsible disgusting nature of her actions but all parties must do some fixing. In your particular case she definitely did NOT take into account how hard you work or care enough about how you felt. She does NOT have a legitimate excuse to cheat as none exists but her excuse is one of the weaker ones. You have made your case for a man who is a good catch but you need to solidify that by putting your self-value forward and either kick her out or make things work. Either way you need to be more than the roof over her head. Maybe she should get a job and see how much more tired she would be and how much more she would appreciate what it is you do. However, I don’t know that she would do so for this relationship because the type of person that usually cheats for such a lame excuse is the type that continuously cheats. In my opinion I think you should weigh out the good and bad of today and make the decision based on that. I always say that when the costs outweigh the rewards, it’s time to abandon that old investment and make a new investment. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a good looking woman and I really am not trying to come off conceited or arrogant but I am a very attractive woman. The reason I say that is because I cannot figure out why is it that the two or three times my boyfriend and I have sex in a week, he has had to have a drink. Is it something I am doing wrong? What is it with guys with sex and alcohol? Please shed some light on this situation. Thank you, “Sober Lady Needs Sober Loving”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sober Lady Needs Sober Loving”,
There could be a few reasons why this is taking place and before I enter into that, I want to explain a little about the correlation and misconceptions of alcohol and sex. For many years they have been almost synonymous in action in many cases. There is a short term affect with alcohol and sex that is almost a “dis”-inhibiting effect if you will. This allows the person to somewhat loosen up and feel more comfortable about sex. Of course this isn’t taking drunks into account, but I’m talking about in smaller amounts. There is also a loosening in conversation within sexual communication. There even has been studies that showed that people who taken certain drinks and was told there was a small amount of alcohol in it (Even though there were none) were more sexual than normal. This leads back to the reason why your boyfriend feels the need to get his drink on before engaging sexually. Maybe your beauty intimidates him or his sober performance pales in his mind to his performance with a little alcohol in his system. Whatever the case is, this can come to an end with little drama. First thing is that you have to talk to him effectively. Express your concern for you and him as a unit with him drinking. Find out if he has additional stressors he isn’t discussing that may lead to his drinking. Remind him of your support to him as a couple. Reassure him that the alcohol is not needed in any case when he is with you and you prefer him sober and then show him why you prefer him sober. Catch him by surprise and make it amazing. Remind him of how great it can be sober and then afterwards sweetly reiterate your position. The long term effects are horrible but in this case we don’t want to use that to try and scare him, that won’t work. Great communication is the key. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am in a relationship. My boyfriend works hard but he doesn’t make much money and it gets frustrating for me because I feel like we should have more. He is a faithful good man but I wish he would get a better job. Right now there is this guy who wants to do the world for me and wants to buy me things I want and it gets more tempting as the days go by. I like gifts and things but I don’t know what to do. I know my man is good but I feel like I should have more. This other guy has money and I know he will be able to buy the things I want. What should I do? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
I am almost tempted to call you a gold-digger in my best Kanye West impersonation but I’ll pass. Someone once said there is never enough money, with that being said, when you are showered with gifts, what happens next? You want cars and property? How about you get a job and earn these things yourself? Or is that degrading for you? You have a hard working man and for whatever reason that isn’t good enough for you and that’s ok, you are entitled to wanting more but you should take part in being more yourself before you talk about other people’s short comings. At least he is employed in the recession while you are seeking free gifts. You really need to evaluate the bigger picture, this man’s work ethic just may be rewarded with bigger things than even your gift wishing ways can fathom. You can sit him down and talk about the direction of the relationship honestly and on top of that add in your discontent with his work position but only do so if you have a solution that allows you to be of financial assistance and not just sideline gift wishing. Be a part of the solution and not run to another problem. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My boyfriend spends more time on his PS3 than he does on me and I am tired of it. I am two seconds from throwing it out the window and giving him a piece of my mind. What’s wrong with him? I want more sex but he is always having his fingers on the wrong buttons. He needs to grow up and look at this here and do something before I find someone who will. What should I do to get him to give me more attention? Advanced Thanks, “I’m More Than A Game”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “I’m More Than A Game”,
This unfortunately happens more than I would like to admit. Neglect is one of the leading causes of a failed relationship but can easily be thwarted with strong communication and a better plan of timing in your relationship. You have to express to him the neglect you feel and how much you miss the attention you once received from him. Express why you miss it and what it would mean to you to have it back. Do not put an either the game or me in his face because this conversation isn’t about challenging, it’s about repairing. He can have game time but it should never outweigh your time. Work out time where he can have game time but where it doesn’t affect the time you deserve. This isn’t something that should destroy your relationship if communicated well and honestly. Good luck and keep me posted.

MARRIAGE: REMEMBER YOUR VOWS?

2010-12-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I married have been for almost 22yrs and recently have fell in love with someone else....This other person I’ve known for 2 yrs but this last year we have become especially close...and wonderfully become intimate....I loved my friend even before sex and there was some hesitance beforehand. We are amazing as friends and even better as lovers...but it got too deep and I wanted more so they backed away and stopped the sex. We still remained friends although it was very difficult for me because I was in pure heat for this person....finally it got to where I couldn’t breath I wanted them so badly and the sex was back on and 10 times better than before. We go on vacation together...this person treats me better than anyone ever has...it was very easy for me to fall in love....They told me in the beginning they didn’t want to be the reason I ended my marriage and they aren’t totally...I’ve moved out into my own place and they haven’t even been to see me yet....the sex has stopped again without any rhyme or reason...but continues to treat me just as friends...if we spend any amount of time together they will take some days off from speaking or seeing me...call themselves stopping me from becoming too attached....also have let me know that they are sleeping with other people....everything about this relationship/friendship has totally been under their control....everything happens on their terms...never mine...I just adapt to what they want and have been ok with that. Just wanting to be with them...how do I not care for someone who clearly doesn’t truly care for me????....they tell me that they love me, but dont want to be in a relationship anyone right now....I’m dying here. “Sad In Atlanta”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sad In Atlanta”,
I think that you are searching for something new and you did not clearly take everything into account. This person you know for two years obviously is seeing you as you are, a married person having relations outside of their marriage. This isn’t the first of its kind but you made huge changes and are hoping for more than you are warranted. Of course the person hasn’t been to your new place yet, and that’s because you are no longer as thrilling as the married sneaking around person this other person entered the situation under. The constant pattern is this person backs away as you want more or displays/verbalizes your desire for more. These are red lights that should have had you re-evaluate the situation for what it truly is. The person said that there isn’t an interest in being in a relationship with anyone but I’m wondering if it’s just with you and this person is sparing your feelings somewhat. This is totally under their control for two reasons, one is because I’m very sure there is someone else this person is taking very serious and because this person doesn’t give you an equal value as this relationship was entered with you belonging with another and despite your initial attempt to fight it off; you gave in or initiated something you should never have. Now I don’t know if this being new after 22 years of marriage plays a factor in your head over heels love that this person is obviously not feeling in equality but the fact is this person isn’t what you thought as you weren’t to your married partner. You need to accept fact and not look for the fairy tale you assisted in misleading yourself to believe. You can’t turn off emotion in a second but the willingness to move forward holds people back more than actually moving forward. You need to stop holding on or trying to figure it out, the fact is that this will not blossom into anything and you need to be happy within yourself. Good luck and keep me posted.

Mr. Lover Man
In 2008, I lost a very good job and couldn't find work for a while; I eventually lost all self-worth, pride, etc. With that came a very bad attitude. Anyways, I am still currently married to the mother of my two kids, ages 3 and 2, but am separated. She says since Jan., but I was still in the house until July. The problems started in 2009 when I got busted for almost cheating on her, and by that, I mean the bf of the girl called my phone before any sexual activities occurred. Anyways, she lost all trust and respect for me. I found out that she was also cheating on me in late June, for approximately 2 months. Her and that guy broke up for a period of a few months, whereas she dated someone else, but now she is back with guy #1. Now, we have been in constant communication since July, and not always regarding the kids. She has even asked me to do various things for her that any Joe can do, and I have questioned that idea in my head numerous times. I have been told by my associates that when I get my things in order, i.e. job, apartment, and car, that she will flow towards me. Will I be a consolation prize or because we are still married, will it be reconciliation? Is there going to be reconciliation, or is she done with me. She has threatened divorce, over a month and a half ago, and told me to pick up all my things that remain at the house, but nothing has come out of that. She won't even let me have any pictures of us, i.e. wedding. What is going on here? Thank you in advance for your help. Lost and Confused

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost and Confused”,
There is a good chance that she just might come back to you when things are back in order for you, however, someone who isn’t willing to be by the side of their partner in marriage through good and bad times isn’t worth being with. As for her threats and lack of action in pertinence to you picking up your things, that could very well be in accordance with how well things are going with the next relationship she is in. Nonetheless, there is that issue of you cheating and almost engaging in sexual activity. That might have been something she isn’t over yet and could have catapulted her towards the relationships she has ventured into since. She needs time to release about her hurt other than finding new partners. I wonder if she was allowed to express how the betrayal and hurt felt without you trying to find excuses for your actions. These are things that are needed for healing. If you want things to be better than you have to be better and you have to come to her and put your cards on the table but only and I repeat ONLY after you allow her time and the opportunity to heal and express what’s within. Now there is no guarantees with results but I am very sure it will better than it is now. As for her asking you to do things anyone can do, don’t look too deep into that in hopes of finding something to hold onto. That’s a common misleading act people do. Look at facts and anything unclear, you ask for clarity. Try not to run with your hopes over facts. I know you wanted clarity as to where you would be a consolation prize or will it be reconciliation, and I hate to say it but without communication and healing, you are the consolation prize. You want it to be reconciliation and then honor her with opportunity to heal. Good luck and please keep me posted

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can my marriage survive after there has been cheating? I want to earn my trust back because I have cheated on my husband once and although we agreed to work on it, it doesn’t seem like he is his same loving self. What can I do? Thank you. “Fighting for His Love”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Fighting for His Love”,
In a situation where distrust has emerged, one must allow the other person to heal in their own timely fashion. I understand that you want things to go back to the good times before you went and spread elsewhere but this will not be fully under your terms. You must allow your partner appropriate time for a healing within because although you appear to have better intentions now than when you were cheating but that doesn’t eliminate the hurt you husband felt. Communicate effectively and display love as much as you feel it. Things may not be the same but do not chase yesterday, make tomorrow great. Your focus should be being better and no more cheating. You should show love and work on making trust solid. Allow your husband a good healing time and let him let it out if needed. Communication will walk you through it all. Good luck and keep me posted.

Mr. Lover Man,
I am wondering what happened with my marriage. We have been married five years and now it seems like we are just friends with benefits. I miss the romance, I miss the public displays of affection and I sometimes feel like just friends hanging out instead of husband and wife walking down the street. I want to do things but I don’t because I don’t want to be rejected by my own husband. What should I do? I miss the fire. Thanks, “Lady Bug”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lady Bug”,
Unfortunately some marriages slip as time passes and if not addressed early, this will spiral to a failed marriage. It is great that you see it early and you want to do something about it. I wonder if you’re financial situation worsened or has there been any other environmental or emotional factors that has maybe steered the attention from your husband. If this is the case then I think you should communicate and offer self as a partner with equal ability to assist. If that isn’t the case then express your concern but never in an accusatory manner but in the same loving concern you express here. Plan a romantic getaway that matches your finances, take a night to go out and learn more about each other, there is always something going on in people’s minds daily. If necessary take a night to romance him somewhere other than the bedroom, make a new spark and be spontaneous. Hug him in the middle of the street; confess your love like you never have. Remind him of what attracts you to him. Make him feel your love again, make love infectious and communicate through the entire way. Good luck and please keep me posted.

EX's: THE GOOD, THE BAD &THE STALKERISH

2010-12-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Why is life so difficult? Let me try to get this out. My ex and I were together for five years before we broke up. I cheated because I assumed he was cheating and I was wrong and I always regretted it. He was hurt and I was hurt when I thought he cheated so I guess I understand what he felt. I regret it and he was willing to be friends with me even though I broke his heart. I can’t say anything bad about him. He even used to leave me notes before work telling me he loved me and what I meant to him and I miss that. Two months after we broke up I got with my current boyfriend and we have been together two months but things are good, the problem is that my current boyfriend does not want me and my ex to be friends so I had to stop the friendship. I regret that too now and I wish I didn’t do that. Now my ex won’t talk to me as I am trying to be his friend on the low. Should I keep trying to be his friend? I can’t help but keep thinking about him and I miss him so much. Thanks from Isabelle.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Isabelle”,
So you are on a role with hurting this guy huh? Let me say that I wonder if you really take his feelings into account. He sounds like a nice guy and for some reason there is something about him you want around but I don’t think you deserve it. You ask if you should keep trying to be his friend. Heck No, you don’t deserve his friendship. It did not mean anything to you that you did not take a stand for it. Now to offer it in a secretive manner only re-enforces your sneaky cheating ways. Two things here you need to think about, the first is the relationship you are in is fairly young, and so if you start out with secrets and sneaking around, and it will only grow and breed more deception. The other thing to think about is how your ex must feel after five years for you to cheat on him. For him to accept your friendship only to have that trampled on with his heart again must not sit well and you have to think about that for once. Life isn’t that difficult, you have to be a better friend and very honest in your relationships. Good luck with everything. Keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My ex wants me back, I want him back but I can’t get over his cheating. How do I know if he changed? He says the right things and I want to believe him and every time I think I am ready, I can’t get over his constant cheating ways. Help!! Thank you. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
One thing about Ex’s that must be considered is why are they ex’s. That is something often forgotten when people start to feel lonely or feel as if that’s their only emotional connection or some other pathetic excuse to lead back to the ex. In this case you have to consider this; the only way one can forgive and forget is to conquer the situation within. He can NOT help you get over his cheating ways other than never cheating again. This comes from you. Can you accept that it has happened? Can you accept that you are gambling and no matter what he says, it is not in stone that he will never cheat again? What has he done to work on his cheating ways? We are creatures of habit. People that have sex with different people usually do not shut it off in a blink of an eye. Depending on his level of cheating, a cheater takes work to stop cheating. Can you happily and I mean HAPPILY invest into that? The only way to be happy moving forward is if you can accept what he has done and both work on moving forward slowly. Do not pick up from where you left off, because that didn’t end well. This is anew, express yourself clearly, communicate strongly and you need time to make sure you have healed. Good luck, please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have ex issues that just seem to come out every time I am about to date someone new. My ex girlfriend always finds a way to talk bad about me to the girl and then always end up saying “I know because I’m his ex” and it seems to work. It seems that I can’t move on because of her. What do I do? Thank you, Stuck In Time.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Stuck In Time”,
The unpopular case of the cursed Ex who can’t get over it. There always seems to be one out there that is more consumed with ruining you than enjoying them. This miserable, bitter creature is partially created by you but not your fault at all. Her entering your world unannounced and unwanted is NOT your fault and we need to start with that. You have to right to move on happily as she does. I can see why she is your ex. Nonetheless, there is things you can do, one you can forewarn others of her unannounced appearances, or you can try to keep you dates from within range from her until you and your date has established a more trusting ground and she learns you more for who you are by action than by your ex’s words. I’m not sure what state you are in but if this is considered stalking by law than you can consider legal action. I definitely would never stand for a miserable, bitter ex because I am more powerful in my world than that person ever could be. You need to see it that way and understand that your actions and your better preparation of this verbal assault can prevent this from occurring and if it does, you would have already established who you are and her corny, childish tactics would not be effective. She would hopefully fall back after failure and you can live your life worry free of the psycho ex. Good luck and keep me posted.

Well Mr. Lover Man,
Advise life is ruff, And nothing seems to get easier. What do you think if your ex wants you to help him and be in his life but there is no sexual relationship. There is bound but no commitment. He's older then I am has allot of responsibility and never has time to wine and dine me anymore.
Then you have a sexual relationship with someone for about a year and a half again no love no commitment and you wonder when and if you will get to that with this individual. My feeling grow strong his my age and has no kids the perfect candidate. But then Travels allot I know minimum about this individual but know that I have grown these feeling and try to keep then bottled up.
I meet people go out and nothing none of which I want. I feel that I am losing myself and will be alone and never feel warmth in my bed or have a man to hold. I know that there is no perfect man but where and how do I draw the line to move on and find my happiness. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Ok, there seems to be a lot going on that you are giving too much attention to. First thing, let’s look at the ex; I don’t see any reason for you both to even be in each others lives, especially if it hinders over helps. Why does he want you to help him and be in his life but doesn’t have time for you? I get the hint that either he cares just enough to tolerate you but benefits with your help or he doesn’t care enough to make time but knows you are easily swayed and will give in and help. Either way, this is NOT a good thing. Next let’s look at the sexual relationship you are having for about a year and a half and no commitment. You are investing feelings, whether expressed or not and you receive nothing you want other than a stiffing. Once again this is not a healthy situation. You can both put your cards on the table and communicate how you feel and what you want or you can understand you are being used as nothing more than a sex toy. There is no love for you there and nothing more than the one moment. You then mention meeting people and it appears to be some consolation prize for never winning what you want. The constant here is you, there has to be some inner digging to surface not just a more confident you but one which refuses to be used. The only way to draw the line is to understand the situation for what it is and not want it enough to take a stand against it. No one here seems to be going out their way to make you feel loved, NOT even you. Refuse to be used, take time to dissect you and understand what it is you truly want for you without users in your life. Good Luck, please keep me posted.

SEX: HIGH DRIVE, LOW RIDE

2010-11-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My sexual appetite is much higher than my boyfriends. What is it that I could do to increase his to match mine? I thought guys were supposed to be sexual all the time. Is it me or is it him? Thank you. “Horny Little Lady”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Horny Little Lady”,
The thing about sex drive is that there is most likely a reason for this and I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t like sex. Try to find out why is it low without mocking the situation. Don’t compare sex drives and do not make assumptions. Try to find out if he has stressors that are presently triggering unhappy feelings or worrisome thoughts. Work, money or medical issues lead reasons men tend to lose drive. Dieting helps too. Sometimes what one eats invades the drive and diminishes it, work through this with him. Change of diet, adding more fruits and vegetables, cutting down fried foods or fatty foods in general will help. Set more romantic settings at home or go out more. There is so much that can be done about this. The only way to get to that is to make sure you find out what, if any, is stressing him out. Another overlooked issue men have is when a woman is too demanding outside of the bed. Psychologically this alters his mood in the bed and often steers him away. How one treats their partner outside the bed can determine the bedroom activities. The only way to get a clear understanding on what’s going on is to care enough to communicate honestly and effectively. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi, I’m 16 always thinking about sex. Me and my boyfriend are trying to get it as much as we can. We even sneak breaks in school to do it. Is this bad because I’m so young? We use protection, but I’m wondering if this is something I need to look at because none of my friends are freaky like me. Is this normal? Should I try to stop a little bit? Thank you for answering. Young but Ready

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Young but Ready”
Normal is a word that isn’t really cut and dry. I will say that at 16, urges are natural. However, the level of which you act upon it is a little bit disturbing. I think that when it interferes with your education, you may need to consider this sexual relationship. I hope and wish that you are as involved with your future goals and education as you are with sex. Thinking about sex and wanting it doesn’t mean you have to have it all the time. Assess whether other aspects of your life is being compromised due to these sexual acts. If at any point your education is slipping, if your responsibilities are being shelved, if at any point your other relationships in life are being compromised than you should think twice and try to engage in other activities. One of the worst decisions one can make is thinking that they always have time to better their life. Take advantage of opportunities to solidify a greater future for yourself. Sex will be there, learn more about life. I can’t tell you to or not to have sex, that’s a decision you have made and are making, but I can suggest that you make smarter choices. Often we think the future is a guarantee. Make today count in other aspects of life. Begin to have conversations outside of sex and discuss the future. See if he has ambition, goals and a passion for life outside of sex. His presence can be of influence, try to alter his presence to push you towards greatness. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My girlfriend and I have a sexual issue. She is the making love type and I am the wild for night guy. There is a sexual struggle as one tries to take control and do what they like. How can we make this work? I want it more than she does how can I get her to step it up? Much obliged. The Wolf.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The Wolf”,
So many times people do not realize how much more they can accomplish with compromise than to try to compete. Your case is a perfect example of that. Instead of the constant struggle of which direction this sex act will go, how about attempting to incorporate both. Learn to make love that can later transform into wild passionate sex. Maybe the reason her drive isn’t where you wish could very well be because of your lack of willingness to either compromise or make love to her. Have you thought that maybe the way you make love does something for her that your hard wild sex doesn’t? That could be quite flattering as stereotypically men tend to be better at wild sex than making love. Communicate with her expressing what it is about the wild sex that does it for you and allow her every opportunity to express what it is about making love that drives her insane. This isn’t only about you nor is it only about her. The competition will run dry as frustration looms and could lead to other problems. Be willing to be giving and you will see better results. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m tired of the excuses my husband gives me. He is such a worry wart and all he focuses on is bills, money, bills and money. I am neglected sexually and with my dive this is long past frustration. He works too many hours and is tired. I’m thinking I’m going to need a job to have sex. He works, I don’t but now I’m thinking maybe I should get a job, and then I’ll be sexually active again. This is frustration at its highest. My friends suggest that I find a boy toy but I am not trying to go that route. How can I get sex more than once a week? Thank you, from “Anonymous”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
Your selfishness just might be a turn off. How about you consider your words and get a job to relieve your husband of some of those bills he is worrying about? I can’t believe that you as the unemployed partner have the audacity to complain about his money woes and his high concerns of bills. These are common stressors that affect sex life and a great way to prevent that is to actually alleviate the stress by financially helping out. I can imagine your frustration but I think you should consider what he is going through as the only financial provider. Your admission of his working too many hours is a clear sign that there could be more financial help. Marriage is unison, something you should consider when wanting more bedroom action. Talk through it with him. Be supportive; allow him to express his concern without any whining. As for your friends making the idiotic suggestion of cheating, that goes to show you what idiots you have for friends that they would actually have you risk your marriage. I definitely do NOT need friends like that. Sex solely should not determine the direction of a marriage but I do understand its importance. In order for you to get it more than once a week, you are going to have to openly communicate with him and consider relieving him of his financial situation. Good luck and please keep me posted.

CHANGING YOUR ROLE

2010-11-22T18:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I Have so many questions need some advice please help me! I’m 29 yrs old and I have been married for 11 yrs to a man that has been controlling my every decision and choices that I make to him taking over the money situation and giving me a allowance that he feels that I need so one day he piss me off I got on twitter cause I heard about and I really didn't pay it no attention but then I notice my phone would allow me to twitter away from home so I did that and people started to follow me and I started to really get into it but now its like he gets upset that am on my phone and he cuts it off from time to time when he feels am not giving him the attention he wants. What i need to know is am I wrong for not allowing him to search through my phone? Am I wrong for locking it so that he can't do it when am away from it? Am I wrong for being on twitter to much? Even though it's something that I have that the kids can't take from me or him. Am I wrong for not putting him on my twitter acct. so he can monitor who I talk to and what I say like he was before and that's the reason I took him off. I just need to have something for myself I feel that I have given him all of me and now I want something for me and he can't stand it he says am ruining the marriage and am starting to feel that he just says that to make me feel bad b/c am not doing what he wants anymore and that he can't control this situation please help me. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
First thing, I want to tell you that you are concerned about the wrong things here. The biggest concern is being in a relationship that doesn’t have a partnership. How does a grown adult give another adult an allowance and control your every move? This is inhumane and isn’t the recipe for a relationship, it’s the exact brew of a dictatorship. His concern of your twitter isn’t really about you but about his control over you. His insecure weaker side needs to have full control to compensate for his life short comings or his life long built insecurities which could have festered from childhood. Nonetheless, this is not a healthy relationship and one that needs professional help or an exit from you. I will however, address your questions, NO, you are not wrong for not allowing him to check your phone, this is a childish thing from him, especially that he controls your every move (which is disturbing and disgusting). There is nothing wrong with being on a social media/networking site. It doesn’t appear that you are engaging in malicious acts of any sort. In every relationship, being you is important. Having control of self is integral in life and not just in a relationship. You are not ruining a marriage that is already ruined. The notion of this even being called a marriage seems only by law and not by heart. Firmly express your feelings and suggest professional intervention. If he wants this marriage to work, he is going to have to make changes and so are you. You have a say-so in the role you are placed in. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can you give a man’s opinion on what these are because me and my girls are always arguing over this. What is a wifey to you? What’s a friend with benefits and what is a jump off or side chick? We ladies have our take, so what’s yours? , Sincerely “Real Working Wives In NY”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Real Working Wives In NY”,
That’s an interesting question; I can give a quick break down of what I think each one is. However, I do not in any fashion agree to any position other than the “Wifey”. With that said, the first one, the only one of serious importance is the “Wifey”, she is the one that holds the mental, emotional and physical place of her man. She is the partner he honors and respects, the one woman that he truly desires from his soul. She is definitely the number one and with a good man, she is the one and only. The Ebonics term derives from wife and it is because this is the broke man’s “wife”, the one he considers his unofficial wife. In many cases (not all) this is who the man would marry had he been in a better situation. Sometimes this term is used loosely and it takes from the value, of course that’s another blog post all together.

As for “Friends with Benefits” this is the person he feels he can call you anytime, day or night with his problems, talk to laugh with hang out with and if need be fuck. This person is his friend first before the sex. This fuck buddy will most likely only know his good side because he really wants to keep your friendship. Since, you never get along with other females anyway; he is your best friend. You never have to worry about the relationship drama ruining your friendship with him and the platonic intimacy factor somehow makes the sex bananas but wait............. Every now and then jealousy kicks in and you wish you were with him. Statistically, the relationship never works out because you never knew anything significant about each other.... sorry but that’s the truth.

Now for the record the “Side Chick” and “Jump Off” are two different roles. “The Side Chick” is never number one, she is plan b, she is the spare wheel and she is there for no serious reason and serves minimal purpose. Should anything happen to wifey, you are next in line (not really like that) 97% of the time you never become his wifey because you lack something he felt is essential for the home base. Maybe he thinks you are dumb, can’t manage money, or his insecure ass cant control you like a lot pigs try to do. Whatever the case you will not be wifey but you do have a certain X factor that he is lacking with his wifey, you get enough of him to keep you satisfied for now, and you don’t have to put up with all the domestics. In very few cases you are treated better than wifey since you might be a little bit younger or prettier than her and are viewed as nothing more than his trophy. But wait......... No matter how you try to make excuses, you are still getting sloppy seconds and empty promises. He will not leave his wife for you. PERIOD!!! If he hasn’t left yet, NEWSFLASH: he won’t.

As for the most despicable of all “The Jump Off”, this is miss no strings attached. This female does not have the right to know anything about him or to ever feel as if cuddling, conversation or a meal comes with the package. However, some men are generous to their little jump offs. You have no rights to his money or to impose on his family life. Harsh reality, he doesn’t give a rat's ass about you and you are the most easily replaced person in his life. Generally speaking, if a man has one of these, he has more than one of these. But wait....... He doesn’t really want to know your name or age but asks anyway, and you probably do not know his real name and age.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m tired of my boyfriend always invading my email, reading my texts and telling me what to do every day. I don’t want to lose him because I love him but I’m tired of him running my life. And let me just tell you that nowadays that even with sex he just seems to be concerned with his release. What can I do to stop this? Thank you. “Irritated and Frustrated”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Irritated and Frustrated”,
Communication, communication, communication!! I can not stress this enough. This is where you must evaluate how much you really want things to be better in your relationship. I do not think the day you met him that he was into your email and texts and what gets me is why you allowed it in the first place. I understand that there are situations where both parties have that access and that works for them but this clearly is not that situation. This seems like a case of insecure male strikes again. The fact that he needs control over your every move is because he has been hurt and hasn’t let go and moved on in a healthy fashion and now he is with you and you are the recipient of his idiocy. There is never a justification for one partner being so controlling. You must address how you feel without being as aggressive to push him into a competitive argument. That will only fuel his insecurity and he will continue to be this person you do not want. You must be honest with your feelings and express how this makes you feel, give alternative suggestions to ease his insecurity issues and even offer to do couples therapy. As for the sexual selfishness, express your desires, likes and dislikes, take control in the bed. Impose your will at times and little by little incorporate your style. This with communication will enhance what’s lacking at this present time. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible to actually feel like less than a man? I anonymously ask this because I can’t win at home. My wife wants to always watch her programs and it is driving me insane, especially on football Sunday. I want to make her happy but I need to get some things back here. I don’t want to be mean or aggressive because I respect her as a woman but come on man, this is just insane. What should I do? Thank you. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The reason this exists is because you allow it to. It is not about being mean or aggressive but about expressing your feelings and wanting a fairer household. Somewhere down the line as this began you chose to step aside and let this happen. Lesson learned I hope. In any situation if you are not happy, address it and do not let it grow before it gets so far out that it’s hard to reverse or to impose fairness. This isn’t about feeling like a man, this is about your feelings as a human. You are an adult and you need to be firm, fair, open-minded and understanding. Make the suggestion of alternating days and times, get DVR or some form of cable networking that allows you to record shows and try to get involved with the same shows (both of you, not just you). Express your awareness that this must be something she really likes but there are ways you both can get your television time. This has to be a partnership, something this small can lead to other avenues in the relationship and it could get much worse. Communicate honestly. Good luck and please keep me posted.

TRUST OR BUST

2010-11-11T20:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I’m having a serious problem here that I’m counting on you to shed some light on. Me and my girlfriend both read you blog and debate about a lot. Never thought I would be asking you something but I really need to get this to you because you answer straight up and we enjoy this blog. Here it goes, my girlfriend’s best friend is pregnant and that’s nice for her, but she has fed into my girlfriends head that we should have a baby so they can grow up as best friends. I’m opposed to this because it’s our life and future family, not her best friends. My girlfriend is thinking this would be great but I don’t. What also irks me is how my girlfriend acts when her friend is around. It’s like I don’t even know her. She starts acting like her friend. It is annoying and I don’t know how to go about bringing this up. My girlfriend and I had agreed that we wouldn’t have kids until we graduated and began our careers and now all of a sudden her fiend has her wanting babies. It takes money and huge responsibility. I work and go to college and she goes to college. I don’t even trust her to have sex without a condom anymore. She says she will get pregnant one way or another. Her birth control pill case is up to date but she doesn’t know I saw the pills in the garbage. How can I trust her wit her friend corrupting our relationship? This needs to be settled. We both will be waiting your answer. Thank you for taking time for this. Bill & Jill (not our real names).

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Bill & Jill,
This sounds like some pathetic MTV special about some silly pregnancy pact. With that being said, pregnancy isn’t like playing dolls. There is a lot to go with that, it alters your entire life and although there is a great joy to it, there is a great responsibility that isn’t about playing house. There is no playing when it comes to a life that will have to be the number one priority. The two ladies in question here don’t appear to be thinking this clear enough outside of their silly little “kids as best friends” silliness. When planning a child, there takes more than planning out your child’s future best friend. That’s just absurd, there is much, much more to consider here. Stick to what is best for you both as a unit (minus the meddling friend) and consider what’s best for this future child. As for your girlfriend acting different when her friend is around, there are always reasons for this. One could possibly be that your girlfriend admires her friend and doesn’t see them as equals but maybe sees herself as a slight inferior so she acts like her friend to make up for what she feels is lacking in her attitude and personality. This is not uncommon; it’s corny but not uncommon. In this situation you must establish communication about how you feel. Listen to her feelings as well, maybe something in her conversations with her fiend sparked something else that makes her fell ready. If it is for the reason of having your child’s ready made best friend, then I say that’s childish. Talk this through, weigh the pros and cons. You must come to a decision that has absolutely nothing to do with her meddling friend. This is your child, this is your girlfriend’s child and at best this is only the best friend’s godchild. There is more importance in yours and your girlfriend’s roles here. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
What is it with guys? Why can’t they make up their minds and get serious? I’m so done with them. The last 3 guys I dealt with all acted different right after we had sex like if they had a plan to just have sex. They pretend to be one way and then as soon as you open your legs they act all distant like they don’t want to be involved anymore. This has been a stressful month for me and I am about to just do me and say forget this trying to take these guys serious. Answer this question for me please, why do men need to pretend to get sex? Don’t they know that being real gets you more? Three guys this month and they all acted the same way. Is that a coincidence or am I right that men have issues? Thanks. No Name

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “No Name”,
Are you aware that this month only has 11 days in it s far? You are already 3 guys in and expected what? I’m not excusing these guys’ behaviors if at some point they purposely led you to believe that they wanted more and lied. That’s never right and never acceptable. I’m just wondering, in this short time how could they all three independently fed you some strong lies that enabled you to open up your legs to them and expect a relationship from any of them? You are averaging 3.6 days with each one. Do you not see that you play a role here? You play the biggest role in these situations. These guys obviously see something about you that is willing to open legs so fast wit you averaging 3.6 days with them. You really need to re-evaluate yourself before you place blame anywhere else. Evaluate the men you attract and what you are giving up in order to try to “keep” them. This is not only foolish but dangerous as STD’s are everywhere. I am very sure that neither of you has gave it up this quick for the first time this month. Enhance and surface your self respect. Take time to learn your partner before you try to self negotiate your body for a promise that couldn’t possibly be believable in 3.6 days. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a 2 yr relationship I also have a 5month old baby with this man and he recently lost his business and he hit rock bottom stared coming home at 5 in the morning drinking more and hanging out with a girl he used to fuck she worked right next door to her and his best friend was after her good friend so he told me he wanted to be alone "space" and I told him he can have space living else so I packed his shit up and kicked him out. But every night he came to sleep at my place Y did I allow that? After giving him back the keys to my house after a week him out I find out he was kissing the girl next door and hanging a lot with her and that’s because he told me. I forgave him and now I feel like huge asshole because a big part of y I forgave him was because of my baby. Do u think it was that serious or should say FUCK U AND GET TO THE STEPPIN HOMEBOY LOL?
Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
One thing that strikes me here is that if he started hanging out with a girl he used to sex, then shun you to have his “alone time” and you found out he kissed her, what makes you think more didn’t happen? They were already sexually active in the past and he made a decision to push you back for her for whatever period of time and I’m wondering was there more you do not know about. Of course that is not something you can give great focus to but the notion that he cheated with a kiss alone is one too many. Another thing that bothered me in your post is that he has been coming home 5 in the morning hanging out with her. I can understand his position of losing his business and probably feeling unhappy about that but there is not ever, not in one iota a good excuse to cheat. If your main reason for taking him back was for the baby, then ultimately your unsettled feeling about your decision will continue to haunt you and you will have to face it. You need to assess how you truly feel about his betrayal and if you feel that you are comfortable accepting it, if you truly feel that he will never do so again, if you can come to terms with the deception and can find a way to believe this is more than about sharing a child, then and only then will this be a successful relationship. If any of those aren’t met in some form or fashion, there is a good chance that this will come up again and be an ongoing issue that can lead to the ultimate demise of your relationship. You asked me if it is that serious, well for the record, cheating is always serious. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Where do I start?! I'm a divorced mother of two and I'm a workaholic. After my divorce I devoted myself to my children first and my career second. Personally I feel that I have done a great job with both. For a very long time I was not dating and would write people off, I always felt that when the right one came I'd feel it (although friends often said I wouldn't let men close enough to even consider...). Well very early in the year I met someone and we hit it off. I was very clear as to what I was looking for and what I expected. This was even before the first date and WAY before the sex! We developed a great friendship which then turned into a relationship. Before we were intimate I made sure we had the talk as to where this was headed what he wanted and vice versa. In my mind we were on the same page. Months later he met my children, was in my home EVERY NIGHT either just spending time, eating dinner or spending the night. Weeks after that I became pregnant and he was excited. We spoke of getting a bigger place and future plans. I had met family members, close friends. Recently I got a call, from a woman that stated that she has been in a long-term relationship and also the mother of his child! She stated that they lived together! And that I was not the first one she has discovered over the years. I was blindsided! I confronted him and told him that I was not one to break up any home nor was I going to continue what we had. I told him that as a God fearing woman I was not going to terminate and I expected him to help with the child when the time came.
From that one conversation 2 months ago he never called again. I have not looked for him either. The man that I thought I knew was completely fabricated! I've retraced my steps and no, no clue! There wasn't a place that I didn't suggest that he'd say no to. Even the place I though he lived at, this relative was in on it! I'm keeping my faith in God, knowing that he is looking down on me and my children. I do get scared and I do shake it off. I don't know what type of advice you can give or even insight. I guess I just want a man's perspective...
Thank you, Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
I want to commend you for handling your business as a good mother and putting your children first. The situation you found yourself is unfortunate and one time is too many to know this exists. There will always be a pathetic excuse for a male/female. In this case this guy was not only pathetic but a true piece of trash. This was a guy who focused so much energy on misleading that he became better at it than many. His being able to show up at any point you suggested was because he probably has a stronghold on his relationship which shows as his girlfriend said, this isn’t the first time. She remains because she feels less worth than someone with more sense. He was able to see you any night, not because you are an easy mark but because his girlfriend doesn’t question his every night romps all over town. His family probably knows his ways and supports him because he is family, even if they do not support his ways. When things appear to go right we tend to not pay attention to signs that were probably shown. I’m very sure there was a sign because there is no flawless cheater. One who lives a lie always is battling the truth and as you see, the truth won ultimately as he was once again exposed. I know you didn’t ask a question and just want my perspective, the thing is I can go on and on about him being a piece of trash but that doesn’t change what took place. I notice that you mention he was at your place every night and that he would meet any place you wanted but I’m wondering about the place he lived with this alleged family member. There had to be a sign or an inkling that suggested this was false. I wonder the hours you would be at that place. I’m sure you couldn’t just show up and that is something that would have bothered me and I would have addressed. When planned to go to his place (if more than once) I would have assumed something would have showed. I wonder if after your hiatus from dating that this appeared so well that maybe you ignored that because you feared this not being what it appeared to be. Nonetheless, do not beat yourself up over this. You entered this honestly and now there is another life coming from it, you need to once again shift your focus on a new life and I’m sure once again you will succeed. He may not be there physically but make the bastard pay financially. I do wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.

MARRIAGE: TO BE OR NOT TO BE

2010-11-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My story is a little different. I’m not just a stupid girl in love with a married man. I met him the on first day of January this year. And I knew he was the one. I grew up in the USA. He grew up in India. I’m a doctor now, and he's a successful businessman, who never even completed school. If opposites attract like magnets, here’s a wonderful example. We met each other through a common friend. We had a wonderful day together, and that evening, he told me he was married and has a 2 yr old son. I don’t know why, but a girl like me who would have normally kicked him in a second, held on to him. At first, I tried to ignore the fact. Then it started bothering me. We really love each other, or maybe I should say he loves me more than I do. I know you might not believe this, but it’s true. I have sensed it many times. He really cares for me. Many of his friends and family members have come to know about us. Even his wife knows now. I introduced him to my parents as a good friend.
He wants to marry me. I want to marry him... But I cannot marry a married man. I am the only daughter of my parents. I can’t lie to them. I told him to divorce his wife, but he said he cannot leave her now. She has done a lot for him in his bad time and he cannot break those promises he gave her of a better future. (Finally a man, who respects women, is trustworthy and honest... but none of this is helping in my favor). If u solve this, you are great. I can’t live with him, and I can’t live without him. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation really isn’t clear. You make it seem almost perfect except for the fact that it is not. I want to dive right into this. You say his wife knows about you both, if that is a fact (which I am having a hard time believing) then a divorce would not be an issue with him assisting her in having a better future. He can fulfill that promise as a friend if he is really this “man who respects women, is trustworthy and honest”. This doesn’t seem to be the case because he doesn’t seem to be as willing to marry you as you are to marry him. You say you are not some “stupid girl in love with a married man” and I’m not saying you are but then what do you call it? You knew he was married and held on? There is a lot here to be said about a man who engages with a woman outside his marriage and then when its time to move forward with this woman, the excuse about a promise comes up to stop that and you praise him for sticking to that promise? What about his promise to be faithful to his wife? What about his promise to be there for HER through thick and thin, better or worse? You may not be some stupid girl in love with a married man but you sure are gullible. You claim to have sensed he loves you more than you love him but you both love each other, I dare to say, he is a better actor than you and you are misleading yourself to think this. I’m sure his real wife thinks he is also this wonderful, respectful, trustworthy & honest man because she isn’t some stupid girl married to a cheating, lying, disrespectful & untrustworthy husband but maybe a little gullible. You need to sit down with him and his wife, since she “knows about you both” and since it is so clear and accepting and get answers. Of course if he opposes this, then no she does not know about you both and no he is never leaving her for you. A trustworthy, honest & respectful man does NOT cheat. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a LONG term relationship (on year #15). We have never married, as we basically have been thru the storm and back again, growing from teens into adults along the way. I will be honest; there has been infidelity in the past, on both parts. Mine as a result of feeling unloved/unappreciated from his wandering ways...not right at all, but I was young and ignorant at the time. I want to stress to you that the past issues have completely disappeared and the relationship has made a 360 for the best. We share 2 children in common and live a great family life these days. We don't go out to clubs, hang out with single friends & we are now focused on our children and each other. To my knowledge, there has been no cheating by either party in the last 5 years. My question to you is, how do I handle the insecurities that I have with my mate? He obviously has proven in the past just "what" he is capable of. Sometimes when at work and I get no answer, I automatically begin to think the worst-who's he with, what's he doing, even though I know he may not be up to anything...I try to keep my focus on the positive, but lately the past has been haunting my mind. Is it possible for a man who once messed up so bad to change and never return to his original state? There are times when he acts differently, not old traits but similarities. Even though any cheating would have to be done on working hours or to & from work, I know it is not impossible. Am I wrong for allowing my mind to wander like this? I don't wish to share this with him because I know everyone wants to be "trusted", but I cannot keep stressing myself out like this. Some things are just not worth the stress. How do you control your mind to think more optimistically or more positive? Do you think this could be my subconscious wondering about life since I have always been so committed my adult life? I just cannot figure it all out- I really could use some guidance.
Signed, Lost in my own Mind

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost in my own Mind”,
There is something here that can attribute to your feeling this way. One is you have made the excuse acceptable for your cheating ways and you haven’t made so for his. You said your excuse (and all excuses are lame) were you feeling unloved & unappreciated, yet you haven’t included his. He may have only done so for the same exact reason. Knowing the reason doesn’t make it right but if it can dismiss the possibility of you cheating today maybe in your mind it can his. Another thing you must consider is communication, if this is really eating you up inside and you say you can’t stress yourself out over this then you must keep the option on the table to talk to him. Yes everyone in some form or fashion wishes to be trusted but you aren’t so trusting and you have the right to clear the air. Approach the situation in a concerning way not in an accusatory manner. Remind him of how happy you are for the positive changes you both have made but that something is eating you up and you are not accusing him but just want to talk. It is possible that he would never cheat, the same possibility lies with you. You both have cheated, no matter the excuse and you need to ask yourself, “Will I cheat again?” That is your answer if people can change. Please know that you have the right to address this. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man.
I just discovered your site and wanted to ask your opinion on a problem I have been having throughout my relationship with my husband. My husband has a serious addiction to masturbation where he has replaced having a normal sexual relationship with me and masturbating once, sometimes twice a day. I have known this from the beginning but made tons of excuses and expecting for it to magically disappear if only I did something right. We weren't really compatible but my husband claimed he was just stressed from work and things would be different...then it became grad school stress, then marriage, moving in and pregnancies. Whenever I suggested we spend time together I was called selfish and immature. Initiated sex and told I was too aggressive. Eventually I withdrew, became resentful and stopped initiating and lost interest in my husband. Last year I had a three month affair and while I know it was a complete mistake, it made me aware of how miserable I am. My husband and I are still together (not in reconciliation and probably never will and live in limbo until someone gets fed up and leaves) but the situation is utterly dismal. He still continues to masturbate daily and the last time we had sex was a year ago. How am I supposed to deal with this situation aside from divorce? Am I being selfish (as my husband likes to think) for expecting any form of intimacy in my life? Thanks for your time and look forward to hearing from you!
JadedWife

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “JadedWife”,
Being in a marriage isn’t like dating. There are vows and commitments from both parties that should be considered daily. A successful marriage gives reason to continuously fall in love and that starts with communication amongst other avenues a marriage warrants. One lesson leaned here is that if you see a problem early on then you must address it because not addressing it gives an unspoken permission for it to continue or grow into something worse. You said you knew he had this issue from the beginning and you made excuses for it, well now you have had an affair and you say it was a mistake but I often wonder with people that cheat, why not just be a better communicator with the person you love than opening your legs to someone who will just sex you and never love you for who you are? At this point if you want to make this work you may want to consider professional intervention, if you don’t then be the mature adult and say so. Be the adult that should say “I’m not happy and this will never work” and work out a civil way of going your separate ways. As for you expecting any type of intimacy at this point, I think you need to re-evaluate the entire situation. You are guilty of breaking what in many instances are sacred vows, he has been guilty of his disconnection and sexual masturbation from day one and you never addressed it, you publicly accepted it and privately wasn’t happy. When you accept it, he thinks its ok, then all of a sudden, many moons later you have a problem with what was perceived to be normal and he thinks you are selfish. That isn’t right but it is because he thought it was ok because you lacked the will to address honestly how you felt. What happens next depends on how much you want this marriage to work or how much you do not want it to work. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Mr. Lover Man,
I have been confused for a long time to why me and my husband sex life is not good anymore, and he blames it all on me that I don't try different things but he doesn't either and the only thing that he considers different is oral sex in which I am game but I am not good at it but I do try. But it is still pleasurable to me not unless am on top and that isn't a vaginal orgasm it's a clitoris one.
I have been getting advances from others guys which turn me on and I don't want to leave my husband for them I just want to be able to enjoy sex as well and I don't know if am thinking the wrong thing or I just need to work harder at my sex life with my husband so confused.
Janet

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Janet,
There seems to be a lack of effective communication as well as serious attempts to enhance the sexual world you both share and this is on both parties control. I think that you guys need to talk about desires, fantasies and what it is that you both like and work from there. Don’t focus on what you don’t like as much as what you both do like. You may need to work harder on your sex life but so does your husband. Communication is your missing element instead of blaming each other. The common thing is that you both can do more but you won’t know what to do unless you both convey this message. Sit down in a civil manner and express your heart, always praise the good and not only throw the bad at him and it will lead him to do the same. Good luck, please keep me posted.

WHEN SEX ISNT SEXY

2010-10-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I always read your postings and I feel like you are the only one that can help me with this. Here it is, my girlfriend was nagging me that she wanted a threesome with me her and another guy. After months, I gave in and decided that I loved her enough to make her happy and give her that fantasy of hers. The problem is that now I feel slightly disgusted with her. I see this over and over how easily she was sexing this guy and how she did everything we do and how she just submitted to him. I don’t feel sexually attracted the same and I do love her but I’m not sexually attracted anymore. What should I do? Thanks ahead of time “Love with no loving”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Love with no loving”,
I wonder if you thought this out clearly before you engaged in this threesome. If this was her sexual fantasy, did you think she wasn’t going to be sexual? I’m sorry to hear that you feel the way you do but many times we don’t think clearly about the things we agree to. You did your girlfriend a gift in making this threesome possible, there is something good in knowing you did that but the concern is the direction of the relationship. With your lack of sexual participation or attraction, this relationship will slowly decline. Does she know how you feel? You must address this issue. You have to be clear and not demeaning. Remember that you also engaged in this act. After expression, I think you should consider professional relationship counseling because sometimes just expressing yourself won’t be so “healing” immediately. You do love her and don’t lose focus on that, do not allow one act to mask the love. Express that this could not happen again because of how you feel, also inject your fantasy. Make this about you both. Do not abandon love for jealousy or uncomfort. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My relationship has gone from juicy wet to desert dry. I’m not a nag because I know we both work different hours. But we have sex maybe once every week and it’s so quick and not passionate at all. I’m feeling like a quickie and I need more. What can I do about this? We both sleep at different times and when he is off, I’m working and vice versa. We need the money but I need the honey. Talk to me Mr. Lover Man. Thank you “Honey Needed”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Honey Needed”,
Time management is key in this situation. You guys are going to have to sacrifice long sleeps for shorter naps one day a week and in-between that time you can truly tire each other out. There is always time for each other; you just have to alter the comfort schedule. The football games, the night shows, whatever it is that you do in free time has to be sacrificed in order for you both to feel the passion resurfaced. Grab him as he walks in from work. You know what time he gets in, make sure you are up and ready, pin him to the wall and service his body. Kiss him over, touch him how he once loved it. Bring him to life and resurface that passion and make that desert a lake. During intercourse express your approval, tell him how much you miss and need this. Express how much you love to please him, take over and then submit, rock his world and then give him the energy to rock yours. Slowly but surely this will come back if you truly want it. You guys sacrifice for money, now sacrifice for that honey. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
This took me about two weeks to send you this. I am embarrassed about this but I need to get your advice. I have been having problems maintaining an erection. I don’t know what it is. My mind wants sex but my penis isn’t responding. I’m about to get some Viagra off the market, what do you think about that? I have a very understanding wife and she really tries to do anything to help. I please her other ways but I’m not ignorant, we discuss what’s missing. How can I get it back or should I get Viagra? Thank you from “Once Upon A Time”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Once Upon A Time”,
I do want to commend your wife for her loving patience and you must honor her always. However, I don’t doubt your devotion to her. In this society it does take a lot to converse about this let alone admit this is a problem. I’m glad that you did come forward and mention it. It’s the first step to fixing this problem. You should know that one in ten men have erectile dysfunction. 30 million men right now have that issue. You are not alone. Often men camouflage it or refuse to discuss it and kind of just hope it goes away. This adds stress and depression which is reported to be some causes of it initially. There are ways to try and fix this naturally without Viagra. Discuss this plan with your wife; give yourself about 3 weeks of a new diet and exercise. You must maintain a healthy weight. Being overweight, not even being obese, but being overweight can cause it. Neurological damages, arterial damages, and other medical issues can lead to it. Cut out fried foods, inject more fruits and vegetables. A Mediterranean diet is scientifically linked to lessen erectile dysfunction. If you are a smoker, quit today. Yes QUIT! Smokers have a higher chance of erectile dysfunction. Drinking alcohol can add to it. Either drink in slight moderation or cancel it in total. This is your investment for a greater sex life. Not to mention the mental boost you need to tackle your sex life. Follow a healthy diet and join a gym, make it your business to understand that better living health wise will give you the sex drive you either once had or something out of this world that you never had. Remain focused on the goal. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have this concern and I don’t know if I’m over reacting but my boyfriend spends too much time online on porn sites or phone sex texting. I always try to tell him how uncomfortable this makes me feel, is this cheating? He says it isn’t but I don’t get why he has to turn to those things. He says it keeps him creative and gives him ideas for us but I don’t feel like any thing has changed. I’m not getting any benefits. Can you tell me if this is healthy that he does this? And can you say if it is cheating. Thank you.. Not Sure

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Sure”,
There are two things going on here, the watching porn can be an issue. However, here are some things to consider, studies show that roughly 15% of about 60 million Americans who log on every day enter a porn site. In psychological studies the problem seems to arise when the individual spends at least 11 hours a week. There becomes a need for this cyber sex or porn sites to inject arousal in ones relationship and that’s not good. Porn can be used to assist or have fun with but when it becomes an addiction, distress follows. The need grows and it can take from his desire of you. This should be addressed in a concerned manner. Express how this makes you feel. Do not approach it in an accusatory manner but in concern. As for whether or not phone text sex and cyber sex is cheating, that’s up to you guys. Some relationships agree to not allow it. I know some that has and they have not issues with it. I think there is something wrong with it and it would be good if he was sex texting you but another person? That concerns me. In your case you are expressing to me a clear case of concern and this is what should be addressed. Do not accept it if you do not like it. One must consider both feelings and you need to feel comfortable in yours and your partner’s sexual world. Right now this isn’t happening and unless addressed accordingly, problems will continue to grow. Take time to relearn each others sexual desires. Take time to dig deep and try to learn something new about self and your partner. Overall you must put your foot down, if you can come to a common ground that’s healthy then that’s ok. If you can’t, then you must make serious decisions. Good luck and please keep me posted.

WHEN ITS OVER, ITS OVER..

2010-10-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I always wondered if you break up with someone, should you still try to be their friend? My ex girlfriend wants to be friends but then she is always brings up her broken heart or tries to use sex as a tool to resurface what is dead to me. Maybe I shouldn’t be having the sex with her but she gives it up easily so I just do it. I see this “friends” idea she has is a bad one. Should I keep trying to be her friend? Thanks “Friends”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Friends”
You really are a piece of work; often men like you never cease to amaze me with your rationale with sex. So basic and immature to have sex with her knowing she is emotionally involved, only to immediately cut her off. Your ex girlfriend is having a hard time detaching and shouldn’t be using sex as a tool to keep you guys together because that is just plain stupid. What’s equally stupid is the notion that it is ok to engage in this activity knowing she is hurt and acting desperate. Why don’t you honestly tell her what you feel? Tell her you guys shouldn’t be partaking in any sexual activities and that friendship this soon would not be best until there is a mutual detachment that would make a healthy friendship possible. Many couples try friendships because one party usually can’t detach and desperately needs some form of contact and the other feels sorry and goes along with it. This is not a friendship, it is a pity case. You need to finally step your maturity up and do the right thing by nipping this pity cry in the butt and give her time to heal. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
So I have been dating this guy for a few months and things between us were great. Great conversations, great sex life and we have tons of fun together. He asked me to be exclusive with him which I agreed to be and I couldn't have been happier.
A week after asking me to be exclusive things changed, he doesn't call anymore, I haven't seen him in a month and he keeps making excuses every time I try to visit him. I have texted and emailed him trying to find out what's going on but no straight answers. He keeps saying he is super busy and just don't have the time. He doesn't initiate any communication with me and of course I feel like a fool calling him and texting him to find out what's going on. Why do guys pull this disappearing act? And why can't they be up front with you so you know what's going on and if you should move on.
Should I just assume that it's over between us? What the he'll happened? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The disappearing act is always one of the most confusing. It leaves one with questions unanswered and we always want answers, often answers we wish to hear. Some men (people in general) avoid because they aren’t mature enough to be honest. They feel they do not want to bear the responsibility of hurting the person or they just don’t care enough to give the respect warranted. Either way, you have to put yourself first in this situation and detach instead of waiting or trying to force answers by communication. He isn’t making you a priority, and then you need to make him obsolete. You are worth more and deserve better. You did your part and when you thought things were great he disappeared. Two things come to my mind and of course it could be many things but maybe he didn’t see it as good as you and maybe he was just going along with it until he found a way out by avoiding you. The second is maybe he got serious elsewhere and you were a pastime. No one ever wants to hear that but usually a man’s sudden departure and disappearing act is because of those two reasons. Whatever his reason does not matter as much as the fact that you need to put you first and you need to make it better for you. Eliminate contact in full, He doesn’t initiate contact anyway. That’s a clear message that he doesn’t wish to be bothered by you. Don’t focus on why he isn’t upfront. Take his message as a clear one. You deserve more. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible for someone to not be able to get over their ex after 5 years? My boyfriend had told me he wasn’t over her and was trying to get over her when we first met. We have been together now 5 months and it seems like he still is onto her. Lately he has been texting her, I haven’t stumbled across any warning signs that I know of but I have been feeling second lately. Would you date a person like that? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Attention… Attention!!! You said you have not stumbled across any warning signs? HELLO!!! He having contact with her as of late and still not being over her is a clear warning sign in itself. You guys have 5 months together and his primary goal seems to be reconciling something with her. This appears to be a clear case of having someone around because he doesn’t want to be alone and you are fitting the bill. You entering this situation was a risk you took, an unhealthy gamble that I would never recommend that. You have invested emotion in a situation where you appear to be the major investor while he is still occupied elsewhere. Once you feel second in your relationship, there is trouble in paradise and you need to communicate these feelings effectively. You have the right to convey this message and let him know what you find unacceptable and in doing so, allow him a moment to express his feelings too. You never know what you may find. Be firm in you stance but do not be too firm as to make this an argument and not conversation. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How do I heal from a broken relationship when he has someone else and he also lives directly across the street? How can I get over the pain of being cheated on and dumped, but then I see him so happy with her and its not like I deserved it. I thought things were good. I see him all the time. It seems like he isn’t bothered by this at all. He is already with someone else. How do you throw away 3 years? I was just dropped out of nowhere and he is not even taking anything to heart about what we shared together like nothing happened between us at all. I just don't understand how someone can do that, he seems so cold and heartless. Thank you from “Can’t Let Go”.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Can’t Let Go”,
You will never get over the pain because you are fixated on things that do not concern you. So what he got over you quick, so what he moved on. Boo-Hoo. Now are you going to just keep worrying about how he feels or focus on getting over it? It doesn’t feel fair when someone just dumps you but at this point he does not want to be with you and that is a clear message. It is always best to end something that doesn’t work instead of dragging it on. He may or may not be right but he made a choice he felt was best for him and it’s about time you do the same for you. You claim you want to get over it but you’re fixated on him; you need to be fixated on you. You need to realize your worth and you need to surface that. Take time to do things you weren’t able to do with him, find the things you love and engage in them. Stay busy and when thinking of that situation, remind yourself that his selfish inconsiderate self was not worth you time. This is not easy and often we make it harder on self than we should. What makes this particularly complex is the fact that he lives across the street. One thing you are not going to do is move. You are going to live forward and live knowing his decision was the best decision you never had to make. Now you need to make the decision of being better without him because I promise you, you are much better without him. There is no overnight solution here but staying busy and slowly detaching will assist efficiently. He is living his life, not living yours only hurts you. Good luck, please keep me posted.

TAKING A STAND

2010-10-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I need intervention. My husband of 12 years is always talking down to me and now I see that my 10 year old son is emulating his father and isn’t respecting me and I am so tired of it all. I try to put my son in his place but his father doesn’t help and I don’t know what to do. I just wish his father would say something. I feel alone. Help me. Thank you. “Mom with no place”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mom with no place”,
First thing, your name is a falsehood as you have an integral place in your home and in society. You are the backbone of this country and you need to feel that. There are insensitivities that many people impress upon us and it exists because we have allowed this for too long. I am very sure that this isn’t something that just happened and you have allowed this to fester and grow into what it is today. Can this change? Of course. How will it change? You will take a stand. You will sit your husband down and finally express the truths that your soul hides, you will demand his support, you will inject you authority and you will let him know how much his support means. Express to him how tired you are and that you can not stand for it any longer, even if it means you can’t be in this neglectful relationship. Express your hurt and your expectations. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. After you address your husband, then sit your son down and give him the new rules. You do not allow this behavior again. You impose reactions to his negative actions. You must express your love and how much hurt this is causing. You need to be honest and allow love in communication to save your family. You need to heal from within or you can’t be the backbone that this world needs. I wish the very best for you, please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I wasn’t gonna even send this but with all this in the media about gay bashing I felt I should anonymously express my situation. I am a closet gay male and where I’m from this is not the most popular thing to be. I tend to pretend I’m not gay because people are not accepting of this lifestyle. I even pick on the gay kids with other bullies so that way they never pick on me. I’m tired and I want to come clean. The truth is I’m scared. I like to read your blog and I see that you are tough. Maybe that’s what I need so I am here. I wish I could just come out and the world was more accepting. I know my mama isn’t gonna be mad because her brother (my uncle) is gay and we love him. My mama is good and I am comfortable telling her but the only reason I haven’t is because it will spread. My mama is the project gossip lady but everyone loves her though. So what should I do? This is my last year in high school, do you think I should just wait and leave high school first? That’s my thought. Thanks for your opinion. Sincerely, “Trapped In The Closet”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Trapped In The Closet”,
I am aware of the horrific events that flood the media. I am glad you allowed that to push you to reach out. We live in a world where there will always be someone who is less than accepting of something we do or who we are at all times. That should never hold us back from being who we are or accomplishing goals of high magnitudes. You are in a situation that either way can be complex for a period of time. One, you can come truthful, release you soul, freely allow the world to know who you are truly and detach from those that are not willing to accept who you are because they are not good people. Not good enough to embrace people for whom they are and you do NOT need people like that in you life. You can opt for number two and that is to keep this a secret and live a lie, be a fraud, live in fear, walk on eggshells, help pick on people who need you, hang out with lame ass idiots who aren’t good friends and keep you soul imprisoned. You need to want to live free. People have died so you can make this a way of life. You have the right to exist freely. You need to see a school guidance counselor and dean before coming out, express your concerns and inform them of the activities going on. You can use this moment as a ground breaking moment. Be the change you want your school and world to have. You want to live free then step forward. You want to feel safe, then keep yourself circled with true people that are not ignorant and accept you as who you are. You want to counter the negativity you have spilled while cowardly hiding in your own prison, then make a pact and apologize. This must come from you. You have the power to be better and in doing so, empowering others to be better. Please live free. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I don’t know what it is about me but I am always the overlooked one of all my friends. I feel inferior and inadequate when we go out like if no one will pay me any attention and that usually ends up being the case. What can I do to shake this feeling? Thanks ahead of time “Invisible Man”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Invisible Man”,
The biggest reason is you. There comes a time when you have to lean who you are and that means the best you. The best you can stand in a crown with the best them. Anytime and always, but I do not know the best you because you effuse to let it surface. If you feel inferior then you will be inferior, if you feel inadequate then that is who you will be. How you feel seeps out your pores and is felt by others and if you don’t value yourself no one else will. You need to lean you, there is something great within and only you can let that free. You will be stuck and paralyzed to this feeling because you give it power. What are you going to do? What do you really want? Do you want to cry and wine and hope attention just falls in your lap or are you going to take control of the situation by taking control of your life? Those individuals are not better than you, the only thing is they know that no one is better than them so thy show it. No get up and show it. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a verbally abusive relationship. I know I deserve more (I read your blogs all the time) but the thing is my family loves my man. My friends think he is wonderful and I feel like he won over my entire circle. I want to go to someone but I feel like all my friends are now his friends and my family would take his side. Who do I run to? I can’t take it anymore. Help “Who Do I Trust”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Who Do I Trust”,
This is not a situation that is comforting, yet, neither is being the recipient of verbal abuse. You are not with this guy to please your family and friends, if they want him so much let them date him. You need to come forward because verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse and honestly, even if it doesn’t, it is still unhealthy, demeaning and unwarranted to receive this treatment. You need to start with your family. You will be surprised at how at times something like this can bring the bond back. You can’t battle this alone. Come forward and after going to family, you need to detach and depart from your abuser. Staying there gives him the power to keep you an emotional captive and forces you to be his verbal punching bag. Only you can make this change. Your friends are the least of the three concerns you express but ultimately express to them who this actor is, who this man is in front of them isn’t who he is when doors are closed. Your true friends will stand by your side, the frauds wont and you can charge eliminating the frauds to this experience. Communicate effectively to your family, friends and your abuser. Take a stand; let him know how this made you felt and why you won’t stand for it anymore. Do so with your family present, show your abuser force. Show him you are not alone and deny him any rationale for his actions. Nothing justifies this. Good luck and please keep me posted.

MIXED MESSAGES & CONFUSION

2010-10-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

Dear M. Lover Man,

The man I’m involved with makes me feel unsure about what to call our situation. He is so passionate and pleasurable in bed. When we are there, I feel his involvement. He pours out so much and I know he has to feel something. It’s out the bed that I’m confused about. He isn’t as loving and we don’t really do much. It seems like when we do meet up we end up in bed but in the bed is where he expresses his passion. How can I get him to be passionate outside the bed? The mixed signs are driving me insane. Thanks. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You have officially misled yourself from being the booty call to his girlfriend in your own world. Every time he meets up with you, its straight to the sack, every moment out of it isn’t worth discussing? That says booty call all over it. What happens here is that booty calls aren’t always so cut and dry. People tend to try to give communication or friendship and it dulls out everything outside the bed. You are misleading someone who is great in bed as more that just that. Just because he can make great love doesn’t mean he is the one for you to love. Now on the other hand, this could be all wrong. He could be very into you, but I doubt there is more substance than just a sexual connection. You need to very seriously sit this man down and clarify what this situation is. There should never be this much diversity between what happens in and out of bed. You need to hurry up and get clarity because I fear you have allowed great sex to mislead you. Be stronger than that and be more than that. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it every man’s job to be so darn confusing? I don’t get the guy I’m dating at times. We have been dating for 3 months and there are times that I feel like I’m the only one he has eyes for. Other times he is so occupied with his cell phone texting or conversation seems drifted. How do I know where I stand with this guy? He can be attentive but at times distant. I question those distant times to myself and wonder if he is thinking of someone else. I don’t ask because I am not even sure what we are. We never officially claimed one another as “a couple” but we have been dating for three months. I’m waiting on him to tell me what he wants but at this rate how will I ever know? Thank you. Confused Clarissa

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Confused Clarissa,
The biggest problem here is your lack of communication. You are sitting confused and haven’t doe anything to clarify your position. Although I doubt it is, but his busy on the texting could be business. I don’t really believe that to be the case but how will you know if YOU do not communicate. In these three months, how much do you even know about this guy without a good level of communication? You do not even know where you stand and I’m sure at this point your lack of communication can be interpreted as lack of interest for more. However, he is just as guilty for the lack of communication. You need to take control in finding your answers before you mislead yourself into a barrel of hurt. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
While my boyfriend was out of town on a business trip, I was invited to go to a party, feeling bored and lonely I went. I recognized some of his friends where there and started a conversation with one particular friend who stated he was interested in me and always has been...few hrs later and a few drinks we were in his car...so as to talk ...so I agreed. Well we made out in the car....we did not have sex. I said no to that...but he did "finger me". I did not have sex with him, but is it still considered as cheating even though he did what he did to me?? Am I wrong?? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
If I could grab you and shake you, you would be dizzy. Clearly you are not true to your boyfriend and he deserves that from someone. With that being said I will answer your question. YES it is cheating, not only did you have make out sessions but this man invaded your vagina with his finger and fingered you at will. The vagina of a woman that is in a relationship. Had your boyfriend went out and had a make out session with another woman who has expressed deep long secretive interests for years and she jerked him off, would you be happily accepting? Your wondering if this is cheating is a feeble attempt to try to rationalize your interest elsewhere or your inability to be a faithful, trusting woman. Putting yourself in the car with a man that has expressed interest is not wise and it just showed that you were interested. The noble thing to do is to come clean to your boyfriend and honor him enough to allow him the opportunity to decide if he wants to remain in such an untrusting situation. You are very wrong for what you have done and owe him this honesty. Good luck. Please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My girlfriend annoys me. I’m confused about something and it irks me. She is always talking about her ex-boyfriend lately and I’m wondering what’s up with that. I also notice that now she goes out and doesn’t respond to texts or picks up calls like before and then when she talks about this guy, I get upset. She then starts to show me loving when I’m mad. We usually end up having sex but then later on it still bothers me. Am I thinking too much or is she seeing this guy? Thank you for taking time out. Andrew

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Andrew,
You are clearly thinking more than communicating. Showing your anger is a form of communication but a weak one. One so weak that se with the female you should be having sex with diffuses it long enough for her to repeat the action. I can not say for sure whether or not she is cheating but the re-emergence of her ex into her world is definitely a problem, one that if you do not address, can and will hurt you. It seems to have already taken affect and you deserve truth and clarity. You will not get that because you do not ask for it. You need to effectively communicate and express how you feel about this. If it bothers you, say so. Don’t go pouting like a baby waiting for a pacifier. She ends up giving you one (her vagina) and you, just like a baby, accepts. Her time away without response is a red alert if this is a new action. If she has always been that way then you are clearly thinking too much, but if not, you should express your concern in that. Be effective and not accusatory, show concern and be honest always. Good luck and please keep me posted.

YOU DESERVE MORE

2010-09-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover man,

My boyfriend has cheated on me; I knew he was because things were different. He confessed to three affairs after I caught him. We worked things out but now things are getting to the “different” level again. I sense he is cheating. He hides his phone; he has had nude pictures but swears his boys send them. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose him. I feel like we are soul mates and that love should be able to conquer all. How can I get him to change and realize what he has at home?
Thank you, Sarah Not Smiling

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sarah Not Smiling”,
If I could shake some sense into you I would. There is so much going wrong here and you have fueled it. Let me explain, you have an insensitive idiot for a boyfriend who only came clean because you caught him. Had you not caught him, he surely would be sexing others, and probably had emotions for them, if he doesn’t already. Your willingness to try to fix it is cute but not wise. You can not use love as an excuse for allowing this idiot to run all over you. You have assisted him in diminishing your worth. He does NOT respect you and I doubt he loves you. You are convenient because you accept things. With the way STD’s run rampant, I can’t believe you are accepting this. He is showing the same signs and you stumbled across nudes, yet you are willing to use “love conquers all” as a lame excuse to keep you trapped in a situation because of your own insecurities and you acceptance of this abuse. You need to believe that you deserve more, you deserve to experience real love, and you deserve to love yourself a bit more. You want him to see what he has at home? Sad thing is he does because you show him everyday. That’s why he is able to sleep around. Soul mates do not cheat, nor do they take advantage of each other as he does both to you. You need to detach physically in order to heal mentally and emotionally. You need to love yourself much more than accepting this. He takes advantage of your weakness. Be strong enough to love you first, love yourself more and true love will appear. He is not that person. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Ok so I broke my rule about not having sex with friends and I...had sex with a friend lol. We've always been attracted to each other, if I'm honest I'll say it basically the foundation of our friendship. We had sex once; almost a year ago the sex was ok. Neither one of us has ever spoken about that night, nor has he asked for seconds. When we talk there's no flirting, and when we hold long conversations it's like he's talking to anybody not like we once shared a night together. It drives me crazy!! I want him to come back for more, I want him to want me and it drives me crazy that he doesn't. My question is should I ask him why we never got together again- at this point it's not even that I want to, I just want to know why.
Thank you in advance for your response
Signed “Confused”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused”,
Well nothing is ever set in stone but there could be two things going on here. He could be feeding off the fact that you have never spoke about it either. He may be feeling the same exact way as you are and this is holding him back from conversing about this. Then again, there should have been a subtle hint of something, what this is leaning towards is maybe he just wants the friendship with you and nothing more. Yes to the surprise of many, there are men like that. Maybe something about the moment didn’t do it for him. The only way you will know is to communicate this. If this is a good friend that you feel you can discuss this with then you must inject this topic into the conversation. Be honest and open, remember that how you feel isn’t necessarily how he feels. Be willing to see things in more than one way and be happy that you were able to finally get this off your chest. At this point nothing is happening so telling him won’t make it worse. Remind him how much the friendship means to you, reassure him that no matter his feelings that the friendship is priority. Never stifle your true feelings, they are truly yours. Good luck, please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My story is kind of long…..however, here goes. There’s this guy I dated back in high school and we reconnected last year after 19 to 20 years. Well he lived in another state and I did as well. Well our situation started off pretty well. We started talking on the phone, and it was hours of endless conversations. As for me I hadn’t really dated anyone for about 3yrs after been involved for about 4yrs prior. I had been on a date here and there; but most of the guys were looking for nothing more than a good ole fun time and that wasn’t in my plans of getting to know someone. He was married at one point, but divorced after 8yrs and the marriage ended badly. The ex-wife was cheating, and he actually caught her and the guy together. They had a child that he later found out that was not his. Therefore, she lied to him for 9yrs of a child that wasn’t his. Well after being single for about a year he started see another female for which they had a child together…..that relationship didn’t last, it ended shortly after their child was born he left because he expressed to me she showed more interest in her friends rather than in their relationship; in their case there was an age difference (at their time of meeting she was 24 and he was 38). He stated she liked hanging at the club and he would find pictures were guys would be hugging and touching her in places he thought he should only be touching. I express to him those choices he made to be with each individual and those times have passed yet to find in his heart to forgive them; I stated those things because he had somewhat of a bitter side to him because of how these women treated him. I wasn’t trying to change this individual; my initial concept was to offer ways of forgiveness so he could move on with his life. We became close within a short time and I found a cool friendship with this individual, which made me want to get to know him more. Now, as to our encounter, he hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone within a year; but he did have a few friends with benefits, he was honestly in expressing that with me. Therefore, I in turn expressed to him I wasn’t seeing anyone but I would like to see where this could go with us and he agreed. I went to visit him for a weekend get-away and it was great but after the visit he seemed somewhat distance and if you’re pondering, yes we ended up having sex. A note to say we didn’t have sex when I dated him in high school. Our conversations became lesser and him somewhat withdrawn. I became somewhat of a pest to his actions because I asked a mountain of questions to what was going on and if he still had interest in me. Well it distant him more, and I didn’t know I was pushing him that more further away from me. I guess I pushed too far, and rather than talking to me he sent an email expressing that he was dealing with some issues that he, himself needed to sort out but I couldn’t hold off til he dealt with his problems. Therefore, he stated that he hadn’t been talking to many people at the time he was dealing with his issues. I apologized for my pestering actions and stated I apologized if I thought our connection was more than what it was. Well as a few months passed I couldn’t get him out my head so I tried reconnecting with him, and his actions with me were somewhat distantly mean. When I called he would answer but the conversation would be vague and I was trying on every effort to make it a descent conversation but he would just be short and harshly sassy. I would talk about us getting to know each other but he just totally assume I wanted this full flesh relationship yet I was only trying to get to know this person and maybe one day us together find a relationship with each other. I know friendship before relationship is a keep to getting to know someone. However, I found out he would be engaging with others and yet telling me he wasn’t looking for anything and yet he was considering a relationship with one particular person; however, she was giving him the cold shoulder (the same one he was giving me). Well, he stated he had friends with benefits and he still wasn’t looking for anything and I accepted that. Well I invited him on a trip with me and he took the offer and came with me….the trip was nice, but I was still left with no answers to where this left us. He still maintains that he wasn’t looking for anything at the moment, but was engaging with several other women even some very young. Well he lost his job and I have been trying to assist him in finding work and passing his resume to others and networking for him. I know he has nothing in mind for us and I’m not even considered an option as to a relationship. He don’t know that I know about someone he solely dating now for which when the last time we had a conversation as to getting to know each other, he continues to maintain he’s not thinking about anything like that but I know for a fact he’s spending time with this other individual. I keep wondering what was it I don’t or didn’t have to distant him so much from me. I just wanted him to be honest with me and it would have been ok although it would have hurt. Well I’ve made the choice to not contact this person anymore; but he’s told someone I know that he wants us to be friends and he’s not going to tell me about this person he’s seeing because he think it will make him lose all concepts of us being friends….he’s waiting to the right time to tell me. My question is why should I consider this person as a friend, because friends wouldn’t have done what he did?! I really care for this man in more ways than one and I don’t think I can just be his friend; and from his actions I know there may not be any chance for us on his behalf, yet he wants my friendship?!
Signed, “Hurt”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Hurt”,
This is a rough one. Sadly, this guy is playing a game with you. He didn’t have any interest in you that was serious. He showed it until he slept with you. Typical asshole. Your seeking him and caring for him is not who he is, it is who he portrayed before you slept with him. The distant asshole is who he is, the after sex person is who he is. He no longer had to impress you or give you a lot of time because in the asshole way of thinking, he already scored. Now there could have also been that when you went to see him, he didn’t find anything for than a sexual connection and gave you the distant cold shoulder because he isn’t man enough to say he is not into you in such a manner but instead says that he is going through stuff and isn’t looking for anything serious with anyone, yet, he is with someone else. Once again, another asshole excuse. You do not need to engage or indulge in any activity with this individual. A friendship isn’t needed either because he isn’t friend worthy as honesty is a great friendship quality. You need to discontinue contact and heal within. You are more than this situation and you deserve a man who will honor your true worth, however, if you continue to engage in socialization it’s because you have allowed him to determine your worth. Be more than that. God luck, please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Actually I have two questions:
1) Is "I love you" worth accepting if it comes from someone who cheats and has no remorse about it?
2) Can a person be driven, pushed, or made to cheat?
Just want to know your thoughts.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS:
Nothing is worth accepting when a person is cheating and on top of it being a remorseless idiot about it. If someone accepts that, it shows the worth they see of themselves and allows the other person to walk all over them. The person obviously will never respect the weaker person accepting this. As for your second question, the answer is yes and no. Yes someone can feel pressured, pushed and driven to doing it but ultimately the decision is theirs. No matter what it is a decision and not a mistake. It is something thought out and done without care of the other party. Love isn’t present when these acts are going on and no matter what; it is the person’s choice.

WHEN THE MANS STANCE ISNT CLEAR

2010-09-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Don't know where to start. There's this guy I've being somewhat seeing for 5 1/2 years off and on. We go our own ways and some how keep coming back around. Basically we started to get to know one another 5 years ago and he had just started seeing someone. Basically we started sleeping together and I was cool with the idea and kept doing me. He'd come around with mix feelings and wanted to play the couple game. I was like what are you doing, you have someone. He never responded.
Then he'd go back and forth and say we can't be together when I hadn't asked to be. Long story short, we part for a few months or so and then the same thing. He and his girlfriend have broken up several times. He came to me and told me he was going to get married and I said congrats! He was angry and said that's it?! Tell me how you feel. I told him, you're the one getting married not me and I wouldn't intervene. I did after he left tell him, I thought he was making a mistake 'cause if he was ready, why have you been involved with me while with her? I think she has ties with the family, not to make an excuse. He did not get married and I had my sis check records. She works in civil court. I've been told by some he wants me, but he's not sure how to take me. Basically he's more dominant and I'm not pushy, but not passive. Now he says he wants to say hello and wants a hug. We haven't seen each other in four months. There's been several times he ask me about the future, do I want to get married and so on, but then stops himself. Earlier of the year, I think he wanted me to be pregnant, he kept asking if I was then became mad. Crazy I know. He asked me what I wanted with him earlier. BTW, we've went at one point almost two years without sleeping together, but talking.
My question to you is why does he keep coming around and do he wants anything. He says he's done yet come back. We both do. This has gone on for almost six years. By the way he's younger than I by six years. He's a Scorpio, I've had many! (Lol) Now he's 27 or 28, I'm 34. It just happened.
Thanks. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There is a lot wrong with this relationship. First thing before I even continue, I want to say that you both have created this situation.. With that bring said I'll begin.. There is hope for our promise of anything ever neutralizing that's worth more than it had ever been. A part of him will never consider you his number one and that's why he can venture elsewhere as far as almost being married. The fact that he seems to always return mostly means its because he knows her won't be rejected there. It never is because a guy realizes that's where he needs to be. When a breakup happens or things are in doubt on one relationship, guys want to feel validated also, they return to where they know they won't be alienated you are the person that always accepts him back no matter what. He is used to that& there’s more comfort or being content than there is promise of love. Those lil games guys plays when they tell you about the next one and want a response from you is to validate his place. Guys always want to know they can return. Its more who than love. Guys don't ever wish to be forgotten. You need to get a clear and concise answer. Don't try to figure him out, straight up ask him on three phone before u even meet up. Meeting up well only repeat the cycle. Nobody wants to meet up for a hug. That is a play on female sentiment that men often do. I say communicate & demand that he puts his expectations on the table. You are worth much more than an almost 6 yr on and off confusion filled sexcapade/dysfunctional friendship. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have a four year old son. His dad and I are not together. When I had the opportunity to move to a new place, I stayed upstate primarily because I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad. His dad took our breakup very badly--even though he was unwilling to make any changes to prevent it. At the end, the relationship was emotionally abusive even though he doesn't think so. We commute to work together and now he is acting so nasty. I need to move and I am considering a move back to the borough where my family is. I have no other support upstate and there is no public transportation. I want my son to have a good relationship with his dad but I also feel that having some peace of mind is important. I have tried to talk to him but he always brings up the fact that I have dated someone else and the bitterness is relentless. How do I strike a balance between emotional piece and an active dad for my son?
Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Some of the worst situations are when a child is involved. I applaud your effort to sacrifice for the relationship of your son and his father. The relationship carries too much pain to be able to co-exist in a healthy manner at this point. The emotional peace may not be obtainable on his end; this is something you have to accept within. He hasn’t been able to seek that. That does not mean it isn’t possible, it’s just that maybe not enough is being done on both ends to make that a reality. He needs to release his anger in a productive manner and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. At this stage you must make a decision that is best for you and your son. The relationship you have with your son’s father is strained and it concerns me that ultimately how it will affect your son. Remind the father that at this point there is no other important communicating other than being great parents that can co-exist in a healthy fashion for the well being of your son. Communicate your concerns, let him know what you are considering and find out what his stance will be. His relationship with his son is important but there must be common ground. Be firm with your position, your concerns and your possible plans. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hey, I have a question for you. Why is it that when men lose their jobs they become a different person? My man lost his job after 15 years there& he actually told me he wanted to mourn over his job, meanwhile bills still had to be paid. He wanted to sit on his butt and choose what jobs he would & would not take. And he even decided it was time to verbally take things out on me. (FYI I’m single now because that just wasn't an option. Saw it becoming physical & I put him out.) Anyway I understand it maybe an ego thing but why can't a man just get past it & move on especially when the woman is still holding down the fort?
Desiree

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Desiree,
Sadly there is a societal pressure that equates employment (amongst other things) as a symbol of manhood. This goes strong in affecting the psyche of the male and often breaks him down. I’m not saying pity this man, but I’m saying that for the entire life of a male, there is an unfair pressure that is supposed to be associated with “man”. He obviously wasn’t strong enough in many eyes to deal with his job lost but all too often I have seen people not want to change professions or accept a lesser role or job and this ruins them in some way. His verbal release to you may have been a lot of negative feelings he felt about himself. He may have taken things you said harsh and not think you understood his losing that job after 15 years probably meant a lot more to him than he expressed. Nonetheless, the ego thing is societal induced. This isn’t something a man chose, it was placed on his lap early in life by parents, teaches and communities. There was gender roles placed since the age of two. Boys weren’t allowed to express the same tears girls were and so on. That doesn’t mean he had to be an asshole about it. Many men accept the role of a good woman that can hold the fort, this man in particular couldn’t get past the silly role he adopted willingly or not.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am asking about the returning ex. I have one who will enter into my life, make it known he just wants to be friends, but then he'll sort of press the relationship issue. Considering the fact that he and I fought a lot when we were together, I just don't know how I feel about getting back together with him. But once I let it be known that I don't think it's a good idea, we'll fight about it and end up not talking...for a while. But we always end up talking again. What do I do? What do you think the basis for the uncertainty is? Is it because he's afraid of how he feels? Thanks, Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You stand your ground. He isn't clear about his definite position because there lays doubt within. A relationship that carries heavier doubt than certainty will not succeed. This in and out routine becomes the base of why hasn’t and probably never will flourish further for a long period of time. I say that you move forward and do not entertain this any more. I think it’s because he wants too many different things at different times. You don't appear too be a priority full time for him and that concerns me. This seems to be more about convenience. Good luck and please keep me posted.

THE EFFECTS OF CHEATING

2010-09-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

To Mr. Lover Man,

My wife has been cheating on me. I caught on to her affair and she is doing so with a married guy, not that this probably matters because she is cheating. She promised that it would never happen again and she continues to cheat with this guy. I see the texts, the calls, the emails, and it’s like she doesn’t care until I’m ready to leave. When I’m ready she cries, flips out and threatens to kill herself. Our two kids need their mother and I don’t want her to kill herself no matter how much I hate her cheating. She keeps saying it though and I don’t know if it’s real or not but she cries and says it. She threatens to leave me and the kids forever if I divorce her. I just want to be happy and I can’t be with her. I am done with this marriage and want to serve her with papers but I’m afraid she will kill herself. All this and she still is sleeping with the married man. What can I do? “Ron”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ron”,
I have learned that no matter how idiotic the threat may seem, you assume it to be real. Sometimes some people do so as a cry for attention or to get their way and sometimes they do it because they mean it. You are not legally qualified to make that determination. You must and I repeat MUST contact a professional about these threats. They cannot hold you from living your life. She made a decision to cheat and sleep around repeatedly with some married guy. You should be forever held hostage because of that disgusting decision. She has an edge on you emotionally and is using that to manipulate and hold you into place and you are allowing this to happen. Yes YOU are allowing this. If she threatens again, contact a hospital, the authorities and have them assist you in placing her somewhere where she can attempt to kill herself. This is not good for the kids and they need a more stable mother in their lives as well as a father who can do without the extra drama. Her cheating ways are also risking exposure to std’s and you should consider that at this point to. It doesn’t seem as if she is ready to give up the cheating and you surely can’t be held against your will, so you need to make some decisions because your kids need a stable environment. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My problem is that my man doesn't want me as much as he used to. He doesn’t show any affection like he used to. He doesn’t show any effort to have sex. Don’t all men want sex?! We used to have sex all the time and maybe he is bored or he found someone else. I try to ask him and he told me there is no one else. His excuse for not being physical with me is the same all the time, which is he is tired. How can someone be too tired to say I love you or too tired to show affection? I cheated on him before but I thought we moved past that. I mean, I made a mistake in the past and we've both decided to move on from that. I'm so confused as to why he's doing this to me. It seems like now that I’m going all out and trying to put all of my effort into our relationship, he isn’t doing it. When I give someone else attention, then he puts all of his effort into not losing me. What else do I need to do? From: Not Enough Loving

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Enough Loving”,
There is something apparent here and I think that you need to give it serious consideration. Your cheating is something you claim to have gotten over but his actions show otherwise. Did he ever get the opportunity to express himself and his feelings about being the victim of your cheating ways? Was he able to heal and come to terms with this as a bad decision you made? At times this never happens and the cheater feels since they can move on the victim should too. That’s unfair and not an effective way to perceive it. Another thing I want to touch on is that you did not make a mistake when you cheated. You made a bad selfish decision and you have to own up to that. Saying you made a mistake takes away the fact that you did the wrong thing and also takes away him being the innocent victim. This doesn’t assist in his healing process. His giving attention when you give it to others probably is because it sparks the trauma of you giving sexual attention to someone(s) else and this is why he reacts in such a manner. Communicate with him, allow him a moment to release, accept you made a selfish choice and it wasn’t a mistake and you are sure this is something you never will repeat again. Without communication, all else will fall apart. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi Mr. Lover Man, I love this blog. Here goes, I have been with my husband for 13 years and I don’t know if I want to leave him or stay and begin a new life. We have an 8 year old son. Lately I haven’t been feeling the love. We argue over little things, not like money or stuff because we both make a lot of it. Sex production has come to a shrieking halt and I am frustrated. On a consistent basis, I am asking for sex, only to be met with excuses. He is tired from work or doesn’t have time or some excuse I no longer want to hear. Funny thing is that the other night as I went to bed, I went to go to the bathroom and heard what I thought was him releasing an orgasm. I asked him and he denied it. I want to ask more but I just can’t bring myself to ask. This makes me feel less about my sexuality and the level of attraction between us. I’m sure he is hiding more. What husband masturbates while still married and I’m sure he is thinking of someone else and that ticks me off and hurts at the same time. Two weeks ago he left his phone in the bed and that was rare because he is glued to the phone so I checked it and found about 5 messages from girls texting him sexual stuff and that they were close to where he lives. They should not know where we live. I approached him and he denied it. He said a friend must have sent it as a joke, could this be? I feel unloved, alone, less attractive and distant. I just don’t know what to do; can you help me? Thanks, Unloved and Alone

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unloved and Alone”,
This is one of those situations that I hate to encounter because it is almost like I’m the bearer of bad news. There had to be a point where this was slowly becoming this way. We often choose to ignore it thinking it will turn back around or that it isn’t that serious. Then this situation you are in happens. Married couples do masturbate, sorry if you think that’s going to stop but it won’t, especially with men. What he thinks about is his business when he masturbates and I know you want it to be thoughts of you but that isn’t the likely case with men. However, there are more important issues at hand. The way you are feeling worries me because it doesn’t seem like this is new. I get the sense that this has been going on untreated. There comes a stage where seeing a professional is needed. You need to surface and elevate your self worth. You are still amazing and still wonderful. His lack of expression and love could be that his attention is elsewhere or that things are coming to an end. Sometimes we associate time (13 years) with what we feel we should be at in a relationship and that’s not often the case. Communicate with him please. Express how you feel honestly and what these actions are doing to you. If you want to save this marriage then you are going to have to do so. The messages are definitely not from a friend and are flirtatious. Is he cheating? I can’t say that physically, however, he is definitely wrong for that engaging with those women in such a manner. You have to address how that makes you feel. He can NOT give you self worth, so why let him take it away? You are still you. Seek for that wonderful you and allow it to surface. Good luck and please let me know how things are.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi. I am very confused about where my marriage is. My husband and I have been married 4 years and have two small children. We have been happy together and have a lovely life, no money problems whatsoever. About 6 months ago, we had a debate about something in the Bible regarding the wife submitting to the husband in everything. I told him that is not literal and that different time periods mean different things but he acted very disrespectful toward me. I am a religious and he claims to be spiritual, and he did not grow up in a church. We had a strong partnership before this and now I’m feeling like we are in a competition. Since this debate I have a feeling that he has been displaying a male complex of some kind. He has made some indirect chauvinistic remarks. Although he tries very hard to hide it, I know that he feels that he is supposed to be better than me because he is a man and I am a woman. I feel like I have to be less to please him and that’s not fair to me. These past days we talked about it and he tries to take back the things he said and apologize. I don’t feel it’s that easy and I can’t forgive him. I am unhappy and one time this was the perfect marriage. I want to leave but I can't leave because of the children. I want nothing to do with the church anymore because of that verse. To add to this one of my co-workers have been making advances towards me, and I am attracted to him. The desire to have sex with my husband has left and I only think of my co-worker. I don't know what else to do. “Ready To Go”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ready To Go”,
Interestingly, this story seemed to change gears towards the end and I’m wondering if the co-worker is the real reason you no longer feel the sexual drive towards your husband. For the record, your husband’s remarks were childish and unacceptable. His indirect chauvinist comments are horrible but this new found attraction puzzles me as to why you would mention that in the latter part of your question. Often that is because that is the base here and one tends to try to avoid it if possible or add it as a “matter of fact” kind of thing. Did your co-worker know you were married because his making advance knowing so tells a lot about him. If you are looking for a sexual fest then maybe you should engage but be honest with your husband first about where you stand. You are a married woman and if you are that unhappy then you need to separate or divorce if this cannot be reconciled. It is wrong to cheat or keep a spouse around and that is misleading and will cause problems later on. You say you can’t leave for the kids but in reality they will inherit your unhappiness if you stay. I have seen these situations get ugly and the kids end up hurt the most because the parents couldn’t communicate their new position effectively. Now if you feel your marriage is 100% over than you need to take action before you involve another. You need to sit down with your now husband and come up with a mature plan on how to parent as divorced parents and how to soften the blow for the children. This should not be about you and your co-worker. At this point I say do not engage until you have a clear understanding on where you want to be with your present marriage. Good luck, please keep me posted.